Its been a couple weeks or so since I did my last entry, so I figured why not just give a run down of whats been going on with me and my 80s movie type life.
Sorry if this rambles, I havent really found my pocket yet...ya know.
Its been an eventful last 2 weeks for me. I had to get a work physical in order to retain my DOT card which allows me to drive the company vehicle for work. I always have this feeling of hope everytime I walk into a doctors office where they will tell me....'Jared, you are clearly bald, but we found the cure for it.....eat this Twinkie'. Never happens though, but I will continue to hold out hope. Getting back to my physical though.
THE EYE TEST
I thought I was off to a bad start when the lady told me to look into the machine and I should see a picture of railroad tracks, and I responded with....'I CANT SEE THEM!'. She quickly, informed me that I need to place my forehead on the headrest in order for my eyes to be level with the machine. Silly me. As I was doing the eye test I got through the first couple rows of LETTERS with ease, but then this overwhelming feeling of nervousness rushed into my body. I knew what LETTERS I was seeing, but my head was making me think that it was not really a Z, this is a test, they have to throw you a curveball right? She asked me to read the last row to the left...
'ok..R K M C 7"
'There are no numbers, just letters.'
'Oh, sorry, then thats a friggin Z.'
'Good job.'
THE EAR TEST
basically her having me cover one ear and she would whisper something from across the room....which was the size of a broom closet. Not that hard ma'am.
'What time is it?'
'Are you asking me or is this the test?'
'Its the test, sorry, cover your ear again'
Have you ever been getting your blood pressure taken and think I really hope they stop squeezing that rubber ball cause I cant feel my left arm......ITS TIGHT! ITS TIGHT! ITS TIGHT! STOP!
I got on the scale next. She read my weight and I quickly told myself 'its okay, you still have all your clothes on, at least 10lbs worth, and a belt.
The Physical.
Now the last time I had my work physical at this office two years ago, I walked into a room with a grandmother like doctor. She informed to disrobe and she would return to do my physical. I did not think much of it, until she and THE HOT MED STUDENT walked in!! Here I am in basically just a bib with no underpants on to even distort any sort of excitement, I thought I was screwed. They did everything to me but the NUT COUGH. Thank God. So this year when a male doctor walked in, I felt a little bit of relief.
He checks my ears, my eyes, my stomach, does the scolosis test. I pass. At this point, I knew it was coming...
'Drop your pants, and turn your head to the left.'
This nothing more demoralizing than having a male doctor slap the latex gloves on and tell you to turn your head to the left. I understand what he is doing and why, but cant they hire a porn fluffer or something. She handles balls all day at work. She can just do what the doctor asks and report what she feels. SIMPLE. I am starting a petition for this.
One of the last things you want the doctor to say as he is squeezing your nuts like nerf balls is..
"WHOA YOU GOT A LITTLE HERNIA!'
'Is that what that is?'
'Oh ya, you must have got it from lifting something'
My reaction was, at first, a relief because I was not sure what the thing was when I saw it. But I can deal with a hernia, better than cancer or something else. But ya, I got a fuckin' hernia and will need surgery at some point. Kinda gross. From there...we will move to 3 days later on Saturday.
MARCH MADNESS.
The last thing I remember is not being able to see anything but fuzzy dots. The next I know I am laying on the filthy floor of The Harp. I fainted. Out of nowhere. I don't know why, I just did. I had one beer and before you know it I have the entire Harp staff surrounding me along with the 100s of people there. Staring at me like I was a sleeping bear at the zoo. I got up, I felt fine, no issues, no headaches, nothing, just a lot of confusion and really freaked out. If you have never fainted, thats good, but it is one of the most baffling things to explain. Ya people faint from hearing gross stories or seeing something gross, but to faint out of the blue in mid conversation with friends at a bar, is beyond freaky. I honestly felt like I was sleeping for an hour. I remember the blurry vision and feeling very pale, but I also have this concious memory of seeing the black but not being able to do anything to get up. Someone said I was having a seizure cause my mouth was making this weird motion, but I guess it is a normal action during a fainting episode. I got up, started walking out and I kept telling the Harp people I was not drunk because I wanted to come back in to watch the NCAA Hoops game, then dance the night away. Before you know it, I am outside talking to paramedics in the back of an ambulance that my friends had called before my head made the THUMP on the ground.
THE ER.
In the ambulance, they ran some tests and determined I was fine but still wanted to take me to the ER for precautionary tests. They even put the siren on for me, I was honored. They even got a wheelchair for me. Getting rolled into the ER knowing I could do it on my own let me understand how dumb Paul Pierce must have felt as he was getting rolled in the locker room during Game 1 of the NBA Finals. They literally forced me into the wheelchair, I had no choice. It was kind of embarrassing in a way. Have you ever been to the ER on a Saturday night?? I suggest you don't. It was like HOMELESS HAPPY HOUR. Every homeless person in Boston must have been there seeking attention. There I am, sitting in the wheelchair, surrounded by homeless people and sick people staring at me, probably thinking what the hell is wrong with this dude, he aint one of us?
I got more tests done and then the ER quickly made me feel like I was in prison. They put me in another waiting room, away from my friends, but with the other patients waiting to see a real doctor. I kid you not, this is the conversation that occured between me and 2 lesbian women.
'What are you in here for?'
'I fainted'
(turning to her lover) 'I knew it, I told ya. Happened to me before, CRAAAAZY.
(NURSE) 'AMANDA *****, come on in'
'Thats me.................................hey kid...........................GOOD LUCK.'
Is there anything a nurse won't try to talk you about to take your mind off things??
She was hooking me up to an EKG machine, which I should add looks like the Octopus sprinkler you had when you were a kid. It has like 8 long, thin hoses that just shoots water everywhere...Ya, I was hooked up to that thing. But the nurse thought it was a good idea to discuss with me how she read an article in the NEW YORKER by Woody Allen about how Bernie Madoff and his wife were lobsters in a restaurant. Good idea, but not now please. You are looking at my heart, thanks. I don't want to talk or discuss the friggin NEW YORKER. Finish putting the scotch tape on the body parts with the most hair and hook up the sprinkler hoses please.
Finally the doctor came in and asked me a series of questions, one being..
'Did you urinate on yourself or release your bowels? Most fainting episodes will allow that to happen because the body is so relaxed'
'Ah no, this is the 87 drinks that got dumped on me when I decided to become a bowling ball and took out part of my circle and part of the Pitt Panthers fan club like bowling pins.'
Overall, it was a crazy past week and a half. I am fine they said. I have to go run a treadmill like Drago in Rocky 4 for a stress test in a week, but so far no issues. I do want to thank all my friends that were there and those who came to the ER with me. I know I freaked the shit out of everyone and it was probably scary as hell, but I am good. Thanks.
