Now I am not a big fan of public transportation. If I can drive my car somewhere, I will do it and pay the 25 bucks to park. Dumb, I know, but I kind of like to drive. I also hate being next to strangers and have their armpits 3 inches from my face as they hang onto the bars. I see your armpit hair. Gross. The other night I went to the Celtics game and we chose to take the T into the Garden. This however was a tremendous idea because it turned out to be the single greatest T ride of my life. So many things happened that made me ask myself would I do that?
We hopped on the Red Line at Davis Sq and switched over to the Green Line. It wasn't until we got on the Green Line that shit got weird and shit got awesome. Now I understand its public transportation and you see every possible walk of life come and go. People are going to be drunk, dirty and diseased. But the 3 people that entered the train with a cat in a cage took the cake for "Greatest T Trio with a cat". They could not have been any older than 17-19yrs old. The 2 girls were repulsive and the guy was just happy to hanging out with 2 fatties I think. One girl looked like Darlene from the Roseanne Show, the other just gave up on using soap on her face at some point in her life. When I saw them come onto the train with a cat, I immediately thought.... TERRORIST ATTACK! EVERYONE DOWN! Who brings a fuckin cat onto the T? Not to mention, I saw about 3 people with dogs trying to get onto the train as well throughout the night. Since when was that allowed? I thought you needed to be blind to just walk around with a dog like that. Ya, you have them on the leash, but how do I know you won't just let that thing run wild on the train. You should need to wear a billboard stating your intentions as to why you are bringing a dog, cat, aardvark, lion, or whatever animal on the train.
"My dog is sick, taking him to the vet, I do not own a car"
"Just bought this cat, it will remain in the box, promise"
"This lion is going to eat you, get off the next stop or else"
Its not hard.
Back to the cat, the 2 fatties and the guy. Once I knew a cat cannot be used a bomb I was able to relax and just ride the train. That was until the dude and 1 fatty starting making out like the T car transformed into a closet and they were playing 7 Minutes of Heaven. I was waiting for the dude to Wolf Out and rip the back of the girls shirt apart. I actually think they started necking, like 2 swans or something. I have learned that some PDA is alright, but this was not alright. They were fucking necking. How does that feel pleasurable? Rubbing your necks together? Really?
Is that a hickey?
No, me and Juan were necking like crazy last night. He has the softest neck.
Gross. They stopped necking and slurrping each other. Then they spoke. Oh boy, did they ever speak. The girl wanted drugs but her boy didnt have any drugs. So she came up with the brilliant idea of 'I can make them when we get home'. Really? Then it happened. This conversation. Guy kind of talks like Gary Coleman from Different Strokes.
Guy:You are gonna make drugs? Like what you gonna make? Make me some weed.
Girl:You can't make weed, its a plant!
Guy:Sure you can, ill give you some salt, some pepper and some paprika. BOOM! Weed!
Girl:Ill make some cocaine
Guy:If you try to make cocaine, you gonna blow up the motherfuckin house.
Girl:No I won't.
Guy:I guarantee if I gave you flour and sugar, you would blow up the motherfuckin house.
Then they began to neck again. I dry heaved.
Speed Round.
-Figured out today, me and buddy are not a fan of people who wear pajama bottoms out in public. I get it, you live nearby and can walk to this store, but come on, just throw some jeans or shorts on. ya know what, don't even wear pants, go in your undies, much more respect.
-Respect the shit out of people who just buy a roll of TP. It says "yup, picture me on the toilet cause thats where I am headed right now"
-I have an extremely tough time putting my clothes away. I don't have that gene, yet I will arrange the shit out of my fridge, but I don't sleep in my fridge.
-I went to McDonalds today after work and the worker said 'have a nice weekend', i replied, 'i will probably be back later'
-I have seen 'I am going to Fat Camp' True Life at least 56 times and it gets better each time.
-Gwentyh Paltrow on GLEE. I dug her.
-I kinda make a mean chicken parm with ziti. Just sayin'
-Cals and I are playing a team in fantasy called Los Tacos. I suggested we go to Taco Bell, get tacos and eat one everytime a guy on our team is involved in a TD. We have Mike Vick. I will have diahrrea.
-The final 15 secs of the UCONN/BAYLOR women's game summed up why no one gets excited over women's sports(except me). Baylor down 1 with 2 timeouts, coach calls back to back timeouts while on DEFENSE. Game ends with 2 airballs.
-Yes, I watch way too much of women's sports. Part of me just likes to watch sports, the other part of me hopes instead of a bench clearing brawl happening, a bench clearing lesbian make out session happens. Pants optional.
-My nephew discovered he has hands. It is hilarious watching him whack himself in the face over and over, even funnier because he doesn't know what the word 'STOP' means when I say it to him.
-Can I pull off wearing a scarf?
-I got excited knowing it was November and I refuse to shave my goatee all winter. It turns red and white. Just in time for the holidays.
