Monday, November 29, 2010

Look, a bird.....what time is it? I'm hungry? Did you say something?


Because I do not have one specific thing to write about, I figured I will just go all potpourri on your asses.


I am not a real big fan of Thanksgiving. I am not really as to why, I just don't feel it like it I used to. Maybe its because I have to work the next day or maybe its because I don't eat like everyone else. My eating habits are atrocious. I will literally make a plate of food, eat half of it, let it sit for an hour and nap, eat more of it, let it sit, and then finish the rest of the plate. Then I get pissed at everyone who had like fifths and I only had one plate of food. My mind knows it is only 1 meal, but my stomach treats it like 3. I can devour McDonald's in one sitting, but a tremendous home cooked meal like a turkey dinner will take me the entire Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy block to finish. Something needs to change. I guess I am just a guy who likes St Patricks Day where all you do is drink. I like beer...alot lately.


Everyone once in awhile something will blow my mind. And when something blows my mind, my general reaction is 'COOL'. But when something REALLY REALLY blows my mind, I can't stop thinking about it and I want to know how that person can do that! Well, when I was on the T a couple weeks ago, before the 2 people were necking in front of me, I was on the red line. A girl walked onto the T, fresh out of work, and sat down directly across from me. After I played the 'would ya? how many beers?' in my head, I put my head down because I hate making eye contact by accident with people. SO AWKWARD! I picked my head up and watch the girl pull her compact mirror out and start to check herself out. She then pulled out that pencil thingy to draw on her face. I was hoping she was going to draw whiskers, but instead she pulled her eyelid down and started drawing under her eye. Then the T started to move and she kept drawing right near her eye ball. Then the T picked up speed, and so did she! Then the T ride started to get bumpy and she just kept that pointy pencil right by her eyeballs! I was cringing. I felt like I was watching an scene in one of the SAW movies. You know what is going to happen, but you hope it doesn't happen, but you keep watching even though you hate blood and will faint at the sight of it. I kept pulling my buddy's pant leg to make sure he saw what I was seeing. I was just waiting for the T to hit the right bump, the girl's hand to slip and have this pencil just go directly into one of her eyeballs. Needless to say, this girl applied make-up the entire 15 min T ride. She never missed a spot, mismarked herself, didn't hit a major artery or anything. And she did it all with this tiny little compact mirror. It blew my mind. Girls are amazing. RESPECT.


I was at Jillian's in Worcester on Saturday. NSYNC's 'ITS GONNA BE ME' came on. My first thought was 'FUCK YA!', my second thought was 'I totally know this entire dance, FUCK YA!'


At work last week, I had my back turned to a conversation because I was actually doing something at work for once. I heard a lady ask another lady this question....

"May I smell it?'

What an amazing question to hear without actually knowing what the object in question is, right? May I smell it? HA! For once, every gross thought you ever had is actually okay to have. It could be anything! I found out what it I was, but I am not telling.


I have a job interview at the end of the week for a promotion. I am interviewing for 2 reasons.

1) I like money

2) I want a job where wearing a belt is not optional. It is mandatory. I can't tell you how many mornings I wake up, get dressed, walk outside and realize I forgot my belt. I could easily walk back up to my place and get a belt, but currently I don't think having a belt on is that important. I am by myself all day, dealing with people who look just as gross as me with their open toed sandals, long toe nails, and half buttoned shirts. They basically look like that math teacher everyone had in high school who somehow managed to get chalk all over himself but didn't give 2 shits about it. I can simply untuck my shirt or keep my jacket on so my lack of a belt can go unnoticed. But in all seriousness, how much less do you think of a person in a professional setting if they are not wearing a belt with their shirt tucked in? The belt makes everything. It takes that person from either being on the varsity or not even getting on the bus. You just look like an asshole and if I get this job, I will put on a belt each morning with pride. I LOVE BELT!


Pants are optional at my place though. I never wear pants while I am in my apartment. I do it so much that I almost forgot to put pants on to go to Dunkin Donuts on Sunday. I put sneakers on, took two steps in the hallway and realized I forgot my pants.....for reals. I was going through the drive thru though, I might have been okay......maybe?


How awesome are the Holiday Heroes commercials by Radio Shack!?! I highly suggest you YouTube them. HILARIOUS.


I am currently up to 792 times of watching the NKOTBSB American Music Awards performance. Is it me or did the Backstreet Boys just say 'we totally agree that your songs are better than ours, we will hang back here as you guys fuckin' kill it.'? And how could you blame them. Try playing the start of the start of 'Step by Step' and not wanting to immediately move the coffee table out of the way to create a dance floor.


That is all. I wish I had the ability to write about 1 thing but I have the attention span of a monkey. I watch TV in 6 min segments. I sometimes think I am watching 1 show and the CSI unit has solved the most difficult case of a serial killer/rapist/kidnapper/drug lord/pedifile who was only trying to gain the attention of his famous father who just wanted him to become a doctor, but its actually 3 shows that I have been flicking between for the last hour.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Fo Shizzle......


Now I am not a big fan of public transportation. If I can drive my car somewhere, I will do it and pay the 25 bucks to park. Dumb, I know, but I kind of like to drive. I also hate being next to strangers and have their armpits 3 inches from my face as they hang onto the bars. I see your armpit hair. Gross. The other night I went to the Celtics game and we chose to take the T into the Garden. This however was a tremendous idea because it turned out to be the single greatest T ride of my life. So many things happened that made me ask myself would I do that?




We hopped on the Red Line at Davis Sq and switched over to the Green Line. It wasn't until we got on the Green Line that shit got weird and shit got awesome. Now I understand its public transportation and you see every possible walk of life come and go. People are going to be drunk, dirty and diseased. But the 3 people that entered the train with a cat in a cage took the cake for "Greatest T Trio with a cat". They could not have been any older than 17-19yrs old. The 2 girls were repulsive and the guy was just happy to hanging out with 2 fatties I think. One girl looked like Darlene from the Roseanne Show, the other just gave up on using soap on her face at some point in her life. When I saw them come onto the train with a cat, I immediately thought.... TERRORIST ATTACK! EVERYONE DOWN! Who brings a fuckin cat onto the T? Not to mention, I saw about 3 people with dogs trying to get onto the train as well throughout the night. Since when was that allowed? I thought you needed to be blind to just walk around with a dog like that. Ya, you have them on the leash, but how do I know you won't just let that thing run wild on the train. You should need to wear a billboard stating your intentions as to why you are bringing a dog, cat, aardvark, lion, or whatever animal on the train.


"My dog is sick, taking him to the vet, I do not own a car"


"Just bought this cat, it will remain in the box, promise"


"This lion is going to eat you, get off the next stop or else"


Its not hard.






Back to the cat, the 2 fatties and the guy. Once I knew a cat cannot be used a bomb I was able to relax and just ride the train. That was until the dude and 1 fatty starting making out like the T car transformed into a closet and they were playing 7 Minutes of Heaven. I was waiting for the dude to Wolf Out and rip the back of the girls shirt apart. I actually think they started necking, like 2 swans or something. I have learned that some PDA is alright, but this was not alright. They were fucking necking. How does that feel pleasurable? Rubbing your necks together? Really?


Is that a hickey?


No, me and Juan were necking like crazy last night. He has the softest neck.




Gross. They stopped necking and slurrping each other. Then they spoke. Oh boy, did they ever speak. The girl wanted drugs but her boy didnt have any drugs. So she came up with the brilliant idea of 'I can make them when we get home'. Really? Then it happened. This conversation. Guy kind of talks like Gary Coleman from Different Strokes.


Guy:You are gonna make drugs? Like what you gonna make? Make me some weed.


Girl:You can't make weed, its a plant!


Guy:Sure you can, ill give you some salt, some pepper and some paprika. BOOM! Weed!


Girl:Ill make some cocaine


Guy:If you try to make cocaine, you gonna blow up the motherfuckin house.


Girl:No I won't.


Guy:I guarantee if I gave you flour and sugar, you would blow up the motherfuckin house.




Then they began to neck again. I dry heaved.




Speed Round.


-Figured out today, me and buddy are not a fan of people who wear pajama bottoms out in public. I get it, you live nearby and can walk to this store, but come on, just throw some jeans or shorts on. ya know what, don't even wear pants, go in your undies, much more respect.




-Respect the shit out of people who just buy a roll of TP. It says "yup, picture me on the toilet cause thats where I am headed right now"




-I have an extremely tough time putting my clothes away. I don't have that gene, yet I will arrange the shit out of my fridge, but I don't sleep in my fridge.




-I went to McDonalds today after work and the worker said 'have a nice weekend', i replied, 'i will probably be back later'




-I have seen 'I am going to Fat Camp' True Life at least 56 times and it gets better each time.




-Gwentyh Paltrow on GLEE. I dug her.




-I kinda make a mean chicken parm with ziti. Just sayin'




-Cals and I are playing a team in fantasy called Los Tacos. I suggested we go to Taco Bell, get tacos and eat one everytime a guy on our team is involved in a TD. We have Mike Vick. I will have diahrrea.




-The final 15 secs of the UCONN/BAYLOR women's game summed up why no one gets excited over women's sports(except me). Baylor down 1 with 2 timeouts, coach calls back to back timeouts while on DEFENSE. Game ends with 2 airballs.


-Yes, I watch way too much of women's sports. Part of me just likes to watch sports, the other part of me hopes instead of a bench clearing brawl happening, a bench clearing lesbian make out session happens. Pants optional.


-My nephew discovered he has hands. It is hilarious watching him whack himself in the face over and over, even funnier because he doesn't know what the word 'STOP' means when I say it to him.


-Can I pull off wearing a scarf?


-I got excited knowing it was November and I refuse to shave my goatee all winter. It turns red and white. Just in time for the holidays.