Its been a couple weeks or so since I did my last entry, so I figured why not just give a run down of whats been going on with me and my 80s movie type life.
Sorry if this rambles, I havent really found my pocket yet...ya know.
Its been an eventful last 2 weeks for me. I had to get a work physical in order to retain my DOT card which allows me to drive the company vehicle for work. I always have this feeling of hope everytime I walk into a doctors office where they will tell me....'Jared, you are clearly bald, but we found the cure for it.....eat this Twinkie'. Never happens though, but I will continue to hold out hope. Getting back to my physical though.
THE EYE TEST
I thought I was off to a bad start when the lady told me to look into the machine and I should see a picture of railroad tracks, and I responded with....'I CANT SEE THEM!'. She quickly, informed me that I need to place my forehead on the headrest in order for my eyes to be level with the machine. Silly me. As I was doing the eye test I got through the first couple rows of LETTERS with ease, but then this overwhelming feeling of nervousness rushed into my body. I knew what LETTERS I was seeing, but my head was making me think that it was not really a Z, this is a test, they have to throw you a curveball right? She asked me to read the last row to the left...
'ok..R K M C 7"
'There are no numbers, just letters.'
'Oh, sorry, then thats a friggin Z.'
'Good job.'
THE EAR TEST
basically her having me cover one ear and she would whisper something from across the room....which was the size of a broom closet. Not that hard ma'am.
'What time is it?'
'Are you asking me or is this the test?'
'Its the test, sorry, cover your ear again'
Have you ever been getting your blood pressure taken and think I really hope they stop squeezing that rubber ball cause I cant feel my left arm......ITS TIGHT! ITS TIGHT! ITS TIGHT! STOP!
I got on the scale next. She read my weight and I quickly told myself 'its okay, you still have all your clothes on, at least 10lbs worth, and a belt.
The Physical.
Now the last time I had my work physical at this office two years ago, I walked into a room with a grandmother like doctor. She informed to disrobe and she would return to do my physical. I did not think much of it, until she and THE HOT MED STUDENT walked in!! Here I am in basically just a bib with no underpants on to even distort any sort of excitement, I thought I was screwed. They did everything to me but the NUT COUGH. Thank God. So this year when a male doctor walked in, I felt a little bit of relief.
He checks my ears, my eyes, my stomach, does the scolosis test. I pass. At this point, I knew it was coming...
'Drop your pants, and turn your head to the left.'
This nothing more demoralizing than having a male doctor slap the latex gloves on and tell you to turn your head to the left. I understand what he is doing and why, but cant they hire a porn fluffer or something. She handles balls all day at work. She can just do what the doctor asks and report what she feels. SIMPLE. I am starting a petition for this.
One of the last things you want the doctor to say as he is squeezing your nuts like nerf balls is..
"WHOA YOU GOT A LITTLE HERNIA!'
'Is that what that is?'
'Oh ya, you must have got it from lifting something'
My reaction was, at first, a relief because I was not sure what the thing was when I saw it. But I can deal with a hernia, better than cancer or something else. But ya, I got a fuckin' hernia and will need surgery at some point. Kinda gross. From there...we will move to 3 days later on Saturday.
MARCH MADNESS.
The last thing I remember is not being able to see anything but fuzzy dots. The next I know I am laying on the filthy floor of The Harp. I fainted. Out of nowhere. I don't know why, I just did. I had one beer and before you know it I have the entire Harp staff surrounding me along with the 100s of people there. Staring at me like I was a sleeping bear at the zoo. I got up, I felt fine, no issues, no headaches, nothing, just a lot of confusion and really freaked out. If you have never fainted, thats good, but it is one of the most baffling things to explain. Ya people faint from hearing gross stories or seeing something gross, but to faint out of the blue in mid conversation with friends at a bar, is beyond freaky. I honestly felt like I was sleeping for an hour. I remember the blurry vision and feeling very pale, but I also have this concious memory of seeing the black but not being able to do anything to get up. Someone said I was having a seizure cause my mouth was making this weird motion, but I guess it is a normal action during a fainting episode. I got up, started walking out and I kept telling the Harp people I was not drunk because I wanted to come back in to watch the NCAA Hoops game, then dance the night away. Before you know it, I am outside talking to paramedics in the back of an ambulance that my friends had called before my head made the THUMP on the ground.
THE ER.
In the ambulance, they ran some tests and determined I was fine but still wanted to take me to the ER for precautionary tests. They even put the siren on for me, I was honored. They even got a wheelchair for me. Getting rolled into the ER knowing I could do it on my own let me understand how dumb Paul Pierce must have felt as he was getting rolled in the locker room during Game 1 of the NBA Finals. They literally forced me into the wheelchair, I had no choice. It was kind of embarrassing in a way. Have you ever been to the ER on a Saturday night?? I suggest you don't. It was like HOMELESS HAPPY HOUR. Every homeless person in Boston must have been there seeking attention. There I am, sitting in the wheelchair, surrounded by homeless people and sick people staring at me, probably thinking what the hell is wrong with this dude, he aint one of us?
I got more tests done and then the ER quickly made me feel like I was in prison. They put me in another waiting room, away from my friends, but with the other patients waiting to see a real doctor. I kid you not, this is the conversation that occured between me and 2 lesbian women.
'What are you in here for?'
'I fainted'
(turning to her lover) 'I knew it, I told ya. Happened to me before, CRAAAAZY.
(NURSE) 'AMANDA *****, come on in'
'Thats me.................................hey kid...........................GOOD LUCK.'
Is there anything a nurse won't try to talk you about to take your mind off things??
She was hooking me up to an EKG machine, which I should add looks like the Octopus sprinkler you had when you were a kid. It has like 8 long, thin hoses that just shoots water everywhere...Ya, I was hooked up to that thing. But the nurse thought it was a good idea to discuss with me how she read an article in the NEW YORKER by Woody Allen about how Bernie Madoff and his wife were lobsters in a restaurant. Good idea, but not now please. You are looking at my heart, thanks. I don't want to talk or discuss the friggin NEW YORKER. Finish putting the scotch tape on the body parts with the most hair and hook up the sprinkler hoses please.
Finally the doctor came in and asked me a series of questions, one being..
'Did you urinate on yourself or release your bowels? Most fainting episodes will allow that to happen because the body is so relaxed'
'Ah no, this is the 87 drinks that got dumped on me when I decided to become a bowling ball and took out part of my circle and part of the Pitt Panthers fan club like bowling pins.'
Overall, it was a crazy past week and a half. I am fine they said. I have to go run a treadmill like Drago in Rocky 4 for a stress test in a week, but so far no issues. I do want to thank all my friends that were there and those who came to the ER with me. I know I freaked the shit out of everyone and it was probably scary as hell, but I am good. Thanks.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Jared runs on Dunkin'....
Ok. I just feel I need to share this with others because it will help others understand my thought process with things. So I go to Dunkin' Donuts everday. Despite the fact I am a Red Bull sales rep, I am addicted to coffee and it is a must that I get myself a coffee everyday, as well as something to eat. I generally never eat breakfast at my place because I already know I am going to be drawn to DD like a fly to shit each morning. Unfortunately I cannot go through Drive Thru's because of the company truck they give me, so this blog is based on WALK IN ORDERS. I have based my order on trying not to be 'THAT GUY'. You know the guy I am talkin about. The guy who goes for the entire office because he is trying to make a good impression on his boss and orders like 12 Box O' Joes and 60 assorted donuts when the line is already wrapped around the door. I dont know, maybe thats normal and people don't have the anxiety I get from being 'that guy'. I sit in line and think to myself, all these people want to do is get in, get out, and get on with their day. They don't want to sit behind me as I order something that is going to take Hector or Concepcion away from the counter for more than 5 mins. So I have come up with my equation that will not only satisfy me and my appetite, but as well as the other 15 people behind me. Its a 3 step process.
First step- SURVEY the LINE.
Is it long? Is it short? Is it moving fast? Do people look happy, kinda?
Second step - SURVEY the CO WORKERS
Who is on? A Manager? Two Managers? Is there a designated breakfast sandwich maker? How many on Drive Thru? How many on counter duty?
Third step - WHERE I AM?
Is this DD big? Is this DD small? Is this DD inside a gas station?
After I have assessed the situation in the Dunkin Donuts, I make my decision.
I always order a large coffee, regular. None of this mocha madness with extra french vanilla, 3.5 sugars and whipped cream. I used to get a shot of espresso in my coffee but that gave me too much anxiety cause it took longer than I thought so I stopped. Pour the coffee, add cream and sugar. DONE. The coffee is a pretty simple process for me. No issues. In and out.
But now the difficult part, and this is where it gets tricky...try and follow the bouncing ball.
If I am in a larger sized Dunkin Donuts, most likely there is a designated sandwich maker at the station reading the order screen and just rifiling out Egg N Cheeses. A REAL PRO. However, if the line is too long, I will settle for a plain bagel with cream cheese. But if the line aint that bad, I will go ahead and be fat. Ham Egg N Cheese. Thank you.
SIDE NOTE: Is anyone else annoyed with people who want the employee to butter their bagel or cream cheese their bagel(HA! that sounded gross). But you know what I mean. Are you that lazy or that hurried where you can't take the time to cream cheese your own bagel in your car. You know the employee is going to half ass the cream cheese, spread it real thin, and not use the whole cream cheese container. Do yourself a favor, cream cheese yourself. Its the LAW!
Now if I am in a smaller Dunkin Donuts, its becomes a little more confusing. I need to take into consideration the length of the line, the number of employees and more importantly if the person behind the counter really wants to make me a sandwich. There is nothing worse than guessing wrong and biting into a half frozen Egg N Cheese. I need to become like Indiana Jones and choose wisely with these smaller Dunkin Donuts.
I would say about 60% of the time I settle for the plain bagel with cream cheese, spreading myself of course. Occassionally if the planets have aligned up right for me, I will choose to being the fat kid and get the bagel sandwich. Lately I have been going with just a coffee and chocolate chip muffin, its easier for me and the employee. I am happy, she does not risk injury by simply turning around and grabbing a muffin and my fellow line mates are happy with me and my quickness.
Another side note: It drives me crazy when someone orders a plain donut stick in front of me. LIVE A LITTLE! Get a fuckin sprinkle, get some frosting, dip your donut in some honey. Don't be such a pussy.
I am a bit weird. But I promise you, if you put me in a drive thru line, its NO HOLDS BARRED. I will gladly be 'that guy' and order the 12 Box O' Joes and 60 assorted donuts, I mean, after all that is their job right??
First step- SURVEY the LINE.
Is it long? Is it short? Is it moving fast? Do people look happy, kinda?
Second step - SURVEY the CO WORKERS
Who is on? A Manager? Two Managers? Is there a designated breakfast sandwich maker? How many on Drive Thru? How many on counter duty?
Third step - WHERE I AM?
Is this DD big? Is this DD small? Is this DD inside a gas station?
After I have assessed the situation in the Dunkin Donuts, I make my decision.
I always order a large coffee, regular. None of this mocha madness with extra french vanilla, 3.5 sugars and whipped cream. I used to get a shot of espresso in my coffee but that gave me too much anxiety cause it took longer than I thought so I stopped. Pour the coffee, add cream and sugar. DONE. The coffee is a pretty simple process for me. No issues. In and out.
But now the difficult part, and this is where it gets tricky...try and follow the bouncing ball.
If I am in a larger sized Dunkin Donuts, most likely there is a designated sandwich maker at the station reading the order screen and just rifiling out Egg N Cheeses. A REAL PRO. However, if the line is too long, I will settle for a plain bagel with cream cheese. But if the line aint that bad, I will go ahead and be fat. Ham Egg N Cheese. Thank you.
SIDE NOTE: Is anyone else annoyed with people who want the employee to butter their bagel or cream cheese their bagel(HA! that sounded gross). But you know what I mean. Are you that lazy or that hurried where you can't take the time to cream cheese your own bagel in your car. You know the employee is going to half ass the cream cheese, spread it real thin, and not use the whole cream cheese container. Do yourself a favor, cream cheese yourself. Its the LAW!
Now if I am in a smaller Dunkin Donuts, its becomes a little more confusing. I need to take into consideration the length of the line, the number of employees and more importantly if the person behind the counter really wants to make me a sandwich. There is nothing worse than guessing wrong and biting into a half frozen Egg N Cheese. I need to become like Indiana Jones and choose wisely with these smaller Dunkin Donuts.
I would say about 60% of the time I settle for the plain bagel with cream cheese, spreading myself of course. Occassionally if the planets have aligned up right for me, I will choose to being the fat kid and get the bagel sandwich. Lately I have been going with just a coffee and chocolate chip muffin, its easier for me and the employee. I am happy, she does not risk injury by simply turning around and grabbing a muffin and my fellow line mates are happy with me and my quickness.
Another side note: It drives me crazy when someone orders a plain donut stick in front of me. LIVE A LITTLE! Get a fuckin sprinkle, get some frosting, dip your donut in some honey. Don't be such a pussy.
I am a bit weird. But I promise you, if you put me in a drive thru line, its NO HOLDS BARRED. I will gladly be 'that guy' and order the 12 Box O' Joes and 60 assorted donuts, I mean, after all that is their job right??
I'll show you mine, if you show me yours.....
I am a fan of lists. If I stay true to this blogging thing, I would guess about 75% of my blogs will be predicated on lists. Why do I like lists you ask? One simple reason...it sparks debate. I enjoy hearing people tell me their opinions on whatever list I put up, so your feedback is encouraged.
I got into doing lists around my sophmore year of high school. I became so unattached to class and what the teacher was saying that I started to make lists in my notebook about anything. Top 5 snack foods. Top 10 cartoon characters. Top 5 ugly chicks in my grade. Top 10 NBA video game players. You name it, I made a list about it through high school and college. Not only did making lists pass the time in class, but also made the teacher think I was actually taking notes for the entire 74 mintues. Of course, when test time came, having the Top 5 snack foods after school for notes instead of how the Roman Empire fell made studying a bit more difficult. I guess not having Cheez Its at the Coliseum during gladiator bouts would not have been an adequate enough answer for Mr Dagnese. Moving on to the point of this blog....
I work on the road so I spent more that half my day in a vehicle listening to the radio. With all this radio listening, I started to fall in love with certain songs on the radio. I am not talking about your normal dude songs on like WBCN or JAMN. I am talking about friggin' chick tunes, songs I would never admit to anyone that I dig them. Songs I would not tell anyone that I actually wait in the car until its over before I go see my customer. I kept my love for these songs until I asked one of my co-workers about a tune and he simply could not keep his LOVE for the same chick song inside either. I was not alone, there were other straight dudes out there that actually do like these chick songs. So with that being said, I figured I would unveil to the world(or the 3 people who currently read my blog) my Top 5 Songs on the Radio currently. I like to call this list....
Top 5 'Shhh, dont tell anyone I FUCKIN' love this chick song'
5. Pussycat Dolls- I Hate this Part
I am in love with Nicole Sncoruihonzger or whatever her last name is. But seriously, does it really fucking matter what her last name is. The song is just catchy and this Nicole chick needs to totally date me. Although, more than positive I would pull a Jim from American Pie and splooge on myself if I had a chance with her...that said, I now know what part she hates right here...the part where I splooge on myself after she came cross country to see me.
4b. Lady Gaga - Just Dance
I will admit, I hated this song when it first came out....with a passion. But you spend 30 out of the 40 work hours a week in a car, you hear about 9 times a day, you have to love it. HAVE TO.
4a. Pink - Sober
The irony of me liking this song is I dont think I was sober when I actually started to like this song. I could not tell you what the song is actually about or why I actually like it. I am just constantly singing it to myself, just the chorus though. I think the verses suck, way too deep for me to understand, but Ill sing the shit out of the hook and chorus in the shower and Randy Jackson would tell me 'Listen Dawg, that was dope. I actually kinda liked it. I thought it was hot....'
3. Kelly Clarkson - My Life would Suck Without You
I am usually not a big Kelly Clarkson fan, but this latest joint kinda gets me going. I can see the story she is singing about. I can feel the song. I can feel her passion. I don't want to 'feel' her cause I think she is not cute, but hey, any girl that says the word SUCK with such vigor I am a fan of. Good solid bass line and drum kick. Great steering wheel tap song. Try it.
2. Beyonce Knowles- Halo
WHAT A FUCKIN' SONG. When this song comes on the radio, I want to stand on the roof of my car and just sing up to the heavens. THE POWER. THE MESSAGE. BEYONCE. You can sing along to it and just feel good. Maybe I like this song so much is because the opening of the video is her watching her man sleep. I like sleep and apparently she enjoys letting her halo wearing man sleep too. Thats hot. Baby, I can see your halo....and your massive morning wood.
1. Lady Gaga- Poker Face
Was there any question that this was going to be my #1?? I cannot stop singing it. I cannot stopping have my Facebook status include PokerFace in some fashion. Do I think its a really dumb song for the most part? YES. Do I think it totally kicks ass when you are by yourself all day long? YES. Do I think Lady GaGa is hot? NO, but she can make a fuckin dance track. One of two things makes me love this song, the whole PA PA PA PA POKER FACE and the line that goes 'I am bluffin with my muffin'...genius. If you were a real man, you would not be ashamed to admit you love this song too....you can't help but not love it. I AM A MAN.
I got into doing lists around my sophmore year of high school. I became so unattached to class and what the teacher was saying that I started to make lists in my notebook about anything. Top 5 snack foods. Top 10 cartoon characters. Top 5 ugly chicks in my grade. Top 10 NBA video game players. You name it, I made a list about it through high school and college. Not only did making lists pass the time in class, but also made the teacher think I was actually taking notes for the entire 74 mintues. Of course, when test time came, having the Top 5 snack foods after school for notes instead of how the Roman Empire fell made studying a bit more difficult. I guess not having Cheez Its at the Coliseum during gladiator bouts would not have been an adequate enough answer for Mr Dagnese. Moving on to the point of this blog....
I work on the road so I spent more that half my day in a vehicle listening to the radio. With all this radio listening, I started to fall in love with certain songs on the radio. I am not talking about your normal dude songs on like WBCN or JAMN. I am talking about friggin' chick tunes, songs I would never admit to anyone that I dig them. Songs I would not tell anyone that I actually wait in the car until its over before I go see my customer. I kept my love for these songs until I asked one of my co-workers about a tune and he simply could not keep his LOVE for the same chick song inside either. I was not alone, there were other straight dudes out there that actually do like these chick songs. So with that being said, I figured I would unveil to the world(or the 3 people who currently read my blog) my Top 5 Songs on the Radio currently. I like to call this list....
Top 5 'Shhh, dont tell anyone I FUCKIN' love this chick song'
5. Pussycat Dolls- I Hate this Part
I am in love with Nicole Sncoruihonzger or whatever her last name is. But seriously, does it really fucking matter what her last name is. The song is just catchy and this Nicole chick needs to totally date me. Although, more than positive I would pull a Jim from American Pie and splooge on myself if I had a chance with her...that said, I now know what part she hates right here...the part where I splooge on myself after she came cross country to see me.
4b. Lady Gaga - Just Dance
I will admit, I hated this song when it first came out....with a passion. But you spend 30 out of the 40 work hours a week in a car, you hear about 9 times a day, you have to love it. HAVE TO.
4a. Pink - Sober
The irony of me liking this song is I dont think I was sober when I actually started to like this song. I could not tell you what the song is actually about or why I actually like it. I am just constantly singing it to myself, just the chorus though. I think the verses suck, way too deep for me to understand, but Ill sing the shit out of the hook and chorus in the shower and Randy Jackson would tell me 'Listen Dawg, that was dope. I actually kinda liked it. I thought it was hot....'
3. Kelly Clarkson - My Life would Suck Without You
I am usually not a big Kelly Clarkson fan, but this latest joint kinda gets me going. I can see the story she is singing about. I can feel the song. I can feel her passion. I don't want to 'feel' her cause I think she is not cute, but hey, any girl that says the word SUCK with such vigor I am a fan of. Good solid bass line and drum kick. Great steering wheel tap song. Try it.
2. Beyonce Knowles- Halo
WHAT A FUCKIN' SONG. When this song comes on the radio, I want to stand on the roof of my car and just sing up to the heavens. THE POWER. THE MESSAGE. BEYONCE. You can sing along to it and just feel good. Maybe I like this song so much is because the opening of the video is her watching her man sleep. I like sleep and apparently she enjoys letting her halo wearing man sleep too. Thats hot. Baby, I can see your halo....and your massive morning wood.
1. Lady Gaga- Poker Face
Was there any question that this was going to be my #1?? I cannot stop singing it. I cannot stopping have my Facebook status include PokerFace in some fashion. Do I think its a really dumb song for the most part? YES. Do I think it totally kicks ass when you are by yourself all day long? YES. Do I think Lady GaGa is hot? NO, but she can make a fuckin dance track. One of two things makes me love this song, the whole PA PA PA PA POKER FACE and the line that goes 'I am bluffin with my muffin'...genius. If you were a real man, you would not be ashamed to admit you love this song too....you can't help but not love it. I AM A MAN.
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