I'm going to Wakefield, MA.....BITCH.

So I am off all next week.  Is there anything more depressing than taking a week off and just waking up in your apartment and not some resort? But whatever, I got an agenda next week and that is to land a fucking J O B, before I start playing in traffic blindfolded and sippin on a wine cooler. I will most likely hook up my old school Nintendo, try to beat Contra with 3 guys(impossible) while drinking Bud Heavys.  Anyways....

If you watched Ray Allen break the 3pt record last night and didnt either, get goosebumps, get a little blood flow(thats a boner) or tear up a bit, then you are not human.  I will admit, I welled up a little.  Just seeing a guy break a record and knowing that guy did it right every day is kind of cool.  Ray got up everyday, shot a basketball nearly every day for the last 15 days and did it the right way.  He didn't go the Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire route, he just did it right.  RESPECT.  Plus I know I can relate a little bit with Ray and shooting the 3 because I was the Wakefield Basketball Association 3pt shootout champ when I was 12.  I remember like it was yesterday.  I lit it up the first couple rounds and advanced to face sharp shooting Shawn Wallace in the finals. He was like the Dale Ellis for my age. Just lights out.  Best day of my basketball career.

But last night watching Ray Allen it made me think of his place in all time NBA Live players.  Now NBA Live was the NHL 94 for basketball fans. Epic battles in my parents basement between my brother, my friends, my brothers friends.  It has to still be a top 5 video game of all time. Yes I said ALL TIME. So here are my Top 5 NBA Live 95 Players.

5. Tracy Murray Portland Trailblazers- Cals put up 200 pts with the guy in a single game. LIGHTS OUT.

4. Latrell Spreewell Golden State Warriors-Guy could shoot, throw it down, slap the floor and play some defense.  With a squad that had Webber, Hardaway and Mullin, he was the best.  Just had skillz....he deserves the'z'

3. Mitch Richmond- The Kings sucked back then, but Mitch Richmond made it awesome to be the Kings. He could shoot from anywhere, steal the ball which was impossible to do in the game, but more importantly, guy just shot lights out all the time, especially from the angle.  Do it. He wont miss.

2. Shawn Kemp- BADASS. Dunked from anywhere on the floor and always, always, always pointed at your after he dunked on your in the game.  Alley Oops everytime down the floor.  Just a man child.

1.Mark Price- White guy. LIGHTS OUT from the top of the 3pt arc and impossible to stop at the Gund Arena.  There is even a video dedicated to him on Youtube. Other people fuckin understand where Im coming from.....




Done. Like I said I am off all next week and should be writing more than usual seeing I have nowhere to go, no girl to impress on Valentines Day and I have no money. Pick a bar and Ill meet you there.

Picture Day! YA!

A)This is my bedroom at the current moment.  I am very tempted to going on Craigslist to find a maid.  I just want to put a posting up and see what types of people actually respond. 

2. I bet this guy makes more money than me, looking like a gay Indiana Jones or Crocodile Dundee all fuckin day. Come on dude, you sell bread to Stop n Shop. 

I took today off.  Why is the day after the Super Bowl not a national holiday yet?  I didn't go to a Super Bowl party or anything, instead I watched my nephew rollover like a cub or a drunk midget. I didn't take today off because of the Super Bowl, I took it off because I am on a Contra like adventure to try and find a new job ASAP.  I am on like Stage 3 'Waterfalls'.  I say that because that is a hell of a level to beat because the screen keeps moving and if you don't move fast enough, you will die....and right now I am dying because life keeps moving and I can't keep up with it.  Bills, food, my drinking problem, and gambling are all things I need to keep up with, and the screen is moving way too fast for me. I need the Dave Coultier 'Out of Control' Remote and either pause life or slow it down before I wind up living back in my parents basement, turn into a chain smoker, trying to win a radio contest just so I can move out again. 

Speaking of my parents.  I walked into the house today to see what food I could steal and my dad is sitting on the couch with a neckbrace on. What the fuck?  You didn't have that neckbrace on yesterday.  This is when my brother chimes in and says 'THROW THE BRIEFCASE!'.  I love when random Brady Bunch episodes pop up in real life. 

 So I drove an hour to Bedford,NH to speak to some recruiter about getting me a job.  I drove for an hour to discuss my resume.  I drove an hour to discuss what we already discussed on the phone 8 times. I drove an hour for her to call me 5 hours later to tell me she spoke with her boss and will start to find a couple companies where I may fit.  I drove an hour, put on a shirt and tie, for nothing. I looked good though. But I didnt have to go into work today because doing anything other going to work nowadays is fuckin awesome. So I ask again, why is the day after the Super Bowl not a national holiday yet?  Just trade out President's Day which we get off in 2 weeks with the Monday after the Super Bowl.  Who do I speak to about this?  Mitt Romney? Morgan Freeman? Zuckerberg? (I watched the Social Network over the weekend)

Looking for a new job is pretty friggin stressful.  First of all, I hate my current job which makes finding a new job that much more stressful because all you want to do is find one so you can walk into the office, take a huge dump on the boss's desk and say 'I give my 2 weeks.........and some corn..PHHHBTT'.  Every company or recruiter that calls me asks why I am looking for a new job and I say 2 things..
1.I need more money because I have been living off of a PB&J the last 2 weeks
2.The life is being sucked out of me every day and I will dead by age 32.
They respond with this question:Would you rather work at a job you make alot of money but you are miserable with or would you rather work at a job where you don't make alot but you are happy?
I usually couch my answer, but I want to say I would like a job where I make alot of money and I am happy, why is that so hard to find?  It is amazing, how you feel about your job can totally affect every ounce of your life.  My current status is I HATE PEOPLE.  And it all stems from my job. I have actually considered having my brother and sister in law hire me as their full time Nanny.  Then I can definately fulfill my dream of being Michael Keaton from 'Mr. Mom'. 

 Like I said, I have been eating PB&J for the last 2 weeks.  Question.
WHY HAS PB&J BEEN MISSING FROM MY LIFE FOR SO LONG!?
So simple. So good. You can eat so much and never feel gross.   Was there an age cutoff for PB&J? Do people think they were too cool for PB&J? And why did I have my mother cut off the crust when I was a kid?  The crust is almost the best part.  And why did I hate the crunchy peanut butter before?  Crunchy peanut butter makes the whole sandwich.  I will say that eating PB and Fluff is a little childish, but PB&J is definately still socially acceptable and could be a great party food.



 

Ice Ice Baby

You can thank this blog entry to the person outside my bedroom window who is scraping off their car and shoveling at 1015pm when I need to get up and be at work by 5am. 

Dear Mystery Person,
I hate you.  And I do not hate alot of people, but I do hate you right now.  Why are you shoveling and cleaning off your car right now?  It has not snowed all day and the fact that you are doing it now tells me you didn't go anywhere today, therefore you had all day to do it.  Do you know the sound you are making right now as people are trying to sleep?  It is right in between nails on a chalkboard and a barking dog, but just above the sound of a phone off its hook.  OH! You are going to start your car right now and just let it run?! Perfect. Great idea. Make sure you get every last piece of ice off that car.  I would rather listen to 'Blue' by Eiffel 65 on repeat than listen to you scrap the shit out of your windshield.  I would stick my head out of my 4th floor window right now and scream but I am not a 74 year old person living in the 1950s from Bronx NY or part of the cast of '227'.  So I will sit in here and just wait.....patiently......very patiently and slowly develop the half cry/half laugh as I lay here in my bed wondering what the hell has happened to my life. Good Day sir. I said...GOOD DAY!

This song. Oh this song....

Put it in a doggy bag, Johnny!!

Mother Nature won't quit with this snow, so I refuse to quit on my blog and will continue to provide the world with utter nonsense happening in my mind that no one should even care or laugh about.(I keep ending sentences in prepositions and I know that ain't really good English).  Alright then, say it with me....
READY. SET.......GO!

There are songs you sing along with in your car, then there are songs you fuckin' really sing along with in your car.  The type of songs where you don't care who is watching, where you are, you don't even care that you are even driving a motor vehicle.  'Man in the Mirror' was that song for me, but 'Grenade' by Bruno Mars is really starting to creep its way to the top spot. I am pretty sure I could fill out Madison Square Garden if people caught wind of how awesome I am when I am riding in my car.  Don't know what it is about that song, but I feel it and I feel it hard.(thats what she said!)

Ok.  Would you consider it weird if you were to walk into a public restroom and see a guy in a wheelchair using the urinal?  I will give you a minute to try and figure out how that would actually work....
.Alright, so I walked into the restroom to take a piss.  As I walked in to use the urinal, I see the guy in the wheelchair who was in the bar area all night, but he was in front of the urinal, and he was using it!  Now, he was not a wheelchair cripple, because I saw him using his legs to push himself around so he must have some sort of muscle disease or something.  I am by no means making fun of him, just observing.  The urinal was low to the ground so maybe it is also intended for the handicap, litte kids, dogs and midgets? I don't know.  But the thing that kind of blows my mind is that he was the only person in the bathroom with both stalls open, which included a spacious handicap stall.  No one passed me by as I was entering the bathroom, so I think the wheelchair guy chose to use the urinal.  So if I have this correct, he just whips out his 'thang' and starts to pee with an arc to it?  I think?  I wasn't looking because when I entered and saw him using the lone urinal, I panicked and I had to use the handicap stall.  Ironic? I don't know, I just picture him peeing like one of those statues that pee into a fountain.  I commend him for wanting to feel he can do anything I can do, but I think if I was in that position, I would rather pee with ease instead of making it into a challenge from Double Dare.  Am I going to hell?

I am having a tough time slotting the Peanut Butter Twix bar into my Top 15 candybars.  It will make it in, but I don't want to disrespect it or give it too much praise.  It is a very intricate list, alright!  For a person who once consumed a king size chocolate bar every day for at least 6 months, then go to Wendy's for lunch, I take this shit seriously. I will have the candy bar list soon......I hope.

Stepping on snow for me is worse than nails on a chalkboard and I can't avoid stepping on snow!  It is everywhere and I literally cringe with every step, to the point where I have to shuffle my feet as I walk.  It is by the far the worst feeling I have experienced.  I want to jump on a stranger's back and have them carry me to where I am going.  The thought of stepping on snow and hearing that sound, makes me want to stab icicles in my eye and kick kittens. 

Is it weird, rude, or awesome that I went to an engagement party last weekend that provided a buffet of appetizers for their guests, and I was the only asshole to ask for a carry-out box to take some of the food home?  I don't cook or I choose not to cook, actually I choose not to food shop.  I would rather drink and eat Top Raamen right now...being an adult is hard.

When people don't hold the door for me when I am carrying 15 cases of Red Bull into a store makes me want to fire a 20oz can off their face from close range and go into the Antoine Dodson Bed Intruder rant where he calls the person 'dumb, you are really really dumb'  You see me coming, we made eye contact. You know I am coming into the Tedeschi's because you know they don't sell Red Bull at H&R Block.  I called a lady a loser and I said it kind of loud too.  She was sitting there, peering out the window, scratching her dumb Lucky 7s tickets, seeing me going up a ramp and coming into the store, open the fucking door.  Don't just watch me get a hernia.  So ya, I called her a loser, totally got her! 

So Backstreet and New Kids are going to play at Fenway. They still don't have the best boyband song in the history of all boybands...just let it play

You ate a whole wheel of cheese?

Today I stepped on black ice and almost took a digger into a snowbank in front of commuters in downtown Somerville.  I must have looked like a drunk 16 yr old on prom night as I tried to stay upright.  Part of me just wished I went down and got it over with because I think if I actually fell people would have felt bad for me, but instead I made their morning. I bet half of them were chanting 'fall! fall! fall!' in their cars.  So I ask would you rather just take the digger and bounce back up or would you rather look like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's fighting to stay up?  I would rather take the fall and get the pity. That's just me.

At prep school, there was a black hockey player and his nickname was Black Ice. No joke. I was very hesistant to laugh because I didn't know if they were messing with me because I was the new kid, but I found out they were dead serious.  I never called him Black Ice to his face though, I'm not that dumb. 

Ever get a phone call from your buddy, but the person accidentally butt dialed you.  Do you immediately hang up when you realize it was a butt dial or do you do like I do...............that's alot of 'do's'.
Act like you are Tommy Lee in the movie The Fugitive and try to pick up every possible little sound, every syllable, any clue you can gather to guess where that person is or if that person is talking about you.You turn down the radio, the tv, tell people to shut up, cover one ear and pretend like this phone call is the most important phone call you have ever received.  For whatever reason I always try to listen for a train because that just seems to be the norm in all the movies, there is always a train horn or train conductor in the background.  I didn't hear trains, but I did hear a referee whistle. He was at a soccer game. I win.

The other day at work I successfully quoted a movie during a conversation.  That has been my goal over the past month. To quote a movie in conversation without the other person knowing  I hate work and the only way I can get through my day is to make myself laugh.  A spanish lady who works at CVS thinks we are dating. She hates when I don't shave and since I have beard, we are fighting.  Last week I walked in, said hi to her and she was not happy.  She kept saying 'You no shave for me! You no shave for me!" She then immediately started to speak spanish about me to her co-worker, like angry spanish with the head whip and shit.  I told her...'you know I don't speak spanish'. I laughed. She didn't.  A small victory for me in my world......Now I just need to find a way to work the speech by Marty McFly on how Doc Brown came up with the flux capacitor into a conversation about Red Bull 4pks on sale at Shaw's. I like challenges.
Read today  that Timberlake is dating Jessica Biel and banging Olivia Munn on the side. Ok fine, if that is your excuse as to why you haven't had an album in awhile, I totally understand.  I can accept that.  But just so you know, O-Town is back together so you might want to get a move on. On a side note, Ashley Angel. What the fuck are you doing not joining O-Town again? Are you too school for cool?  What the hell do you have going on?  This is like if the Jackson 5 reunited and Marlon was like....'nah, Im good, I got other things going on.'  Please watch this whole video. This song is gross

I will end this blog entry with this. I like Steven Tyler on Idol. Alot more than I thought I would. And J Lo is hot. A big butt and a smile I would trust. I need a girlfriend, I have way too much time on my hands. Way too much.

Why did you have to pick this weekend to be a Chicano?

Happy MLK Day! And on a day of equal rights, on a day of fighting for freedom, and most importantly fighting to be an individual and be who you truly are, nothing, and I mean nothing, speaks to the heart of what Dr King stood for than the Saved by the Bell College Years episode when Slater decided to become a Chicano. That episode has by far the best Zack Morris line ever. I laugh outloud, in tears, everytime. Even Slater was laughing.....watch...

Gets me everytime.

The other day I sparked a pretty heated debate at a bar amongst friends and it centered around Macaroni and Cheese. I am led to believe that the shape of the noodle makes the quality of the Kraft Mac n Cheese. I say this because I have been living off of Kraft Mac for the past week. The regular noodle just does not do it for me. I follow the instructions on the box. I use the right amount of the milk they ask for and every...single...fuckin...time it comes out soupy! When I lessen the milk, still soupy and it irritates the shit out of me. However, you go out and buy the Three Cheese Shell and it comes out perfect every single time. I mean, this could all be because I am just clueless, but I am pretty sure I am right on this. My friends seemed to think I was on to something. You tell me. Is it the noodle shape? Is my milk to cheese powder to noodle ratio way off? Am I slow? I think its the noodle shape, there is no other explanation for it. The shells rule and the noodles drool.....literally. But when it comes down to it, just get the Velveeta Shells and squeeze that cheese. End of discussion.

It is no secret. I hate my job. Part of it is that I lost my only pair of gloves the other day and today it was so cold I felt like I was in the movie 'The Day After Tomorrow'. (Side note: If I had to pick a movie with Dennis Quaid to be in, I would choose Inner Space). Anyhoo. But I have reached the point where my job is turning into the movie Office Space and I am turning into Peter. Take today for instance, we had to work. The rest of the company was off, but we were asked to come in on Monday because we already had missed too many Mondays over the past 3 weeks. I could hear Lombard in my weekend going 'Yaaa, I'm gonna have to ask you to come in on Monday, that would be great.' I spend my entire day trying to figure out how I can make a 'Jump to Conclusions' Mat. I am on a full time job search, which is a job in itself, but at the same time I have to go to work until I find something. It is painful. Ok, enough of me feeling sorry for myself. I am not the only person in the world who hates their job. Let's get positive before we can continue.



Ok. So the Patriots lost yesterday. Awful right? Like watching a horrible car accident and there is nothing you can do about it. But maybe it is just me, but I wasn't really that pissed about it. I don't know why. I am a Patriots fan, I care, I have an opinion, but I am just not that pissed about it. Same thing goes for the Red Sox. They didn't make the playoffs, but I wasn't pissed, I didn't lose sleep over it, I wasn't beside myself all day at work. I don't know. I just think the people of Boston expect a championship every single year. I think we expect too much, every single year. Yes, the Patriots should have won yesterday and I am not necessarily talking about that game yesterday. I don't know, it is just a feeling I had after watching them lose yesterday and seeing the Sox not make the playoffs that it is not the end of the world. Maybe it is because we have been spoiled the last decade with 6 championships from the Boston sports teams. That feeling of sadness, humility, and being a Bostonian fan is no longer there ya know. I can't really explain it through writing, it is just a feeling. Part of me wants the losing to continue for a bit longer so we can get that feeling of what it is like to want to be good just once....and not every single year. Ya know? Sometimes you can't explain in words how you feel, you just know how you feel. And I had that feeling yesterday. Just wasn't that pissed.

On the other hand, if it was the Celtics, I would have called out of work for the next 2 months and eaten nothing but chocolate ice cream while crying like a little bitch....so I guess I can't talk huh.

Back to my job hunt, I met with a recruiter today. And before we ended our meeting, he asked if I always had a beard. I said no. He asked if I was willing to shave it in order to make a good first impression if he were to line up an interview for me. And I thought to myself.....would I? I hate my job, I want a new one very badly but this beard has become a part of me and for a split second I thought of sacrificing my overall happiness to keep my beard. I know I am not the only person in the world with a beard and I have been writing a lot about my beard, but you grow a beard for the first time in your life and you tell me how you answer that question! Tougher than you think I bet!

I am currently working on the Top 15 Candy Bars for a blog. I wrote a Top 25 Cereals blog a couple years ago. I like lists, which is funny because I can't make a grocery list for the life of me. When I go grocery shopping, you would think I lost a small child and I only look for him in the kids food aisles. I spend half the time walking back and forth from the cereal, snacks and frozen dinner aisles and not enough time in the adult aisles. But anyways, a Top 15 Candy Bar list. I just feel like it needs to be done. Look for it....

I saw the KE$HA video for whatever the fuck her new song is....someone kill her. How is she a musician and why the hell was I watching a KE$HA video and why the hell do I know to put a $ sign in for the S in her name. Jesus H.

I have an IPOD alarm clock but I haven't set it up yet, mainly because I can't figure out how to set the actual time which is a problem because it is, afterall, an alarm clock. But it got me to thinking, what song would I want to wake up to?? What song would anyone want to wake up to almost every single day? It is a tough question because it could really make or break your day and if you know me, I am an awful morning person....horrendous, the worst, the pits. I am not proud of it, I just hate waking up....anyways....on the weekends I would wake up to...

But for everyday before work....I am waking up to this shit...(I originally had Never Surrender by Cory Har, tbut the opening sounds way too much like an alarm clock and I would break my IPOD, plus I would hate myself for waking up to that) I just know I need to feel good and this may just do it for me.....


Talk it out.