Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Duh. So I figured a blog before 2011 was in order. But first I would like to give my thoughts on New Year's Eve.

WHY IS NO ONE THROWING A JEAN TUXEDO NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY!!!!!

How did I not think of us before!?? I am such an idiot. Everyone makes a huge stink about getting dressed up for New Year's, ringing in the new year with hope and optimism. I tell ya what, I want to ring in the new year with my stone washed, two toned, jean tuxedo. Just picture everyone in denim, girls wearing denim skirts, dudes wearing Bugle Boy jeans with a matching jacket, sleeves rolled up, drinking Budweiser, maybe even some Osh Kosh B'agoshes overalls could be worn. I apologize for not renting out a bar, making it a Jean Tuxedo party and making this New Year's Eve the greatest night of your entire adult life. Next year. I promise. I will be wearing a Jean Tuxedo to this house party I will be attending and see what kind of reaction I get...its research.

You know what is scary....
Watching your parents get old in front of you. I had this conversation with my Dad today...
Dad-"Did you watch that game where the guy returned an interception for a touchdown?"
Me-"Um, can you be more specific, kind of vague"
Dad-"The bowl game."
Me-"Oh....the bowl game.....this decade? What are you talking about? Did they have team names or were you watching a pick up game at the high school?"

Apparently my mom was given the Senior Discount at Burger King today. Couple things.
-My mom went to Burger King?? No way. She hasn't got fast food since '89.
-BK dishes out Senior Discounts?
-Is an elderly person going for the BK Senior Discount the equivalent to an 18 yr old trying to get into a bar? They must ask to card you to make sure no one is trying pull a fast one when they order that cup of coffee and small fry. I wonder if they have a seperate line with a bouncer. I would pay to watch a 58 yr old lady fumbling through her purse to get her ID, but she knows she is not old enough for the Senior Discount, so she starts to think out loud as she is looking for her ID...
"Where the hell is it?? I just had it a minute ago! Fa-nah-bu-la! Lipstick, credit cards, hard candy....do you take a Work I.D??....You don't? Shit. I look old enough though....right? Can ya let me in this one time?"

This is my new favorite commercial....

Hamburger Helper looks great on the box, but does not taste great in my mouth. Maybe I just can't cook.

I have to walk down 4 flights of stairs every morning at 530am to start my car because I can't sit in my car like Cameron Frye as it defrosts. But today, I was kind of late, so I did the 'skip every other step' as I went back upstairs. Holy shit am I out of shape! No way could I run the required 1 mile time we had to achieve back in gym class if I had to do it tomorrow. I thought I was going to pass out halfway up the steps.......which leads me to this..

Have you ever noticed that alot of EMT employees smoke......alot. Like hey dude or lady, I know you work alot of hours and you are saving people day in and day out, which I totally appreciate, but if you see me passed out and I am not breathing, ya it is weird enough knowing you will be giving me mouth to mouth, but could you not smoke like a chimney. When I finally come to, I don't want the taste of ashtray being the first thing I taste on my new lease on life. I will give ya hug for saving my life, but then I will punch you. Just a quick swig of Listerine will do, you got 15 secs, I won't be going anywhere.

I had a job interview the other day. It lasted 5 mins. I said 'Yes', 'Right' and 'Absolutely' over and over. I don't think I want to work for you if you end the interview with 'Sorry, I am super busy, if you think this went well, just email me."

Play Janet Jackson's "Alright" on your way to work tomorrow and you will have a good day. Promise.

When you are going to your New Year's Eve parties tomorrow, keep this thought in the back of your mind......Be thankful we no longer live in a society that doesn't allow dancing, so tomorrow night, be happy with who you are with, be safe, don't be stupid and most importantly, dance out all of the anger and regret you have from 2010, I know I will. Jean Tuxedo and all. Happy New Year!

Ehh, why don't you just snow me!

I woke up this morning and realized I don't own gloves, a shovel or a winter jacket. How is this possible? I am 30 and lived in Massachusetts my entire life. And I have a mother who would dress me up like Ralphy's little brother, Randy from 'A Christmas Story'. Can I blame Santa for not bringing those items to me 2 days ago or does that not fly? How do I not at least own an old Baracuda jacket, my 1997 State Champion Soccer fleece, a mitten or something?

I also woke up this morning and my toilet was clogged. I don't own a plunger either. Without a shovel to get my car out, I can't go get a plunger to unclog my toilet, without a toilet I can't sit on the throne and watch YouPorn. In my book, this is enough to qualify my life as spiraling out of control. I feel like I am playing Top Gun for Nintendo and I am having one bitch of a time landing the plane. My life is going up in flames all over a plunger and a shovel. I will do what any 30 yr old male would do.....call his Mom.

I have a job interview tomorrow but I also have a pretty impressive beard going on right now. Do I shave and look professional? Do I trim it up and look like the 'Most Interesting in the World'? Or do I say screw it, wear the beard as is and just explain to the people 'hey, this is my first beard of my facial hair career and this thing ain't ready to go.'? It's a Catch 22. Part of me thinks Catch 22 is the completely wrong English term for this situation. Ms Slusarz would be so upset with me right now.

And I am joking, I don't watch YouPorn on the toilet, thats gross. I watch music videos to learn new dance moves.

Here's what I'm burning on 2.....

It is snowing out and it just took me 40 mins to get from Woburn to Wakefield. Thank God, I had those Captain and Cokes to make my drive that much more awesome. The funny thing about snowstorms is that everyone freaks the fuck out yet everyone has lived in Massachusetts for at least 25 years. Why is this news? Why is this big news? Why does it seem like everyone is always unprepared for winter? I just don't get it. I was at the grocery store today at 830am. Granted, it was the first time I have done a food order that was over $70, but you would have thought that Megatron and the Decepticons were coming the way people were running around the grocery store. People were leaving their spots in line to get every last bit of their grocery list. Tell me, is that a bag of flour going to save your life in these 15" of snow?? Didn't think so. I just hope the power doesn't go out because I bought 8 Mama Celeset's and 7 Hungry Man dinners. I need the microwave to work or I may die and I can't yell for help because everyone is building is at least 77 yrs old. Tell my parents I love them.

-I heard the term 'Thundersnow' today. It was a combination of the fact that A)it will be snowing like a motherfucker and B) we may have thunder ....so the weatherman thought he would be clever by saying it will be our first Thundersnow of the year. You can't just start using the term Thundersnow and act like its nothing. I mean, Jesus, Thundersnow! I am pretty sure Thundersnow comes from that the Snow Level in Contra for Nintendo and that was a bitch of a level so for anyone who played Contra when they were kid knows you don't just take the term ThunderSnow lightly. Just say blizzard or nor'easter. Thanks.

-It annoys me that the people who park in the small parking garage at my building decided to place their windshield wipers off their windshield. Do you know what I mean? People do it so their wipers don't get stuck or frozen....but you are under the roof, the snow won't come near your car. Stop. Are you mocking me? To me, I feel like you are making moose ears and sticking your tongue out at me by putting your wipers up. You know you don't have to, but you do it anyways....Stop. I hate you.

-Ok so my Mom claims she didn't buy me skinny jeans for Christmas, but she did buy me a shirt that looks like I was an extra in the movie 'Night at the Roxbury'. I love my mom, but I have a really hard time answering the question 'So do you like that shirt I bought you?' with a straight face. It is like that episode from the Cosby Show where Denise decided to make Theo a shirt but one sleeve was longer than the other. Or when Seinfeld had to wear the pirate shirt.....I am too nice and I have to say I like it, but it will just hang in my closet for the next 5 years. Sorry Mom.

-My mom stopped signing our gifts 'From Santa' this year. I was not happy. I think she gave up on Christmas.

-Do I have to work tomorrow? Can someone find that out for me? I will hate the world if I have to work tomorrow. The world can survive without Red Bull for one day. I am banking on not working because I already polished off a half bottle of Captain Morgans and I still have a Four Loko and 22 beers left. I think I need a hug.

-Tell ya what I don't miss. Parking in South Boston during a snowstorm. I am so happy I don't have to compete with a gnome or a lawn chair when parking my car. I have a spot. It will be plowed for me(I hope).

-I know I'm not gay because 3 other dudes tonight admitted they love Rhianna's new songs. Wait, am I hanging out with gay guys?

-Being stuck in a snowstorm, in an apartment by yourself has to be the equivalent of being in the looney bin. I feel like I am in the hole at a prison, but have been on good behavior so I am allowed a computer and a tv. Got everything but a conjugal visit....

-If another old person burns toast and causes the building's fire alarm to go off, I am not evactuating. I will take my chances and stand on my balcony and jump if need be. Its only 4 floors with snow. We used to jump out of windows 2 floors up in college into snow banks. This is is do-able. Picture your parents are visiting for the night and you have dudes just falling from the sky into the snowbank under your window. I wish I was in that dorm room when I came flying out of nowhere, screaming like a maniac as I fell.

-Speaking of college, during snowstorms, while everyone would go to the bars, Longden and I would go dorm to dorm and steal all the food from people's kitchens while chanting 'We are We are....a bunch of fucking assholes'(in the tune of the P.O.D's song, Youth of a Nation, look it up) We once stole someone's birthday cake. We each had a slice, then got a guilty concious(sp?) and returned the cake to the front door with a note on it........2 slices missing. Ha.

-Do I have to work tomorrow!!

Here's what I'm burning on.....

Ah, Christmas week. At this point in my life, it is just another week to be honest. So in honor of just another week, this will be just another blog entry. Boring and bland I'm sure. Yet again, I have no theme, so let's just get to it. Speed Round. Ready. Go.

-I told you Committed would win the Sing Off(see previous blog entry bitch) Ok, I am done glouting.

-A girl was standing at a T stop the other day and she was eating leftover spaghetti. It was 8am. My brain has still yet to decide how to feel about seeing this. I come from the school of thought that the only acceptable non breakfast food to eat was cold pizza. Right? No? Ok, fine. I'm just that weird then.

-Ok, it is Christmas week so I should at least reveal my 2 worse Christmas gifts I have bought for others. Ok 3 worse gifts.

1. Hunt for Red October VHS tape.
Blow me, I was 10 years old. I had no money. I thought it was a great gift for my dad. I told him to stand outside of the video store while I bought him an awesome new movie. I brought the movie to the counter only to realize I was $2 short. I started to cry. Again, blow me, I was 10 years old. Thankfully, a nice guy was behind me and put up the money for me. For the next couple years, I was convinced Santa was a guy in his mid 40's with a mustache who stood in line at Coconuts helping little kids get their parents VHS movies. Santa turned out to be alot cooler than that.

2. A purple sweater for my Mom from Filene's Basement.

It was your classic Christmas Eve shopping gift. My mom returned it. I don't blame her. I am still trying to get back on her good side for that one I think.

3. A shirtless Arnold Schwarzenegger charcoal sketch for my brother

Fine, I will finally admit this was the worst gift I have ever given. I should have known buying a gift from one of those carts in the middle of the mall would not go over too well. However, it was Arnold during his prime bodybuilding phase. Dude, had pecs and abs for days. To this day, I don't know what made me get it. I was in the mall, saw it, laughed and said to myself 'BEST. GIFT. EVER.' Jay never hung it up. Bullshit. Is that why we never hang out??

-So I currently have a beard. It is my first beard of my facial hair career. And I have to be honest, I kind of feel like Chuck Norris. Ya it gets a little itchy and irritating, but Chuck Norris doesn't itch and neither do I. It's red and it's spectacular. I almost look like a young Kris Kringle. I am not sure how long I can keep this up though before I start looking like Ron Burgundy after he told San Diego to 'fuck itself'. I kind of wish I took a series of photos during my beard's development. But for now, just picture a bald Hacksaw Jim Duggan.(blue speedo to boot when I am walking around my apartment)

-The other day I was told and I quote 'I didn't know you were this bright and intelligent, frankly, I don't know why you are in this line of work'. Really?? What should I be doing then? Should I be building rocket ships? I must look really dumb then.

-Working off that, a girl once told me she was watching Spongebob Squarepants and that the sidekick, Patrick, reminded her of me. Maybe I do look dumb. I need a toupee then. Thats the last time I date a 3rd grader.

-The UConn Women's hoop streak of 89 games in a row without losing is bullshit. Trust me, I watch plenty of women's sports because I have ADD and will watch any sporting event, but this streak is dumb. That is all I really have to say about that.

-Cals asked me the other day what I wanted in my stocking that is hanging at his apartment. He suggested a bicycle. I suggested a rhinocerous. Two very reasonable suggestions I thought.

-So rumor has it my mom bought me skinny jeans for Christmas. Definately a pay back gift for that purple sweater I bought her huh. I think if you wear skinny jeans, you have to wear a chain wallet, Converse sneakers, iron your hair and like the band Big Reel Fish. Apologies to my skinny jean wearing readers.

.....done.

The Sing Off Power Rankings.

Alright. I am not sure whether or not to laugh, cry, pound my chest in respect or dry heave when I read a Facebook status that tells the world you 'got the runs'. I don't know about the rest of the Facebook universe, but when I read a status I usually picture that scenario in my head. Don't ask me why, I used to eat Bisquick right out of the box too. So when I read that you 'got the runs' or 'got the runs.....again', I am actually seeing you 'have the runs'. I say I respect the status because you are comfortable enough in telling strangers 'hey, I poop too, just like you.....one nugget at a time'.

Now that I got that off my chest.....

The Sing Off.

I fuckin love the Sing Off, so I figured why not rank the remaining Sing Off contestants because A)I told you, I love the Sing Off and B) Its 4pm in the afternoon on a Tuesday and I can't keep watching ESPN jerk off all over the TV about Favre and his streak....

Power Rankings for The Sing Off. GO!

5. The Backbeats

I like you. I do. You sound great. I even like your KD Lang look-a-like doing the beatboxing for you. I just hated your performance of Loveshack last night. Here you are, killing it with emotional performance after emotional peformance. I got goosebumps.......once........I said once. Now you turn around and pick Loveshack as your 'guilty pleasure' song because you want to have the judges to see you having 'fun'? BUUUULLLLLLSHIIIIIIT. BUUUUULLLLLLSHIIIIIIT. You looked like a middle school play with your goofy looking lead singer guy jumping around like a moron. I hope someone gave him an atomic wedgie backstage. FAIL. Instead of Loveshack, you sing Take On Me. Done and done. You are next to go.

4. On the Rocks.

First of all, way too many dudes. I know its suppose to be an all male group, and that is totally cool with me, but does it have to be like 74 of you. How about like 11? Im just saying. You had me early with the Live your Life by T.I, you never see that shit. You don't have to sing all the time, I liked where you were going.........BUT.................you go and do Pour Some Sugar on Me. Really On the Rocks? Really? You had an entire category of Rock songs to pick and you chose that. First of all, that song and Living on a Prayer need to be retired from the rotation at bars by DJs. They just do. I won't get into that. Back to On the Rocks. Ill be honest, you looked a little fruity singing Def Lepard, and theres nothing wrong with that, but you didn't keep my attention. I was too busy going 'Ew, don't make that face' or 'WHAT THE FUCK!" Better get to work on trying to bang Schrezinger cause your time is about to expire in the next 2 shows.

3. Jerry Lawson and the Talk of the Town

Okay, you are old so I respect you. However....you are old. You can sing. But you can't dance cause you don't have real hips I bet. My point is made when you sang Satisfaction and looked as if we were witnessing the evolution of a boner when Jerry started to move his pelvic region and look at Schrenzinger(yes I know I am not spelling her name wrong) it turned me off. Yes I am the end all be all. Ha. I will admit, you started to lose me when you started to gyrate, but when you dudes sang 'Easy' by the Commodores....pure gold. Sit on the stools, smile and sing your balls off. I would not classify that song as a guilty pleasure but I would give my right leg if could sing falsetto like whats his face did. Yes, if I could sing, I would only want to sing falsetto....thats it. Don't ask me why but it has a little to do with Timberlake, in his NSYNC days, killing the end of 'This I Promise You'.......no, I am not gay......Jerry and the crew, you are my darkhorse because you will get the elderly vote and judging by my apartment building and driving around all day, there are still alot of your kind out there. Amazing.

2. Street Corner Symphony

Big fan of you guys. Big fan. All I ask is for one thing. Can you please lose the 'shooting range' colored glasses? Please? I know the lights are bright, you are from Tennessee and don't have this type of access to these kind of clothes, but for christ sake you can say 'NO I WILL NOT WEAR THOSE CAUSE I LOOK LIKE I AM WEARING BLU BLOCKERS!' With that said, you made me actually like Train 'Soul Sister'. I don't know how, but you did. And because of that, that was all I needed to see. Lose the glasses, let that dude Jeremy keep singing the lead and you can take this shit home, plus I have been to Nashville, its beautiful this time of year.....I will see you in the finals.....

1. Committed

Give me these guys any day of the week. I want these guys to follow me around, at least 20 feet behind me though cause that would just be creepy, and just sing fellas. I just want you to sing whatever the hell song fits the moment but make it soulful. Trying on clothes at a store, how about you sing 'Do Me' by BBD. Filling up my gas tank, how about you sing 'The World's Greatest' by R Kelly. That would be awesome. Make me feel it. It is shit like these guys that make me wish you could be taught to sing. Everyone knows you are either born with the ability to sing, the ability to dance, the ability to sing and dance, or the ability to hate going to school dances so you drink Vodka out of a Sprite bottle in the woods then come to start fights with the guys who are just dancing their faces off the circle..........

Sorry, I blacked out. Committed. Yes. If these guys don't win it, I will quit McDonalds. They have been killing it with every peformance, but somewhere along the line there is going to be a 'Down' by NOTA peformance that is going to grab the country and get them votes. If I had a twitter account, I would tweet that. But I don't, so I blogged it.

COMMITTED WINS.

Feel free to debate. I welcome it.

My Top 10 Christmas Songs.

Of the 3 people that read this blog, 1 of them told me they would like to see something Christmas themed. So 'tis the season. Here is my Top 10 Christmas Songs. Opinions are encouraged.

10. NKOTB 'FUNKY FUNKY CHRISTMAS'

'Its snowing outside, but we ho ho ho-ing' is an actual lyric in the song. With rhymes like that, I am shocked they didn't crossover into the hip hop market.

9. Bon Jovi 'Baby Please Come Home for Christmas'

First of all, who leaves Jon Bon Jovi??! Second of all, she is missing out on a chance for a 3some with Jovi and Sambora. I am pretty sure Sambora just brings his dual acoustic guitar, sits in the corner and just plays the instrumental to 'WANTED' as Jovi makes sweet sweet love to his woman while just wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots. That's my Bon Jovi 3some fantasy.

8.U2 'Baby Please Come Home'

Ya I know its the same title, but U2 gives a big 'FUCK YOU' to Bon Jovi with this song. You don't mess with Bono because he will beat you down everytime. Thats why they are at #8 and Bon Jovi is at #9, staring up at Edge's balls. The song is a little more upbeat and I get the feeling Bono could care less if she came home, thats why the song is only 2:19 in length. Oh song's over already, she still isn't home. NEXT! He already has a chick under his tree waiting to be unwrapped.

7.Bruce Springsteed 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town'

The Boss makes an early appearance on the countdown, but it won't be his last. Anytime you have a piano involved, I am hooked. I played this song on repeat when my parents bought the 'A Very Special Christmas' CD back in '87 or whenever it was. Bruce just threw his own stank on this song and nailed it. I will be playing this on repeat once again this Christmas, but this time I will be dancing with my nephew.

6.Boyz II Men 'Silent Night'

Light a candle. Light the tree. Grab some lube. Boyz II Men are about to take you into a whole other world. Maybe this song should be a little higher on my list because it is all acapella and I am a huge fan of the Sing Off on NBC, but I was not comfortable with that move. But seriously, you can't go wrong with these guys. You can be in the biggest fit of rage you have ever been in, in your entire life, and I swear if someone starts to play this song, you will immediately start hugging dudes, kissing babies and opening doors for old people. Very soothing. They should just pipe this song throughout every mall during this time of year, alot less grumpy shoppers. However I do think its bullshit they cut out the dude who sings bass. It's just not the same without him, kind of like when BSB cut out Kevin and his spanish looking mustache.

5. Mariah Carey 'All I Want for Christmas'

1994. 14 years old. My first boner.....I think. This song just crushes any other song she has every come out with......okay maybe not DreamLover because I love that video. I always wanted to be one of the black guys doing the 'tootsie roll' and dry humping the ground. I was a weird kid alright. Back to the Christmas song...as soon as you hear that Fisher Price piano playing, you automatically know what song it is and you automatically turn up the radio. I was a fan of the black and white video as opposed to the original video, but thats just me. I like a girl in boots. I know people would like this song higher, maybe at 1, but I make the rules here.

4. Band Aid 'Do they know its Christmas'

If I left this song off I don't deserve presents this Christmas. A song about hope, a song about peace, a song with Boy George and George Michael singing back to back verses. PURE GOLD. Give me 15-20 male artists in the 80s with the greatest collection of hair in one recording studio and you have a hit .....and probably alot of man juice on the microphones after....but still. Instead of giving the bell for the Salvation Army people to ring outside the mall, give them this song on a CD and a boombox. Yes, a boombox. A)Its not annoying where you want to punch the poor guy for ringing the bell over and over and over and over. B)Everyone loves Boy George's voice. I promise you, his tin can will be full in 1 hour. GUARANTEED.

3. Run DMC 'Christmas in Hollis'

Put this song on repeat, give me all your presents and I will have all those motherfuckers wrapped in an hour. They will look like shit, but I will have them wrapped because this song gets me in the Christmas mood. 'My name is Jared with the mic in my hand, and I'm chillin and coolin' just like a snowman...so open your eyes, lend me a ear, I wanna say MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEEAAAAAR!' Word to your mutha.

2.WHAM! 'Last Christmas'

SYNTHESIZER. WHAM!. CHRISTMAS. This is what it is all about. But quickly.....GLEE I hate you for doing this song last night. Stop messing with the untouchable shit and this falls under that catergory for me. But I will thank you because it makes me know how friggin awesome the original is. Ya this song is kind of a bummer, I mean, what cold hearted person takes someone's heart and then up and leaves the next day! That shit is whack. You couldve have broke it off before WHAM! gave you their love. I mean, maybe call it off in like October around Halloween or something. At least its a funny story to tell someone. Ya, we broke up, he was in his Speed Racer costume when he did it, I was wearing my Wookie costume. But overall, the song is tremendous. Makes you want to hug someone. Play tummy sticks. Motorboat.

1. Bruce Springsteen 'Merry Christmas Baby'

I JUST CAME HERE TO SAY! I JUST CAME HERE TO SAY! I JUST CAME HERE TO SAY............BEST SONG. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. HANDS DOWN!!

If you knew me, you knew this was atop the list. From beginning to end, Bruce is just making sexy time with this song. You can play this song in July and I will get all fired for Christmas. This song kicks so much ass, it is not even fair. Bruce takes Christmas by the balls and just says LET'S DRINK SOME EGGNOG! I want this song to be played at my wedding just for the hell of it. Just an incredible song that does not get enough airtime in my book. I bet the 3 people who read this blog didn't even know this song was around. Well it does, you know it now and you will forever be thankful that I told you about it. Play it the day you wake up on Christmas morning while your wife is still sleeping, stand over them in your just boxers with the most expensive gift you got them and let the magic happen.

Merry Christmas everybody. I hope everyone gets what they truly want for Christmas, but more importantly are with the ones that make them the happiest. Merry Christmas!

Stu Scott has a wandering eye and I have a wandering mind...

To keep myself from going insane before the Pats/Jets Monday night game, I figured I would write another blog no one reads. I just can't sit in front of my tv any longer and hear Stu Scott tell me that Mark Sanchez needs to play well tonight for the Jets to win and same goes for the Patriots defense. So let me get this straight Stu and all of ESPN...

If the Jets score, they win BUT...

if the Patriots keep the Jets from scoring, they win?? MIND EXPLOSION!

Over the weekend, I got a few people tell me they actually read my blog. First I told them that they need to get a girlfriend because no one should have time to read my boring blog, then I told them I need a girlfriend because I shouldn't have this much time during the day to be thinking about my blog. Anyways, I appreciate the feedback. I will continue to blog about absolutely nothing.

Like I said before, I lack the ability to focus on one thing so I will just keep up with my quick thoughts, kind of like the comedian Steven Wright but not as funny.

Ready. GO.

I bought the Michael Jackson The Experience dance game. I don't own the Wii. However, I do carry it with me in case the house I am at has the Wii. I wish it came out before Halloween because I definately would have dressed up as MJ and went trick or dancing.

Are the Patriots on tonight? They play football on Mondays?

I heard Scott Zolak say on the radio today the following statement...

'Look for Tom Brady to throw to Welker and Branch tonight.' NO JOKE. Thanks Zolak, I thought he would try and look for Vincent Brisby and Hart Lee Dykes instead. You mean he is going to try and throw to the 2 starting wide receivers.

I had an interview for a promotion at work on Friday. It took 2 hours. When I was done, I was ready to ask for a happy ending. Thankfully, the last song I heard before I entered my interview was 'Firework' by Katy Perry. Everytime I was told 'that was a really good answer', I sang the chorus in my head. 'BABY YOU'RE A FIRREEEEEWORK!!'...Just another reason as to why we should be allowed to play music during certain times throughout the day. Sometimes music makes the moment more than it really is. Kind of like the volleyball scene from TopGun. Watch that scene on mute, then watch that scene with the volume and try to tell me that 'Playin with the Boys' doesn't make that scene. EPIC. And that totally makes zero sense to my original point, I just wanted to think about Tom Cruise on the beach in jeans.

I have realized that I let everyone know that I like alot of songs I shouldn't like as a heterosexual male....for instance 'Firework' by Katy Perry. So I would like to take this moment to say that I like boobs and big butts. Girls are fantastic.....but seriously, Firework is one of hell of an inspirational song. Makes me feel like I have long flowing hair, pecs, triceps, and can do anything I put my mind to......like walk through a petting zoo without peeing my pants.

I just made the mistake of clicking on 'PEOPLE YOU MAY KNOW' on Facebook. I think the page is still loading......it made me wonder why am I not friends with all these people on Facebook??? I know them all! Did I do something to every single of them? Am I going to explode into a cloud of dust because this many people I know are not Facebook friends with me? Am I a bad person for not friending them? I am going to have to update my Christmas list. This is absurd.

Every single one of the Cigarette sales reps are women, really hot women. But I bet they smoke or dip, so that makes them instantly unattractive to me. Just sayin'.

Did anyone see Ben Rothelisberger's broken nose last night? The thing was pointing at his ear. What is worse than a broken nose? Like what would you not want to break? I am going to go with dislocated knee cap or elbow. And don't say penis.....grow up.

There needs to be more theme house parties. I went to an Ugly Xmas sweater party over the weekend. It was hilarious. I suggest we have a Jean Tuxedo party in like Febuary. Who wants to host it!? I call stonewash!

I have realized 2 things about my building. It smells great around 430pm because all the people in here are 78+ yrs old and eat dinner super early. Sunday mornings my hallway smells like eggbeaters and bacon because old people love their Sunday breakfast. And I love the smell of bacon, it works out well.

I see Bill Guerin retired from the NHL today. I have a Bill Guerin story. Everyone has a Bill Guerin story right? You don't? LOSERS.

It was my freshman year of college. I was in my Intro to Church class at Assumption. My professor was Sister Ellen Guerin aka the Dean of Students. She asked for all of us to write our name, where we were from and one question we had about the Church. It could be anything. Kids asked is there really wine in that goblet to do you believe in Heaven or Hell? I, of course, asked are you related to Bill Guerin, the current NHL player? Come to find out, it was her nephew! And here I am thinking I was being funny. EGG ON MY FACE!