And I will rise up!!

I will give you 2 choices here. You can choose to believe that I chose Easter to return my blog because.....
1. I felt my blog is very Jesus like and on this day it needed to be resurrected
OR
2. I have drank 2 coffees, 3 Coca Colas ate Easter cookies and watched the Celtics sweep in the past 2 hours so I am flying....

I couldn't even tell you when my last blog entry was nor does anyone reading this probably care.  But it is kinda tough keeping a blog up to date consistently when you aren't getting paid to do it and you definately don't think your life is that important or interesting to the rest of the world.  If I did think that then I would request someone to follow me around with a Boombox blasting this song all day, every day just to emphasize it.


Let's just get right to it. READY SET......HAPPY EASTER! GO!

-Did I mention the Celts swept today?  This is the only reason I wish I kept up with my blog so I could have in writing what I have been preaching before the Perk trade and most certainly after the Perk trade. The Celts have 4 all stars!  They don't go anywhere if those 4 all stars play poorly and you can't judge the trade until the playoffs, but even then, it falls on the 4 all stars and the 40+ mins they will be playing.  It has nothing to do with Perk, nothing to do with Kristic and Green. 4 All Stars and a great in game coach. Thats it. Let's see where that gets them. I say the NBA Finals. But hey, what do I know, I stopped playing hoops after my freshmen year in high school.  I sucked. I could shoot the jumper like a young Mark Price, but I was too much of a pussy to do anything else.  I just played because my Mom would buy me the newest Reebok Pumps. Although she did buy me the white ones, not the cool looking black ones. I think she even knew I wasn't  cool enough or good enough to wear the black Pumps.  Good looking out Ma.

-I cannot begin to tell you how much my life has changed ever since I finally got a cord to play my IPod in my car.  It has only been 24 hours since I got one, but HOLY SHIT.  I just want to drive around in circles in the parking lot listening to music that is never on the radio.  I would put my dancing skills while operating a vehicle up against anyone now that I have a functioning Ipod.  I probably look like a dousche, but I could care less, I can play Prince's "You Sexy Motherfucker" whenever and wherever.  That is life. PERIOD.

-Let it be known, I am not a Bruins fan and I am secretly waiting for them to collapse so I can laugh internally because doing that in public in a bar full of Bruins fan is a basically asking to get my head ripped off. Those people are maniacs.

-StepBrothers is on and it has entered into my Top 5 movies.
Rounding out the Top 5 are...
-Back to the Future
-Seven
-Karate Kid and...
-TeenWolf......you can laugh at that list. It is rather pathetic, but fuckin awesome at the same time.

-The lady in front of me at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru bought my order today.  I was shocked and extremely pumped, but slightly upset that I didnt order my first Big N Toasty.  I will do my best to pay-it-forward and see if we can actually make that Liberty Mutual commercial come true....its my move, keep your eyes open. I am secretly hoping I get the chance to save someone from being hit by a car. I have seen Spiderman way too much.


-I got a new job and I started it last week. Let me tell you this, I love wearing a shirt and tie to work.  I know, I will hate it in like 2 weeks, but this is coming from a kid who hated his job for the past 2 years and chose to wear hooded sweatshirts for a straight 4 months.  It has only been a week, but shit, a shirt and tie can really make a guy feel important.  My whole first week consisted of me studying scripts and making me feel like I am the auditioning for a high school role in Death of a Salesman, but I am digging it.  But back to the shirt and tie every day....I havent been this excited to pick out my clothes the night before since I graduated 4th grade and was heading into 5th grade.  I secretly wish it was still socially acceptable to wear to work a pair of Gibeau jeans along with a Champion sweatshirt with a dickey underneath and I could finish out the outfit with a pair of Mario shoes with the silver buckle. There was a fuckin reason I won Fashion Plate in Mrs Walker's 5th grade class.  But I guess I lost my sense of style because I never won the title again.  I kinda wanna bring back Superlatives.

-Is it good or bad that I do more dancing in my kitchen than I do cooking?  I blame Chris Brown and his new album........and my inability to want to measure things out accurately and my hatred to cook at the current moment.  For lunch last week, I went to BK twice, Wendys once, and ordered pizza with the people in the office.  If you were to cut me open, grease would pour of out me and I would smell like bacon....
-McDonalds coffee is giving Dunking Donuts a strong push for my top choice....and it is only a dollar. 

-I can't decide who I don't like more.  A guy who says 'WE' when he is talking about his hometown team at a bar or the guy who is wearing a jersey at a bar and constantly tried to get the bar to do a 'LETS GO BOSTON!' chant going? I am gonna flip a coin....or maybe I just suck and they hate me for not wearing a jersey, not starting a chant, and never saying 'WE' when I am talking about the team.

-Shopping for a gift for my nephew may be the most stressful thing in the world. I just wanted to get him a toy for Easter, but all the toys in Toys R Us suck nowadays huh.  The best option was a steering wheel that made noises.  Come on.  How do I get that job that Tom Hanks had in BIG??  I want to sit in an office all day and play with toys, then say which ones suck and which ones have potential.  Is that on Craigslist?
Instead I went with a bunch of clothes for the kid.  I usually get him 3-4 cool pieces of clothing and then 1 shirt that I would never want to be seen in, I only get it to see the reaction of my brother and sister in law.  I chose to get him a shirt that will make the little guy look like Mr Furley from 3s Company or if they stole the print from the kitchen wallpaper of That 70s Show.  Similar to this....

I'm going to Wakefield, MA.....BITCH.

So I am off all next week.  Is there anything more depressing than taking a week off and just waking up in your apartment and not some resort? But whatever, I got an agenda next week and that is to land a fucking J O B, before I start playing in traffic blindfolded and sippin on a wine cooler. I will most likely hook up my old school Nintendo, try to beat Contra with 3 guys(impossible) while drinking Bud Heavys.  Anyways....

If you watched Ray Allen break the 3pt record last night and didnt either, get goosebumps, get a little blood flow(thats a boner) or tear up a bit, then you are not human.  I will admit, I welled up a little.  Just seeing a guy break a record and knowing that guy did it right every day is kind of cool.  Ray got up everyday, shot a basketball nearly every day for the last 15 days and did it the right way.  He didn't go the Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire route, he just did it right.  RESPECT.  Plus I know I can relate a little bit with Ray and shooting the 3 because I was the Wakefield Basketball Association 3pt shootout champ when I was 12.  I remember like it was yesterday.  I lit it up the first couple rounds and advanced to face sharp shooting Shawn Wallace in the finals. He was like the Dale Ellis for my age. Just lights out.  Best day of my basketball career.

But last night watching Ray Allen it made me think of his place in all time NBA Live players.  Now NBA Live was the NHL 94 for basketball fans. Epic battles in my parents basement between my brother, my friends, my brothers friends.  It has to still be a top 5 video game of all time. Yes I said ALL TIME. So here are my Top 5 NBA Live 95 Players.

5. Tracy Murray Portland Trailblazers- Cals put up 200 pts with the guy in a single game. LIGHTS OUT.

4. Latrell Spreewell Golden State Warriors-Guy could shoot, throw it down, slap the floor and play some defense.  With a squad that had Webber, Hardaway and Mullin, he was the best.  Just had skillz....he deserves the'z'

3. Mitch Richmond- The Kings sucked back then, but Mitch Richmond made it awesome to be the Kings. He could shoot from anywhere, steal the ball which was impossible to do in the game, but more importantly, guy just shot lights out all the time, especially from the angle.  Do it. He wont miss.

2. Shawn Kemp- BADASS. Dunked from anywhere on the floor and always, always, always pointed at your after he dunked on your in the game.  Alley Oops everytime down the floor.  Just a man child.

1.Mark Price- White guy. LIGHTS OUT from the top of the 3pt arc and impossible to stop at the Gund Arena.  There is even a video dedicated to him on Youtube. Other people fuckin understand where Im coming from.....




Done. Like I said I am off all next week and should be writing more than usual seeing I have nowhere to go, no girl to impress on Valentines Day and I have no money. Pick a bar and Ill meet you there.

Picture Day! YA!

A)This is my bedroom at the current moment.  I am very tempted to going on Craigslist to find a maid.  I just want to put a posting up and see what types of people actually respond. 

2. I bet this guy makes more money than me, looking like a gay Indiana Jones or Crocodile Dundee all fuckin day. Come on dude, you sell bread to Stop n Shop. 

I took today off.  Why is the day after the Super Bowl not a national holiday yet?  I didn't go to a Super Bowl party or anything, instead I watched my nephew rollover like a cub or a drunk midget. I didn't take today off because of the Super Bowl, I took it off because I am on a Contra like adventure to try and find a new job ASAP.  I am on like Stage 3 'Waterfalls'.  I say that because that is a hell of a level to beat because the screen keeps moving and if you don't move fast enough, you will die....and right now I am dying because life keeps moving and I can't keep up with it.  Bills, food, my drinking problem, and gambling are all things I need to keep up with, and the screen is moving way too fast for me. I need the Dave Coultier 'Out of Control' Remote and either pause life or slow it down before I wind up living back in my parents basement, turn into a chain smoker, trying to win a radio contest just so I can move out again. 

Speaking of my parents.  I walked into the house today to see what food I could steal and my dad is sitting on the couch with a neckbrace on. What the fuck?  You didn't have that neckbrace on yesterday.  This is when my brother chimes in and says 'THROW THE BRIEFCASE!'.  I love when random Brady Bunch episodes pop up in real life. 

 So I drove an hour to Bedford,NH to speak to some recruiter about getting me a job.  I drove for an hour to discuss my resume.  I drove an hour to discuss what we already discussed on the phone 8 times. I drove an hour for her to call me 5 hours later to tell me she spoke with her boss and will start to find a couple companies where I may fit.  I drove an hour, put on a shirt and tie, for nothing. I looked good though. But I didnt have to go into work today because doing anything other going to work nowadays is fuckin awesome. So I ask again, why is the day after the Super Bowl not a national holiday yet?  Just trade out President's Day which we get off in 2 weeks with the Monday after the Super Bowl.  Who do I speak to about this?  Mitt Romney? Morgan Freeman? Zuckerberg? (I watched the Social Network over the weekend)

Looking for a new job is pretty friggin stressful.  First of all, I hate my current job which makes finding a new job that much more stressful because all you want to do is find one so you can walk into the office, take a huge dump on the boss's desk and say 'I give my 2 weeks.........and some corn..PHHHBTT'.  Every company or recruiter that calls me asks why I am looking for a new job and I say 2 things..
1.I need more money because I have been living off of a PB&J the last 2 weeks
2.The life is being sucked out of me every day and I will dead by age 32.
They respond with this question:Would you rather work at a job you make alot of money but you are miserable with or would you rather work at a job where you don't make alot but you are happy?
I usually couch my answer, but I want to say I would like a job where I make alot of money and I am happy, why is that so hard to find?  It is amazing, how you feel about your job can totally affect every ounce of your life.  My current status is I HATE PEOPLE.  And it all stems from my job. I have actually considered having my brother and sister in law hire me as their full time Nanny.  Then I can definately fulfill my dream of being Michael Keaton from 'Mr. Mom'. 

 Like I said, I have been eating PB&J for the last 2 weeks.  Question.
WHY HAS PB&J BEEN MISSING FROM MY LIFE FOR SO LONG!?
So simple. So good. You can eat so much and never feel gross.   Was there an age cutoff for PB&J? Do people think they were too cool for PB&J? And why did I have my mother cut off the crust when I was a kid?  The crust is almost the best part.  And why did I hate the crunchy peanut butter before?  Crunchy peanut butter makes the whole sandwich.  I will say that eating PB and Fluff is a little childish, but PB&J is definately still socially acceptable and could be a great party food.



 

Ice Ice Baby

You can thank this blog entry to the person outside my bedroom window who is scraping off their car and shoveling at 1015pm when I need to get up and be at work by 5am. 

Dear Mystery Person,
I hate you.  And I do not hate alot of people, but I do hate you right now.  Why are you shoveling and cleaning off your car right now?  It has not snowed all day and the fact that you are doing it now tells me you didn't go anywhere today, therefore you had all day to do it.  Do you know the sound you are making right now as people are trying to sleep?  It is right in between nails on a chalkboard and a barking dog, but just above the sound of a phone off its hook.  OH! You are going to start your car right now and just let it run?! Perfect. Great idea. Make sure you get every last piece of ice off that car.  I would rather listen to 'Blue' by Eiffel 65 on repeat than listen to you scrap the shit out of your windshield.  I would stick my head out of my 4th floor window right now and scream but I am not a 74 year old person living in the 1950s from Bronx NY or part of the cast of '227'.  So I will sit in here and just wait.....patiently......very patiently and slowly develop the half cry/half laugh as I lay here in my bed wondering what the hell has happened to my life. Good Day sir. I said...GOOD DAY!

This song. Oh this song....

Put it in a doggy bag, Johnny!!

Mother Nature won't quit with this snow, so I refuse to quit on my blog and will continue to provide the world with utter nonsense happening in my mind that no one should even care or laugh about.(I keep ending sentences in prepositions and I know that ain't really good English).  Alright then, say it with me....
READY. SET.......GO!

There are songs you sing along with in your car, then there are songs you fuckin' really sing along with in your car.  The type of songs where you don't care who is watching, where you are, you don't even care that you are even driving a motor vehicle.  'Man in the Mirror' was that song for me, but 'Grenade' by Bruno Mars is really starting to creep its way to the top spot. I am pretty sure I could fill out Madison Square Garden if people caught wind of how awesome I am when I am riding in my car.  Don't know what it is about that song, but I feel it and I feel it hard.(thats what she said!)

Ok.  Would you consider it weird if you were to walk into a public restroom and see a guy in a wheelchair using the urinal?  I will give you a minute to try and figure out how that would actually work....
.Alright, so I walked into the restroom to take a piss.  As I walked in to use the urinal, I see the guy in the wheelchair who was in the bar area all night, but he was in front of the urinal, and he was using it!  Now, he was not a wheelchair cripple, because I saw him using his legs to push himself around so he must have some sort of muscle disease or something.  I am by no means making fun of him, just observing.  The urinal was low to the ground so maybe it is also intended for the handicap, litte kids, dogs and midgets? I don't know.  But the thing that kind of blows my mind is that he was the only person in the bathroom with both stalls open, which included a spacious handicap stall.  No one passed me by as I was entering the bathroom, so I think the wheelchair guy chose to use the urinal.  So if I have this correct, he just whips out his 'thang' and starts to pee with an arc to it?  I think?  I wasn't looking because when I entered and saw him using the lone urinal, I panicked and I had to use the handicap stall.  Ironic? I don't know, I just picture him peeing like one of those statues that pee into a fountain.  I commend him for wanting to feel he can do anything I can do, but I think if I was in that position, I would rather pee with ease instead of making it into a challenge from Double Dare.  Am I going to hell?

I am having a tough time slotting the Peanut Butter Twix bar into my Top 15 candybars.  It will make it in, but I don't want to disrespect it or give it too much praise.  It is a very intricate list, alright!  For a person who once consumed a king size chocolate bar every day for at least 6 months, then go to Wendy's for lunch, I take this shit seriously. I will have the candy bar list soon......I hope.

Stepping on snow for me is worse than nails on a chalkboard and I can't avoid stepping on snow!  It is everywhere and I literally cringe with every step, to the point where I have to shuffle my feet as I walk.  It is by the far the worst feeling I have experienced.  I want to jump on a stranger's back and have them carry me to where I am going.  The thought of stepping on snow and hearing that sound, makes me want to stab icicles in my eye and kick kittens. 

Is it weird, rude, or awesome that I went to an engagement party last weekend that provided a buffet of appetizers for their guests, and I was the only asshole to ask for a carry-out box to take some of the food home?  I don't cook or I choose not to cook, actually I choose not to food shop.  I would rather drink and eat Top Raamen right now...being an adult is hard.

When people don't hold the door for me when I am carrying 15 cases of Red Bull into a store makes me want to fire a 20oz can off their face from close range and go into the Antoine Dodson Bed Intruder rant where he calls the person 'dumb, you are really really dumb'  You see me coming, we made eye contact. You know I am coming into the Tedeschi's because you know they don't sell Red Bull at H&R Block.  I called a lady a loser and I said it kind of loud too.  She was sitting there, peering out the window, scratching her dumb Lucky 7s tickets, seeing me going up a ramp and coming into the store, open the fucking door.  Don't just watch me get a hernia.  So ya, I called her a loser, totally got her! 

So Backstreet and New Kids are going to play at Fenway. They still don't have the best boyband song in the history of all boybands...just let it play

You ate a whole wheel of cheese?

Today I stepped on black ice and almost took a digger into a snowbank in front of commuters in downtown Somerville.  I must have looked like a drunk 16 yr old on prom night as I tried to stay upright.  Part of me just wished I went down and got it over with because I think if I actually fell people would have felt bad for me, but instead I made their morning. I bet half of them were chanting 'fall! fall! fall!' in their cars.  So I ask would you rather just take the digger and bounce back up or would you rather look like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's fighting to stay up?  I would rather take the fall and get the pity. That's just me.

At prep school, there was a black hockey player and his nickname was Black Ice. No joke. I was very hesistant to laugh because I didn't know if they were messing with me because I was the new kid, but I found out they were dead serious.  I never called him Black Ice to his face though, I'm not that dumb. 

Ever get a phone call from your buddy, but the person accidentally butt dialed you.  Do you immediately hang up when you realize it was a butt dial or do you do like I do...............that's alot of 'do's'.
Act like you are Tommy Lee in the movie The Fugitive and try to pick up every possible little sound, every syllable, any clue you can gather to guess where that person is or if that person is talking about you.You turn down the radio, the tv, tell people to shut up, cover one ear and pretend like this phone call is the most important phone call you have ever received.  For whatever reason I always try to listen for a train because that just seems to be the norm in all the movies, there is always a train horn or train conductor in the background.  I didn't hear trains, but I did hear a referee whistle. He was at a soccer game. I win.

The other day at work I successfully quoted a movie during a conversation.  That has been my goal over the past month. To quote a movie in conversation without the other person knowing  I hate work and the only way I can get through my day is to make myself laugh.  A spanish lady who works at CVS thinks we are dating. She hates when I don't shave and since I have beard, we are fighting.  Last week I walked in, said hi to her and she was not happy.  She kept saying 'You no shave for me! You no shave for me!" She then immediately started to speak spanish about me to her co-worker, like angry spanish with the head whip and shit.  I told her...'you know I don't speak spanish'. I laughed. She didn't.  A small victory for me in my world......Now I just need to find a way to work the speech by Marty McFly on how Doc Brown came up with the flux capacitor into a conversation about Red Bull 4pks on sale at Shaw's. I like challenges.
Read today  that Timberlake is dating Jessica Biel and banging Olivia Munn on the side. Ok fine, if that is your excuse as to why you haven't had an album in awhile, I totally understand.  I can accept that.  But just so you know, O-Town is back together so you might want to get a move on. On a side note, Ashley Angel. What the fuck are you doing not joining O-Town again? Are you too school for cool?  What the hell do you have going on?  This is like if the Jackson 5 reunited and Marlon was like....'nah, Im good, I got other things going on.'  Please watch this whole video. This song is gross

I will end this blog entry with this. I like Steven Tyler on Idol. Alot more than I thought I would. And J Lo is hot. A big butt and a smile I would trust. I need a girlfriend, I have way too much time on my hands. Way too much.

Why did you have to pick this weekend to be a Chicano?

Happy MLK Day! And on a day of equal rights, on a day of fighting for freedom, and most importantly fighting to be an individual and be who you truly are, nothing, and I mean nothing, speaks to the heart of what Dr King stood for than the Saved by the Bell College Years episode when Slater decided to become a Chicano. That episode has by far the best Zack Morris line ever. I laugh outloud, in tears, everytime. Even Slater was laughing.....watch...

Gets me everytime.

The other day I sparked a pretty heated debate at a bar amongst friends and it centered around Macaroni and Cheese. I am led to believe that the shape of the noodle makes the quality of the Kraft Mac n Cheese. I say this because I have been living off of Kraft Mac for the past week. The regular noodle just does not do it for me. I follow the instructions on the box. I use the right amount of the milk they ask for and every...single...fuckin...time it comes out soupy! When I lessen the milk, still soupy and it irritates the shit out of me. However, you go out and buy the Three Cheese Shell and it comes out perfect every single time. I mean, this could all be because I am just clueless, but I am pretty sure I am right on this. My friends seemed to think I was on to something. You tell me. Is it the noodle shape? Is my milk to cheese powder to noodle ratio way off? Am I slow? I think its the noodle shape, there is no other explanation for it. The shells rule and the noodles drool.....literally. But when it comes down to it, just get the Velveeta Shells and squeeze that cheese. End of discussion.

It is no secret. I hate my job. Part of it is that I lost my only pair of gloves the other day and today it was so cold I felt like I was in the movie 'The Day After Tomorrow'. (Side note: If I had to pick a movie with Dennis Quaid to be in, I would choose Inner Space). Anyhoo. But I have reached the point where my job is turning into the movie Office Space and I am turning into Peter. Take today for instance, we had to work. The rest of the company was off, but we were asked to come in on Monday because we already had missed too many Mondays over the past 3 weeks. I could hear Lombard in my weekend going 'Yaaa, I'm gonna have to ask you to come in on Monday, that would be great.' I spend my entire day trying to figure out how I can make a 'Jump to Conclusions' Mat. I am on a full time job search, which is a job in itself, but at the same time I have to go to work until I find something. It is painful. Ok, enough of me feeling sorry for myself. I am not the only person in the world who hates their job. Let's get positive before we can continue.



Ok. So the Patriots lost yesterday. Awful right? Like watching a horrible car accident and there is nothing you can do about it. But maybe it is just me, but I wasn't really that pissed about it. I don't know why. I am a Patriots fan, I care, I have an opinion, but I am just not that pissed about it. Same thing goes for the Red Sox. They didn't make the playoffs, but I wasn't pissed, I didn't lose sleep over it, I wasn't beside myself all day at work. I don't know. I just think the people of Boston expect a championship every single year. I think we expect too much, every single year. Yes, the Patriots should have won yesterday and I am not necessarily talking about that game yesterday. I don't know, it is just a feeling I had after watching them lose yesterday and seeing the Sox not make the playoffs that it is not the end of the world. Maybe it is because we have been spoiled the last decade with 6 championships from the Boston sports teams. That feeling of sadness, humility, and being a Bostonian fan is no longer there ya know. I can't really explain it through writing, it is just a feeling. Part of me wants the losing to continue for a bit longer so we can get that feeling of what it is like to want to be good just once....and not every single year. Ya know? Sometimes you can't explain in words how you feel, you just know how you feel. And I had that feeling yesterday. Just wasn't that pissed.

On the other hand, if it was the Celtics, I would have called out of work for the next 2 months and eaten nothing but chocolate ice cream while crying like a little bitch....so I guess I can't talk huh.

Back to my job hunt, I met with a recruiter today. And before we ended our meeting, he asked if I always had a beard. I said no. He asked if I was willing to shave it in order to make a good first impression if he were to line up an interview for me. And I thought to myself.....would I? I hate my job, I want a new one very badly but this beard has become a part of me and for a split second I thought of sacrificing my overall happiness to keep my beard. I know I am not the only person in the world with a beard and I have been writing a lot about my beard, but you grow a beard for the first time in your life and you tell me how you answer that question! Tougher than you think I bet!

I am currently working on the Top 15 Candy Bars for a blog. I wrote a Top 25 Cereals blog a couple years ago. I like lists, which is funny because I can't make a grocery list for the life of me. When I go grocery shopping, you would think I lost a small child and I only look for him in the kids food aisles. I spend half the time walking back and forth from the cereal, snacks and frozen dinner aisles and not enough time in the adult aisles. But anyways, a Top 15 Candy Bar list. I just feel like it needs to be done. Look for it....

I saw the KE$HA video for whatever the fuck her new song is....someone kill her. How is she a musician and why the hell was I watching a KE$HA video and why the hell do I know to put a $ sign in for the S in her name. Jesus H.

I have an IPOD alarm clock but I haven't set it up yet, mainly because I can't figure out how to set the actual time which is a problem because it is, afterall, an alarm clock. But it got me to thinking, what song would I want to wake up to?? What song would anyone want to wake up to almost every single day? It is a tough question because it could really make or break your day and if you know me, I am an awful morning person....horrendous, the worst, the pits. I am not proud of it, I just hate waking up....anyways....on the weekends I would wake up to...

But for everyday before work....I am waking up to this shit...(I originally had Never Surrender by Cory Har, tbut the opening sounds way too much like an alarm clock and I would break my IPOD, plus I would hate myself for waking up to that) I just know I need to feel good and this may just do it for me.....


Talk it out.

Did it snow?

I got yelled at today by a friend/co-worker because I didn't have a blog for him to read during his ThunderSnow day off. Well let me be the first to apologize to you, Dave. I was shoveling and I am sorry. Good day sir! I said....GOOD DAY!

So anyways.....to the Blog-mobile....

READY. SET.....Look at my nephew wearing one of my Xmas gifts!


ok. GO.

Has everyone stopped saying 'Can you believe how much snow we are getting?!'. Is that over? Can we go back to understanding we live in a state on the east coast near the ocean? It is January and it will snow. And thanks every news station in Boston for telling me its snowing outside all day. I get a random day off during the week and I have to watch snow coverage all day. I have windows. I can do my own forecast and its called 'Shit, I should go shovel huh'.

On a side note, I saw yellow snow today and I laughed to myself thinking of how it got there.

A couple friends and I went to Trivia Night on Tuesday for the hell of it. We figured, we would go, drink some beers, answer some questions, come in last place but have doing it......WRONG. We were up by 3 points going into the last round and we suddenly got serious. By the end of the round, we were yelling at each other as if we were on the asteroid in Armageddon and no one wanted to make that final decision. Shit got serious fast. We overthunk it, wrote down one answer, changed it, changed it back, then changed it back again. We were wrong, we lost by 2 points. It has been eating at me all week. We lost a bunch of 22 yr olds. Complete assclowns. However, I was strong to quite strong in the categories of TV Sitcoms and Cartoons, mainly Cartoons....ok fine. ONLY CARTOONS.

A few friends turned 30 over the last couple months, I feel like someone should open a bar for 30+ people. Maybe it is just me, but if I walk into a bar with kids in their early 20s, my first thought is, 'I will kill you in a dance off, don't you dare even try', my second thought is 'am I the oldest guy in here?' Open a bar where everyone is at least 28 years old and they wear a name tag on what they are doing there, for instance 'LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND' or 'ILL MAKE YOU PANCAKES IN THE AM'(thats an extra large nametag huh) or 'I'M WITH THE DJ' or 'BLACKOUT OR BUST'. **This entry was average at best and I am totally half assing this blog**

Ellio's pizza is gross. I got it for the first time in awhile and it was gross. Mama Celeste is where its at, hands down. If I could pick a lifetime supply of a food, not labeled a dessert, I would pick Mama Celeste pizzas. So simple, so good, so round. Someone should open up a Mama Celeste stand in the Foodcourt at the mall. You make an absolute killing.

If I was on Million Dollar Drop, whoever my partner was would wind up with 2 blackeyes and a broken arm. I would be screaming the whole time. This show is kind of intense and I would not be able to handle watching a shitload of money drop into a laundry chute or Hell, either way, its gone.

The 'My ready is better than your ready' commercial would be alot better if they used the word 'penis' or 'shit'. Shit isn't a real swear word anymore. Who do I speak to about that? Dr Seuss? Obama? Ms. Slusarz, my high school English teacher?

THIS HAPPENED TO ME TODAY AT WORK. IRATE.(the puddle, not NeedleNose Ned)



And on that note, I will stop because this entry sucked. I apologize for anyone who wasted their time reading this. Ha. Didn't have alot going on as of late, just trying not to hit a guardrail every morning to work.....but FUCK IT. ITS FRIDAY. DANCE IT OUT.

Shit, it's late huh.

I don't have a great opening, topic sentence to really grasp the attention of the people who read this blog and this blog really has no rhyme or reason, so there is no need I guess. So let's just get right to me spewing my thoughts.

READY. SET..............I burped.

GO!

Earlier this week, I went to grab drinks with a friend at PF Chang's. We got seats at the bar and ordered our drinks, ordered some appetizers as well. No big deal. We exchange some words with the bartender, Joe, nothing out of the ordinary. A few minutes passed, I finished my beer and Joe came back to see if I wanted another one. I say 'yes' and Joe heads to sling me another draft. Pretty routine, right? It was until....5 mins passed and this happened.
Joe comes back with my beer, places it front of me and says...
'You said you wanted another right?'
'Ya I did, thanks'
'Oh ok, I forgot and I just poured it anyways'
'No problem, man. Even if I did say no and you still poured it, I would drink it because I have a problem.'
Joe laughs then says....
'Well, drink up then....the next one is on me.'
I awkwardly laugh, turn my friend with a look of 'what was that all about?'

At first I thought it was nothing but him being a good bartender and rewarding me for making him laugh...I think. It wasn't until my friend, who is much more attractive looking ordered a drink and we saw Joe go to the computer and ring it in. Then we waited for the bill and sure enough, he charged all the drinks except 1. Mine. Ummmmm. Did Joe just buy me a drink because I made an average joke? Does Joe buy people drinks all the time to make an extra buck here and there? Or.........is Joe gay?? He doesn't fit the profile. He was not on my gaydar when I walked in. If he is, that is totally fine and I have no problem with that, but I have never been involved in that dynamic. To be honest, I don't blame him for buying me a drink. I look like Michael J Fox if he was bald, had a beard and wasn't an actor. Ha. I mean, every guy wonders if a gay guy finds him attractive.....right?.........right? I'm joking. Was that a Seinfeld episode? It must be the beard. A bearded friend of mine told me this would happen. He told me now that I have a beard people will start treating me different, be a lot nicer to me. I guess.

Jim Carrey on SNL is fucking awesome. Thank God, I live in an old people home because no one can hear me laughing and snorting.

Face it, there are ugly babies. But you know what sucks, you can't tell the parents their baby is ugly. But you know what, I can yell and scream at the parents that they have an ugly baby when I am sitting on my couch, logged onto Facebook. YOU HAVE AN UGLY BABY! NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR UGLY BABY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR UGLY BABY! I am going to hell.....hopefully there are no ugly babies down there.

I realized that when I am cooking anything in my kitchen and playing my IPOD, I automatically put on 'Valerie' by Amy Winehouse and I have no idea why. I also secretly hope they have hidden security cameras in my apartment because I am very curious to see what I look like when I am dancing like James Brown holding a spatula and wearing one oven mitt.

Have I mentioned that Jim Carrey on SNL is really fucking awesome! Jesus H.

What is it about doing that laundry that makes me not want to do laundry? I definately have no more clean underwear right now, but going back and forth from my apartment to the laundry room downstairs makes me rather recycle underwear with no skid marks and baby powder the shit out my lower region instead. I guess thats what you call being lazy.

Or you can call being lazy, never leaving your apartment and ordering Dominos online, like I did today. Is that sort of loser-ish? Yes. Do I care? Not at all. I think it is completely acceptable to do that when playoff football is on, just as long as you plan on having a Sunday Funday to make up for choosing to hang in all day on a Saturday.

Has anyone ordered Dominos online lately? It is fucking fantastic. It took me 45 mins to finalize my order because I just so infatuated with watching the different toppings I chose go on the fake pizza. I wonder what a pizza with bbq sauce, ham, anchovies, banana peppers, bacon, pineapple, and hot sauce would look like.......HOLY SHIT! JUST LIKE THAT HUH!....But after you place your order online you can track it! What an amazing concept and I will be fat in 3 months now because of it.

The most annoying part of the Jersey Shore premiere was watching all those assholes driving around in BMWs and Range Rovers. What the fuck right? I almost threw my TV out the window when I saw that. Just thinking about it, gets me all fired up. I need to calm down. This will help...


So the other day at work, I was in Bob's Market in Melrose. It is one of my favorite stores because the people who own it are really nice and like me, except that one time they tried calling the cops on me. Another story for another time. Anyways, a guy who was probably around the age of 55 walked in and wanted a drink. He started at one end of the cooler and proceeded to pace back and forth for about 10 mins. I watched and watched and watched. I guessed he was going to settle for a water and be boring but he went for a total sleeper..............a friggin juice box! I didn't even know they had single juice boxes for sale! I always thought you had to be a 6pk of juice boxes. I can't begin to tell you how much respect I had for this guy. Buying a drink can be really difficult because you know you are thirsty but you don't want to screw it up and settle. This guy surveyed the situation, he picked up bottles, he read the labels, he took his time and to come up with a juicebox is mind blowing. I think I mouthed the words 'HAVE MERCY' when I saw this. Sorry, this is my life and this is what excites me.

For whatever reason, I have lost my ability to sleep in on the weekends. I used to be the king of sleep. I could sleep through a hurricane, a home invasion, or a bowling ball being dropped on my head. However, there is a silver lining to this. And that is....PANCAKES. I wake up at 730 and by 8am I am face first in a stack of 78 pancakes high. I thank my parents for buying me a griddle. How good are pancakes? How good is syrup? Buddy the Elf puts syrup on everything and I think he is on to something. That concept of putting syrup on everything is not too far fetched. I actually think its do-able. And yes, Amy Winehouse 'Valerie' is probably playing as well.

By the way, I think typing the word 'syrup' is the hardest word to type. Try it. Type a sentence and have the word 'syrup' in it. Like "I went to Bickfords to order the Lumberjack but they had run out of syrup." I guarantee your stroke rhythm(HA! I said stroke rhythm, I am not even going to delete that.) will slow down significantly. Or maybe I am just retarded. You tell me.

I need to go out dancing soon. Just saying.

Oh hey, 2011, what's up.

The holidays are over. THANK THE LORD! And praise Jesus I have today off. So what a better way to spend my day off then sitting around in my underwear and writing a blog. So for your entertainment at work....my post Holiday blog.

SPEED ROUND. READY. GO.

I have decided I do not like New Year's Eve. I don't know why, I just don't. I enjoy the drinking and sociailizing part, I just don't like the countdown part. It is super awkward being 1 of 3 people at a party not with a date or significant other as people countdown the final 15 secs of the year. I am not saying I was kicking rocks in the corner and singing 'All by Myself', but just watching everyone hug and kiss each other is kind of awkward. And let me tell you, I handle awkwardness really well....I am the guy who interrupts every couples midnight kiss by grabbing the guy's ass, yes I said guy. I used to be the kid at the school dance who would never ask a girl to slow dance with him because I was too busy singing Shai 'If I Ever Fall in Love' to all the other people as they danced...I should probably stop doing that huh.

Chugging champagne and having it shoot out of your nose is not a cool party trick, I don't care what anyone tells you, trust me.

I drank Coors Light all day yesterday. I hate Coors Light. I only drank it because Hooters had a special on it to win Celtics tickets. I didn't win. I hate Coors Light even more. But my real reason for hating Coors Light is the stupid mountains turning blue. I can't even begin to tell you how much it annoys me. I like to tell if something is cold by using my sense of touch. Have we become that lazy where when we open our fridge we only have to look at the bottle instead of reaching and touching it. I don't know why, but it just drives me crazy. They are not really thinking about the blind now are they. To quote Stephanie Tanner: "HOW RUDE!"

Scenario: Men's bathroom. 3 Urinals. All open. I will tell you which one I am not choosing, the middle one. I went to use the lavatory a couple times yesterday and at least 2 times, I walked into a man by himself, using the middle urinal with the 2 flanking him, wide open. Now he could have easily had no choice but to use the middle because when he walked in that was the only one open, but I don't know that. To me it looks like he enjoys having men on either side of him. I will use the stall, thank you very much.

I just had 2 cups of coffee in 15 mins. I am going bananas. In between each thought, I am getting up, cleaning something, sitting back down, typing, cleaning, typing, cleaning, typing, cleaning, typing.....I feel like the lady from Something About Mary who took the speed pills and was lifting up the couch as she vaccuumed.....I am going bananas.

I have started to use word 'bananas' alot lately. I don't know why, I just think it is a great word to use when describing something....plus it is a fun word to say...BANANAS.

INTERLUDE BREAK. GO STRETCH. GRAB A COFFEE. BATHROOM BREAK. YOU GOT 2:26

I bought the new Michael Jackson CD on a whim a couple weeks ago. I have had a chance to listen to the whole thing and my review is this........I only like 1 song on the whole CD. GASP! I know. I am not happy about it either. I refuse to bad mouth Mike, so I will stop at that. Not his best work. Sucks he won't be able to redeem himself.

Tell ya what, looking for a new job is not fun, it should be exciting, but it is not at all. My eyes start to bleed sifting through all the job descriptions. And all the jobs are so vague. I don't want to hear about the job. Tell me what you want me to do day in and day out, how much time will I have to go on FACEBOOK and AIM? how long is my lunch break? do we have snowdays? is Xeroxing my ass at the Christmas party frowned upon? What is the guy to girl ratio in the office? How many times do you get drinks after work? Do you have season tickets any of the Boston sports teams and how do I get my hands on them? Basically tell me everything except the job itself. Thank you.

Have you ever cleaned your apartment forever and then go...'This place looks like shit still"....I just did.

I can't believe how easy it is to just walk into a hospital until I had to go the other day. No one at the front desk, no security checkpoint, nothing. Just waltzed right in. And it was a Children's Hospital! Thank God I am not crazy, but Jesus, the mall has about 5-10 Mall Cops on those Segways cruising around to make sure no one steals anything from Macy's or sticks up JB Scoops, but the hospital doesn't have a security checkpoint! At least put a scarecrow up or something. A little effort.

On that note, I felt a little creepy peeking into every room until I saw a face I recognized or heard a voice that sounded familiar. I have a beard and wear my hat low, not the most welcoming face you want to see peeking into your child's hospital room. My apologies to those parents, I am harmless. I was playing with a frog that lights up and sings within the next 5 mins and loving every minute of it.

I did trim my beard because every time I took a sip out of a can or bottle, my upper lip hair would go in my mouth and that was an odd feeling. Apparently, it is okay to trim your upper lip when you have a beard, but it is not okay to shave your neck? You need to have it flow into your beard apparently? So many rules to having a beard. Whodathunkit?

I kind of want to DJ. I don't know why. I need extra money and I think I could handle being a DJ. But I definately wouldn't have a DJ name. I would just be Jared. I am not cool enough to have a DJ name. My main reason to want to DJ is so I can demand dance circles and Soul Train lines from the DJ booth. Not enough Soul Train lines happen at bars. I know it is difficult to get one on going, but I think it is possible. Dance circles are fun, but a Soul Train is alot cooler. Anyone can jump in and walk down the line 'raising the roof' or something. Just need the right amount of space and the right song. I suggest this song......2 people can bang butts down the line to this....haha, I just said bang butts.

I ran out of thoughts. Plus I need to do laundry. I heard wearing clean underwear is 'IN' for 2011.

My favorite movie is.....whatever is on TV

I have a problem. Aside from suddenly losing my ability to sleep in on the weekends, I cannot help but watch awful movies/movies Ive seen 840zillion times on TV.......all the time. The first day of the New Year is arguably the the greatest day to be a gambling sports fan. It is nothing but college football all day, but instead of watching the Rose Bowl, I kept flipping back to Baby Boy with Tyrese and Snoop Dogg. And if it wasn't Baby Boy, it was Dude Wheres My Car?. So it got me to thinking, what movies on TV can I not just flip by? In no particular order.....

5. Baby Boy
This movie sucks. But I watch it every single friggin time it is on VH1. Maybe it is because I hope its just the extended version of the music video 'Sweet Lady' by Tyrese and the girl from that video will appear, but she doesn't. Ving Rhames and his naked black ass shows up. Or maybe it is because I am in awe watching Omar Gooding from Wild n Crazy Kids playing an OG...what is Donnie Jeffcoat doing nowadays?


4. Dude, Where's My Car?
Why do I subject myself to this torture every time this movie is on TV? It was bad enough I spent money and actually saw this movie in the theaters when it came out, but I never learn my lesson so I continue to torture myself when this movie is on. I don't know what it is and I still don't know what it is. I only laugh at one part every time, but I can't find it on Youtube, so I will spare you the description.

3. Any Adam Sandler movie...the bad ones.
I am excluding Billy Madison and Big Daddy from this list. Adam Sandler has made some pretty bad movies in my opinion over the years, but he did however make great hangover movies on TV. Wake up on a Sunday morning before the NFL starts and you can find an Adam Sandler movie that will keep your attention span for at least an hour. You can jump right in the middle of it and pick up on the plot.....it will suck in the end, but it will get you to kickoff.

2. Law and Order(All units)
I am going to put Law and Order on the list even though it is not a movie, but more so because I have been a vegetable on the couch since 8am and Law and Order has been on the entire time. Can't get enough of Mariska Har-gi-tay(sound it out).

1. Dane Cook movies
To be honest, I don't know why everyone hates Dane Cook?? I mean, you can hate his movies, but where does all the hatred come from? I don't know. Anyways, it helps that Jessica Alba is in Good Luck Chuck and Jessica Simpson is in that movie where he works in BJs or Costco or whatever. And I guess it helps that chick from Entourage is in the movie Waiting. Yes Dane Cook's movies blow chunks, but he does have some pretty hot chicks in those movies. I can't explain how I can watch a whole movie with Dax Shepard, but hey, when you suddenly lost the your superhuman ability to sleep until at least 11am on the weekends, you will watch watch anything from 8am on.

In the meantime.....