Why did you have to pick this weekend to be a Chicano?

Happy MLK Day! And on a day of equal rights, on a day of fighting for freedom, and most importantly fighting to be an individual and be who you truly are, nothing, and I mean nothing, speaks to the heart of what Dr King stood for than the Saved by the Bell College Years episode when Slater decided to become a Chicano. That episode has by far the best Zack Morris line ever. I laugh outloud, in tears, everytime. Even Slater was laughing.....watch...

Gets me everytime.

The other day I sparked a pretty heated debate at a bar amongst friends and it centered around Macaroni and Cheese. I am led to believe that the shape of the noodle makes the quality of the Kraft Mac n Cheese. I say this because I have been living off of Kraft Mac for the past week. The regular noodle just does not do it for me. I follow the instructions on the box. I use the right amount of the milk they ask for and every...single...fuckin...time it comes out soupy! When I lessen the milk, still soupy and it irritates the shit out of me. However, you go out and buy the Three Cheese Shell and it comes out perfect every single time. I mean, this could all be because I am just clueless, but I am pretty sure I am right on this. My friends seemed to think I was on to something. You tell me. Is it the noodle shape? Is my milk to cheese powder to noodle ratio way off? Am I slow? I think its the noodle shape, there is no other explanation for it. The shells rule and the noodles drool.....literally. But when it comes down to it, just get the Velveeta Shells and squeeze that cheese. End of discussion.

It is no secret. I hate my job. Part of it is that I lost my only pair of gloves the other day and today it was so cold I felt like I was in the movie 'The Day After Tomorrow'. (Side note: If I had to pick a movie with Dennis Quaid to be in, I would choose Inner Space). Anyhoo. But I have reached the point where my job is turning into the movie Office Space and I am turning into Peter. Take today for instance, we had to work. The rest of the company was off, but we were asked to come in on Monday because we already had missed too many Mondays over the past 3 weeks. I could hear Lombard in my weekend going 'Yaaa, I'm gonna have to ask you to come in on Monday, that would be great.' I spend my entire day trying to figure out how I can make a 'Jump to Conclusions' Mat. I am on a full time job search, which is a job in itself, but at the same time I have to go to work until I find something. It is painful. Ok, enough of me feeling sorry for myself. I am not the only person in the world who hates their job. Let's get positive before we can continue.



Ok. So the Patriots lost yesterday. Awful right? Like watching a horrible car accident and there is nothing you can do about it. But maybe it is just me, but I wasn't really that pissed about it. I don't know why. I am a Patriots fan, I care, I have an opinion, but I am just not that pissed about it. Same thing goes for the Red Sox. They didn't make the playoffs, but I wasn't pissed, I didn't lose sleep over it, I wasn't beside myself all day at work. I don't know. I just think the people of Boston expect a championship every single year. I think we expect too much, every single year. Yes, the Patriots should have won yesterday and I am not necessarily talking about that game yesterday. I don't know, it is just a feeling I had after watching them lose yesterday and seeing the Sox not make the playoffs that it is not the end of the world. Maybe it is because we have been spoiled the last decade with 6 championships from the Boston sports teams. That feeling of sadness, humility, and being a Bostonian fan is no longer there ya know. I can't really explain it through writing, it is just a feeling. Part of me wants the losing to continue for a bit longer so we can get that feeling of what it is like to want to be good just once....and not every single year. Ya know? Sometimes you can't explain in words how you feel, you just know how you feel. And I had that feeling yesterday. Just wasn't that pissed.

On the other hand, if it was the Celtics, I would have called out of work for the next 2 months and eaten nothing but chocolate ice cream while crying like a little bitch....so I guess I can't talk huh.

Back to my job hunt, I met with a recruiter today. And before we ended our meeting, he asked if I always had a beard. I said no. He asked if I was willing to shave it in order to make a good first impression if he were to line up an interview for me. And I thought to myself.....would I? I hate my job, I want a new one very badly but this beard has become a part of me and for a split second I thought of sacrificing my overall happiness to keep my beard. I know I am not the only person in the world with a beard and I have been writing a lot about my beard, but you grow a beard for the first time in your life and you tell me how you answer that question! Tougher than you think I bet!

I am currently working on the Top 15 Candy Bars for a blog. I wrote a Top 25 Cereals blog a couple years ago. I like lists, which is funny because I can't make a grocery list for the life of me. When I go grocery shopping, you would think I lost a small child and I only look for him in the kids food aisles. I spend half the time walking back and forth from the cereal, snacks and frozen dinner aisles and not enough time in the adult aisles. But anyways, a Top 15 Candy Bar list. I just feel like it needs to be done. Look for it....

I saw the KE$HA video for whatever the fuck her new song is....someone kill her. How is she a musician and why the hell was I watching a KE$HA video and why the hell do I know to put a $ sign in for the S in her name. Jesus H.

I have an IPOD alarm clock but I haven't set it up yet, mainly because I can't figure out how to set the actual time which is a problem because it is, afterall, an alarm clock. But it got me to thinking, what song would I want to wake up to?? What song would anyone want to wake up to almost every single day? It is a tough question because it could really make or break your day and if you know me, I am an awful morning person....horrendous, the worst, the pits. I am not proud of it, I just hate waking up....anyways....on the weekends I would wake up to...

But for everyday before work....I am waking up to this shit...(I originally had Never Surrender by Cory Har, tbut the opening sounds way too much like an alarm clock and I would break my IPOD, plus I would hate myself for waking up to that) I just know I need to feel good and this may just do it for me.....


Talk it out.

Did it snow?

I got yelled at today by a friend/co-worker because I didn't have a blog for him to read during his ThunderSnow day off. Well let me be the first to apologize to you, Dave. I was shoveling and I am sorry. Good day sir! I said....GOOD DAY!

So anyways.....to the Blog-mobile....

READY. SET.....Look at my nephew wearing one of my Xmas gifts!


ok. GO.

Has everyone stopped saying 'Can you believe how much snow we are getting?!'. Is that over? Can we go back to understanding we live in a state on the east coast near the ocean? It is January and it will snow. And thanks every news station in Boston for telling me its snowing outside all day. I get a random day off during the week and I have to watch snow coverage all day. I have windows. I can do my own forecast and its called 'Shit, I should go shovel huh'.

On a side note, I saw yellow snow today and I laughed to myself thinking of how it got there.

A couple friends and I went to Trivia Night on Tuesday for the hell of it. We figured, we would go, drink some beers, answer some questions, come in last place but have doing it......WRONG. We were up by 3 points going into the last round and we suddenly got serious. By the end of the round, we were yelling at each other as if we were on the asteroid in Armageddon and no one wanted to make that final decision. Shit got serious fast. We overthunk it, wrote down one answer, changed it, changed it back, then changed it back again. We were wrong, we lost by 2 points. It has been eating at me all week. We lost a bunch of 22 yr olds. Complete assclowns. However, I was strong to quite strong in the categories of TV Sitcoms and Cartoons, mainly Cartoons....ok fine. ONLY CARTOONS.

A few friends turned 30 over the last couple months, I feel like someone should open a bar for 30+ people. Maybe it is just me, but if I walk into a bar with kids in their early 20s, my first thought is, 'I will kill you in a dance off, don't you dare even try', my second thought is 'am I the oldest guy in here?' Open a bar where everyone is at least 28 years old and they wear a name tag on what they are doing there, for instance 'LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND' or 'ILL MAKE YOU PANCAKES IN THE AM'(thats an extra large nametag huh) or 'I'M WITH THE DJ' or 'BLACKOUT OR BUST'. **This entry was average at best and I am totally half assing this blog**

Ellio's pizza is gross. I got it for the first time in awhile and it was gross. Mama Celeste is where its at, hands down. If I could pick a lifetime supply of a food, not labeled a dessert, I would pick Mama Celeste pizzas. So simple, so good, so round. Someone should open up a Mama Celeste stand in the Foodcourt at the mall. You make an absolute killing.

If I was on Million Dollar Drop, whoever my partner was would wind up with 2 blackeyes and a broken arm. I would be screaming the whole time. This show is kind of intense and I would not be able to handle watching a shitload of money drop into a laundry chute or Hell, either way, its gone.

The 'My ready is better than your ready' commercial would be alot better if they used the word 'penis' or 'shit'. Shit isn't a real swear word anymore. Who do I speak to about that? Dr Seuss? Obama? Ms. Slusarz, my high school English teacher?

THIS HAPPENED TO ME TODAY AT WORK. IRATE.(the puddle, not NeedleNose Ned)



And on that note, I will stop because this entry sucked. I apologize for anyone who wasted their time reading this. Ha. Didn't have alot going on as of late, just trying not to hit a guardrail every morning to work.....but FUCK IT. ITS FRIDAY. DANCE IT OUT.

Shit, it's late huh.

I don't have a great opening, topic sentence to really grasp the attention of the people who read this blog and this blog really has no rhyme or reason, so there is no need I guess. So let's just get right to me spewing my thoughts.

READY. SET..............I burped.

GO!

Earlier this week, I went to grab drinks with a friend at PF Chang's. We got seats at the bar and ordered our drinks, ordered some appetizers as well. No big deal. We exchange some words with the bartender, Joe, nothing out of the ordinary. A few minutes passed, I finished my beer and Joe came back to see if I wanted another one. I say 'yes' and Joe heads to sling me another draft. Pretty routine, right? It was until....5 mins passed and this happened.
Joe comes back with my beer, places it front of me and says...
'You said you wanted another right?'
'Ya I did, thanks'
'Oh ok, I forgot and I just poured it anyways'
'No problem, man. Even if I did say no and you still poured it, I would drink it because I have a problem.'
Joe laughs then says....
'Well, drink up then....the next one is on me.'
I awkwardly laugh, turn my friend with a look of 'what was that all about?'

At first I thought it was nothing but him being a good bartender and rewarding me for making him laugh...I think. It wasn't until my friend, who is much more attractive looking ordered a drink and we saw Joe go to the computer and ring it in. Then we waited for the bill and sure enough, he charged all the drinks except 1. Mine. Ummmmm. Did Joe just buy me a drink because I made an average joke? Does Joe buy people drinks all the time to make an extra buck here and there? Or.........is Joe gay?? He doesn't fit the profile. He was not on my gaydar when I walked in. If he is, that is totally fine and I have no problem with that, but I have never been involved in that dynamic. To be honest, I don't blame him for buying me a drink. I look like Michael J Fox if he was bald, had a beard and wasn't an actor. Ha. I mean, every guy wonders if a gay guy finds him attractive.....right?.........right? I'm joking. Was that a Seinfeld episode? It must be the beard. A bearded friend of mine told me this would happen. He told me now that I have a beard people will start treating me different, be a lot nicer to me. I guess.

Jim Carrey on SNL is fucking awesome. Thank God, I live in an old people home because no one can hear me laughing and snorting.

Face it, there are ugly babies. But you know what sucks, you can't tell the parents their baby is ugly. But you know what, I can yell and scream at the parents that they have an ugly baby when I am sitting on my couch, logged onto Facebook. YOU HAVE AN UGLY BABY! NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR UGLY BABY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR UGLY BABY! I am going to hell.....hopefully there are no ugly babies down there.

I realized that when I am cooking anything in my kitchen and playing my IPOD, I automatically put on 'Valerie' by Amy Winehouse and I have no idea why. I also secretly hope they have hidden security cameras in my apartment because I am very curious to see what I look like when I am dancing like James Brown holding a spatula and wearing one oven mitt.

Have I mentioned that Jim Carrey on SNL is really fucking awesome! Jesus H.

What is it about doing that laundry that makes me not want to do laundry? I definately have no more clean underwear right now, but going back and forth from my apartment to the laundry room downstairs makes me rather recycle underwear with no skid marks and baby powder the shit out my lower region instead. I guess thats what you call being lazy.

Or you can call being lazy, never leaving your apartment and ordering Dominos online, like I did today. Is that sort of loser-ish? Yes. Do I care? Not at all. I think it is completely acceptable to do that when playoff football is on, just as long as you plan on having a Sunday Funday to make up for choosing to hang in all day on a Saturday.

Has anyone ordered Dominos online lately? It is fucking fantastic. It took me 45 mins to finalize my order because I just so infatuated with watching the different toppings I chose go on the fake pizza. I wonder what a pizza with bbq sauce, ham, anchovies, banana peppers, bacon, pineapple, and hot sauce would look like.......HOLY SHIT! JUST LIKE THAT HUH!....But after you place your order online you can track it! What an amazing concept and I will be fat in 3 months now because of it.

The most annoying part of the Jersey Shore premiere was watching all those assholes driving around in BMWs and Range Rovers. What the fuck right? I almost threw my TV out the window when I saw that. Just thinking about it, gets me all fired up. I need to calm down. This will help...


So the other day at work, I was in Bob's Market in Melrose. It is one of my favorite stores because the people who own it are really nice and like me, except that one time they tried calling the cops on me. Another story for another time. Anyways, a guy who was probably around the age of 55 walked in and wanted a drink. He started at one end of the cooler and proceeded to pace back and forth for about 10 mins. I watched and watched and watched. I guessed he was going to settle for a water and be boring but he went for a total sleeper..............a friggin juice box! I didn't even know they had single juice boxes for sale! I always thought you had to be a 6pk of juice boxes. I can't begin to tell you how much respect I had for this guy. Buying a drink can be really difficult because you know you are thirsty but you don't want to screw it up and settle. This guy surveyed the situation, he picked up bottles, he read the labels, he took his time and to come up with a juicebox is mind blowing. I think I mouthed the words 'HAVE MERCY' when I saw this. Sorry, this is my life and this is what excites me.

For whatever reason, I have lost my ability to sleep in on the weekends. I used to be the king of sleep. I could sleep through a hurricane, a home invasion, or a bowling ball being dropped on my head. However, there is a silver lining to this. And that is....PANCAKES. I wake up at 730 and by 8am I am face first in a stack of 78 pancakes high. I thank my parents for buying me a griddle. How good are pancakes? How good is syrup? Buddy the Elf puts syrup on everything and I think he is on to something. That concept of putting syrup on everything is not too far fetched. I actually think its do-able. And yes, Amy Winehouse 'Valerie' is probably playing as well.

By the way, I think typing the word 'syrup' is the hardest word to type. Try it. Type a sentence and have the word 'syrup' in it. Like "I went to Bickfords to order the Lumberjack but they had run out of syrup." I guarantee your stroke rhythm(HA! I said stroke rhythm, I am not even going to delete that.) will slow down significantly. Or maybe I am just retarded. You tell me.

I need to go out dancing soon. Just saying.

Oh hey, 2011, what's up.

The holidays are over. THANK THE LORD! And praise Jesus I have today off. So what a better way to spend my day off then sitting around in my underwear and writing a blog. So for your entertainment at work....my post Holiday blog.

SPEED ROUND. READY. GO.

I have decided I do not like New Year's Eve. I don't know why, I just don't. I enjoy the drinking and sociailizing part, I just don't like the countdown part. It is super awkward being 1 of 3 people at a party not with a date or significant other as people countdown the final 15 secs of the year. I am not saying I was kicking rocks in the corner and singing 'All by Myself', but just watching everyone hug and kiss each other is kind of awkward. And let me tell you, I handle awkwardness really well....I am the guy who interrupts every couples midnight kiss by grabbing the guy's ass, yes I said guy. I used to be the kid at the school dance who would never ask a girl to slow dance with him because I was too busy singing Shai 'If I Ever Fall in Love' to all the other people as they danced...I should probably stop doing that huh.

Chugging champagne and having it shoot out of your nose is not a cool party trick, I don't care what anyone tells you, trust me.

I drank Coors Light all day yesterday. I hate Coors Light. I only drank it because Hooters had a special on it to win Celtics tickets. I didn't win. I hate Coors Light even more. But my real reason for hating Coors Light is the stupid mountains turning blue. I can't even begin to tell you how much it annoys me. I like to tell if something is cold by using my sense of touch. Have we become that lazy where when we open our fridge we only have to look at the bottle instead of reaching and touching it. I don't know why, but it just drives me crazy. They are not really thinking about the blind now are they. To quote Stephanie Tanner: "HOW RUDE!"

Scenario: Men's bathroom. 3 Urinals. All open. I will tell you which one I am not choosing, the middle one. I went to use the lavatory a couple times yesterday and at least 2 times, I walked into a man by himself, using the middle urinal with the 2 flanking him, wide open. Now he could have easily had no choice but to use the middle because when he walked in that was the only one open, but I don't know that. To me it looks like he enjoys having men on either side of him. I will use the stall, thank you very much.

I just had 2 cups of coffee in 15 mins. I am going bananas. In between each thought, I am getting up, cleaning something, sitting back down, typing, cleaning, typing, cleaning, typing, cleaning, typing.....I feel like the lady from Something About Mary who took the speed pills and was lifting up the couch as she vaccuumed.....I am going bananas.

I have started to use word 'bananas' alot lately. I don't know why, I just think it is a great word to use when describing something....plus it is a fun word to say...BANANAS.

INTERLUDE BREAK. GO STRETCH. GRAB A COFFEE. BATHROOM BREAK. YOU GOT 2:26

I bought the new Michael Jackson CD on a whim a couple weeks ago. I have had a chance to listen to the whole thing and my review is this........I only like 1 song on the whole CD. GASP! I know. I am not happy about it either. I refuse to bad mouth Mike, so I will stop at that. Not his best work. Sucks he won't be able to redeem himself.

Tell ya what, looking for a new job is not fun, it should be exciting, but it is not at all. My eyes start to bleed sifting through all the job descriptions. And all the jobs are so vague. I don't want to hear about the job. Tell me what you want me to do day in and day out, how much time will I have to go on FACEBOOK and AIM? how long is my lunch break? do we have snowdays? is Xeroxing my ass at the Christmas party frowned upon? What is the guy to girl ratio in the office? How many times do you get drinks after work? Do you have season tickets any of the Boston sports teams and how do I get my hands on them? Basically tell me everything except the job itself. Thank you.

Have you ever cleaned your apartment forever and then go...'This place looks like shit still"....I just did.

I can't believe how easy it is to just walk into a hospital until I had to go the other day. No one at the front desk, no security checkpoint, nothing. Just waltzed right in. And it was a Children's Hospital! Thank God I am not crazy, but Jesus, the mall has about 5-10 Mall Cops on those Segways cruising around to make sure no one steals anything from Macy's or sticks up JB Scoops, but the hospital doesn't have a security checkpoint! At least put a scarecrow up or something. A little effort.

On that note, I felt a little creepy peeking into every room until I saw a face I recognized or heard a voice that sounded familiar. I have a beard and wear my hat low, not the most welcoming face you want to see peeking into your child's hospital room. My apologies to those parents, I am harmless. I was playing with a frog that lights up and sings within the next 5 mins and loving every minute of it.

I did trim my beard because every time I took a sip out of a can or bottle, my upper lip hair would go in my mouth and that was an odd feeling. Apparently, it is okay to trim your upper lip when you have a beard, but it is not okay to shave your neck? You need to have it flow into your beard apparently? So many rules to having a beard. Whodathunkit?

I kind of want to DJ. I don't know why. I need extra money and I think I could handle being a DJ. But I definately wouldn't have a DJ name. I would just be Jared. I am not cool enough to have a DJ name. My main reason to want to DJ is so I can demand dance circles and Soul Train lines from the DJ booth. Not enough Soul Train lines happen at bars. I know it is difficult to get one on going, but I think it is possible. Dance circles are fun, but a Soul Train is alot cooler. Anyone can jump in and walk down the line 'raising the roof' or something. Just need the right amount of space and the right song. I suggest this song......2 people can bang butts down the line to this....haha, I just said bang butts.

I ran out of thoughts. Plus I need to do laundry. I heard wearing clean underwear is 'IN' for 2011.

My favorite movie is.....whatever is on TV

I have a problem. Aside from suddenly losing my ability to sleep in on the weekends, I cannot help but watch awful movies/movies Ive seen 840zillion times on TV.......all the time. The first day of the New Year is arguably the the greatest day to be a gambling sports fan. It is nothing but college football all day, but instead of watching the Rose Bowl, I kept flipping back to Baby Boy with Tyrese and Snoop Dogg. And if it wasn't Baby Boy, it was Dude Wheres My Car?. So it got me to thinking, what movies on TV can I not just flip by? In no particular order.....

5. Baby Boy
This movie sucks. But I watch it every single friggin time it is on VH1. Maybe it is because I hope its just the extended version of the music video 'Sweet Lady' by Tyrese and the girl from that video will appear, but she doesn't. Ving Rhames and his naked black ass shows up. Or maybe it is because I am in awe watching Omar Gooding from Wild n Crazy Kids playing an OG...what is Donnie Jeffcoat doing nowadays?


4. Dude, Where's My Car?
Why do I subject myself to this torture every time this movie is on TV? It was bad enough I spent money and actually saw this movie in the theaters when it came out, but I never learn my lesson so I continue to torture myself when this movie is on. I don't know what it is and I still don't know what it is. I only laugh at one part every time, but I can't find it on Youtube, so I will spare you the description.

3. Any Adam Sandler movie...the bad ones.
I am excluding Billy Madison and Big Daddy from this list. Adam Sandler has made some pretty bad movies in my opinion over the years, but he did however make great hangover movies on TV. Wake up on a Sunday morning before the NFL starts and you can find an Adam Sandler movie that will keep your attention span for at least an hour. You can jump right in the middle of it and pick up on the plot.....it will suck in the end, but it will get you to kickoff.

2. Law and Order(All units)
I am going to put Law and Order on the list even though it is not a movie, but more so because I have been a vegetable on the couch since 8am and Law and Order has been on the entire time. Can't get enough of Mariska Har-gi-tay(sound it out).

1. Dane Cook movies
To be honest, I don't know why everyone hates Dane Cook?? I mean, you can hate his movies, but where does all the hatred come from? I don't know. Anyways, it helps that Jessica Alba is in Good Luck Chuck and Jessica Simpson is in that movie where he works in BJs or Costco or whatever. And I guess it helps that chick from Entourage is in the movie Waiting. Yes Dane Cook's movies blow chunks, but he does have some pretty hot chicks in those movies. I can't explain how I can watch a whole movie with Dax Shepard, but hey, when you suddenly lost the your superhuman ability to sleep until at least 11am on the weekends, you will watch watch anything from 8am on.

In the meantime.....

Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Duh. So I figured a blog before 2011 was in order. But first I would like to give my thoughts on New Year's Eve.

WHY IS NO ONE THROWING A JEAN TUXEDO NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY!!!!!

How did I not think of us before!?? I am such an idiot. Everyone makes a huge stink about getting dressed up for New Year's, ringing in the new year with hope and optimism. I tell ya what, I want to ring in the new year with my stone washed, two toned, jean tuxedo. Just picture everyone in denim, girls wearing denim skirts, dudes wearing Bugle Boy jeans with a matching jacket, sleeves rolled up, drinking Budweiser, maybe even some Osh Kosh B'agoshes overalls could be worn. I apologize for not renting out a bar, making it a Jean Tuxedo party and making this New Year's Eve the greatest night of your entire adult life. Next year. I promise. I will be wearing a Jean Tuxedo to this house party I will be attending and see what kind of reaction I get...its research.

You know what is scary....
Watching your parents get old in front of you. I had this conversation with my Dad today...
Dad-"Did you watch that game where the guy returned an interception for a touchdown?"
Me-"Um, can you be more specific, kind of vague"
Dad-"The bowl game."
Me-"Oh....the bowl game.....this decade? What are you talking about? Did they have team names or were you watching a pick up game at the high school?"

Apparently my mom was given the Senior Discount at Burger King today. Couple things.
-My mom went to Burger King?? No way. She hasn't got fast food since '89.
-BK dishes out Senior Discounts?
-Is an elderly person going for the BK Senior Discount the equivalent to an 18 yr old trying to get into a bar? They must ask to card you to make sure no one is trying pull a fast one when they order that cup of coffee and small fry. I wonder if they have a seperate line with a bouncer. I would pay to watch a 58 yr old lady fumbling through her purse to get her ID, but she knows she is not old enough for the Senior Discount, so she starts to think out loud as she is looking for her ID...
"Where the hell is it?? I just had it a minute ago! Fa-nah-bu-la! Lipstick, credit cards, hard candy....do you take a Work I.D??....You don't? Shit. I look old enough though....right? Can ya let me in this one time?"

This is my new favorite commercial....

Hamburger Helper looks great on the box, but does not taste great in my mouth. Maybe I just can't cook.

I have to walk down 4 flights of stairs every morning at 530am to start my car because I can't sit in my car like Cameron Frye as it defrosts. But today, I was kind of late, so I did the 'skip every other step' as I went back upstairs. Holy shit am I out of shape! No way could I run the required 1 mile time we had to achieve back in gym class if I had to do it tomorrow. I thought I was going to pass out halfway up the steps.......which leads me to this..

Have you ever noticed that alot of EMT employees smoke......alot. Like hey dude or lady, I know you work alot of hours and you are saving people day in and day out, which I totally appreciate, but if you see me passed out and I am not breathing, ya it is weird enough knowing you will be giving me mouth to mouth, but could you not smoke like a chimney. When I finally come to, I don't want the taste of ashtray being the first thing I taste on my new lease on life. I will give ya hug for saving my life, but then I will punch you. Just a quick swig of Listerine will do, you got 15 secs, I won't be going anywhere.

I had a job interview the other day. It lasted 5 mins. I said 'Yes', 'Right' and 'Absolutely' over and over. I don't think I want to work for you if you end the interview with 'Sorry, I am super busy, if you think this went well, just email me."

Play Janet Jackson's "Alright" on your way to work tomorrow and you will have a good day. Promise.

When you are going to your New Year's Eve parties tomorrow, keep this thought in the back of your mind......Be thankful we no longer live in a society that doesn't allow dancing, so tomorrow night, be happy with who you are with, be safe, don't be stupid and most importantly, dance out all of the anger and regret you have from 2010, I know I will. Jean Tuxedo and all. Happy New Year!

Ehh, why don't you just snow me!

I woke up this morning and realized I don't own gloves, a shovel or a winter jacket. How is this possible? I am 30 and lived in Massachusetts my entire life. And I have a mother who would dress me up like Ralphy's little brother, Randy from 'A Christmas Story'. Can I blame Santa for not bringing those items to me 2 days ago or does that not fly? How do I not at least own an old Baracuda jacket, my 1997 State Champion Soccer fleece, a mitten or something?

I also woke up this morning and my toilet was clogged. I don't own a plunger either. Without a shovel to get my car out, I can't go get a plunger to unclog my toilet, without a toilet I can't sit on the throne and watch YouPorn. In my book, this is enough to qualify my life as spiraling out of control. I feel like I am playing Top Gun for Nintendo and I am having one bitch of a time landing the plane. My life is going up in flames all over a plunger and a shovel. I will do what any 30 yr old male would do.....call his Mom.

I have a job interview tomorrow but I also have a pretty impressive beard going on right now. Do I shave and look professional? Do I trim it up and look like the 'Most Interesting in the World'? Or do I say screw it, wear the beard as is and just explain to the people 'hey, this is my first beard of my facial hair career and this thing ain't ready to go.'? It's a Catch 22. Part of me thinks Catch 22 is the completely wrong English term for this situation. Ms Slusarz would be so upset with me right now.

And I am joking, I don't watch YouPorn on the toilet, thats gross. I watch music videos to learn new dance moves.