And I will rise up!!

I will give you 2 choices here. You can choose to believe that I chose Easter to return my blog because.....
1. I felt my blog is very Jesus like and on this day it needed to be resurrected
OR
2. I have drank 2 coffees, 3 Coca Colas ate Easter cookies and watched the Celtics sweep in the past 2 hours so I am flying....

I couldn't even tell you when my last blog entry was nor does anyone reading this probably care.  But it is kinda tough keeping a blog up to date consistently when you aren't getting paid to do it and you definately don't think your life is that important or interesting to the rest of the world.  If I did think that then I would request someone to follow me around with a Boombox blasting this song all day, every day just to emphasize it.


Let's just get right to it. READY SET......HAPPY EASTER! GO!

-Did I mention the Celts swept today?  This is the only reason I wish I kept up with my blog so I could have in writing what I have been preaching before the Perk trade and most certainly after the Perk trade. The Celts have 4 all stars!  They don't go anywhere if those 4 all stars play poorly and you can't judge the trade until the playoffs, but even then, it falls on the 4 all stars and the 40+ mins they will be playing.  It has nothing to do with Perk, nothing to do with Kristic and Green. 4 All Stars and a great in game coach. Thats it. Let's see where that gets them. I say the NBA Finals. But hey, what do I know, I stopped playing hoops after my freshmen year in high school.  I sucked. I could shoot the jumper like a young Mark Price, but I was too much of a pussy to do anything else.  I just played because my Mom would buy me the newest Reebok Pumps. Although she did buy me the white ones, not the cool looking black ones. I think she even knew I wasn't  cool enough or good enough to wear the black Pumps.  Good looking out Ma.

-I cannot begin to tell you how much my life has changed ever since I finally got a cord to play my IPod in my car.  It has only been 24 hours since I got one, but HOLY SHIT.  I just want to drive around in circles in the parking lot listening to music that is never on the radio.  I would put my dancing skills while operating a vehicle up against anyone now that I have a functioning Ipod.  I probably look like a dousche, but I could care less, I can play Prince's "You Sexy Motherfucker" whenever and wherever.  That is life. PERIOD.

-Let it be known, I am not a Bruins fan and I am secretly waiting for them to collapse so I can laugh internally because doing that in public in a bar full of Bruins fan is a basically asking to get my head ripped off. Those people are maniacs.

-StepBrothers is on and it has entered into my Top 5 movies.
Rounding out the Top 5 are...
-Back to the Future
-Seven
-Karate Kid and...
-TeenWolf......you can laugh at that list. It is rather pathetic, but fuckin awesome at the same time.

-The lady in front of me at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru bought my order today.  I was shocked and extremely pumped, but slightly upset that I didnt order my first Big N Toasty.  I will do my best to pay-it-forward and see if we can actually make that Liberty Mutual commercial come true....its my move, keep your eyes open. I am secretly hoping I get the chance to save someone from being hit by a car. I have seen Spiderman way too much.


-I got a new job and I started it last week. Let me tell you this, I love wearing a shirt and tie to work.  I know, I will hate it in like 2 weeks, but this is coming from a kid who hated his job for the past 2 years and chose to wear hooded sweatshirts for a straight 4 months.  It has only been a week, but shit, a shirt and tie can really make a guy feel important.  My whole first week consisted of me studying scripts and making me feel like I am the auditioning for a high school role in Death of a Salesman, but I am digging it.  But back to the shirt and tie every day....I havent been this excited to pick out my clothes the night before since I graduated 4th grade and was heading into 5th grade.  I secretly wish it was still socially acceptable to wear to work a pair of Gibeau jeans along with a Champion sweatshirt with a dickey underneath and I could finish out the outfit with a pair of Mario shoes with the silver buckle. There was a fuckin reason I won Fashion Plate in Mrs Walker's 5th grade class.  But I guess I lost my sense of style because I never won the title again.  I kinda wanna bring back Superlatives.

-Is it good or bad that I do more dancing in my kitchen than I do cooking?  I blame Chris Brown and his new album........and my inability to want to measure things out accurately and my hatred to cook at the current moment.  For lunch last week, I went to BK twice, Wendys once, and ordered pizza with the people in the office.  If you were to cut me open, grease would pour of out me and I would smell like bacon....
-McDonalds coffee is giving Dunking Donuts a strong push for my top choice....and it is only a dollar. 

-I can't decide who I don't like more.  A guy who says 'WE' when he is talking about his hometown team at a bar or the guy who is wearing a jersey at a bar and constantly tried to get the bar to do a 'LETS GO BOSTON!' chant going? I am gonna flip a coin....or maybe I just suck and they hate me for not wearing a jersey, not starting a chant, and never saying 'WE' when I am talking about the team.

-Shopping for a gift for my nephew may be the most stressful thing in the world. I just wanted to get him a toy for Easter, but all the toys in Toys R Us suck nowadays huh.  The best option was a steering wheel that made noises.  Come on.  How do I get that job that Tom Hanks had in BIG??  I want to sit in an office all day and play with toys, then say which ones suck and which ones have potential.  Is that on Craigslist?
Instead I went with a bunch of clothes for the kid.  I usually get him 3-4 cool pieces of clothing and then 1 shirt that I would never want to be seen in, I only get it to see the reaction of my brother and sister in law.  I chose to get him a shirt that will make the little guy look like Mr Furley from 3s Company or if they stole the print from the kitchen wallpaper of That 70s Show.  Similar to this....

I'm going to Wakefield, MA.....BITCH.

So I am off all next week.  Is there anything more depressing than taking a week off and just waking up in your apartment and not some resort? But whatever, I got an agenda next week and that is to land a fucking J O B, before I start playing in traffic blindfolded and sippin on a wine cooler. I will most likely hook up my old school Nintendo, try to beat Contra with 3 guys(impossible) while drinking Bud Heavys.  Anyways....

If you watched Ray Allen break the 3pt record last night and didnt either, get goosebumps, get a little blood flow(thats a boner) or tear up a bit, then you are not human.  I will admit, I welled up a little.  Just seeing a guy break a record and knowing that guy did it right every day is kind of cool.  Ray got up everyday, shot a basketball nearly every day for the last 15 days and did it the right way.  He didn't go the Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire route, he just did it right.  RESPECT.  Plus I know I can relate a little bit with Ray and shooting the 3 because I was the Wakefield Basketball Association 3pt shootout champ when I was 12.  I remember like it was yesterday.  I lit it up the first couple rounds and advanced to face sharp shooting Shawn Wallace in the finals. He was like the Dale Ellis for my age. Just lights out.  Best day of my basketball career.

But last night watching Ray Allen it made me think of his place in all time NBA Live players.  Now NBA Live was the NHL 94 for basketball fans. Epic battles in my parents basement between my brother, my friends, my brothers friends.  It has to still be a top 5 video game of all time. Yes I said ALL TIME. So here are my Top 5 NBA Live 95 Players.

5. Tracy Murray Portland Trailblazers- Cals put up 200 pts with the guy in a single game. LIGHTS OUT.

4. Latrell Spreewell Golden State Warriors-Guy could shoot, throw it down, slap the floor and play some defense.  With a squad that had Webber, Hardaway and Mullin, he was the best.  Just had skillz....he deserves the'z'

3. Mitch Richmond- The Kings sucked back then, but Mitch Richmond made it awesome to be the Kings. He could shoot from anywhere, steal the ball which was impossible to do in the game, but more importantly, guy just shot lights out all the time, especially from the angle.  Do it. He wont miss.

2. Shawn Kemp- BADASS. Dunked from anywhere on the floor and always, always, always pointed at your after he dunked on your in the game.  Alley Oops everytime down the floor.  Just a man child.

1.Mark Price- White guy. LIGHTS OUT from the top of the 3pt arc and impossible to stop at the Gund Arena.  There is even a video dedicated to him on Youtube. Other people fuckin understand where Im coming from.....




Done. Like I said I am off all next week and should be writing more than usual seeing I have nowhere to go, no girl to impress on Valentines Day and I have no money. Pick a bar and Ill meet you there.

Picture Day! YA!

A)This is my bedroom at the current moment.  I am very tempted to going on Craigslist to find a maid.  I just want to put a posting up and see what types of people actually respond. 

2. I bet this guy makes more money than me, looking like a gay Indiana Jones or Crocodile Dundee all fuckin day. Come on dude, you sell bread to Stop n Shop. 

I took today off.  Why is the day after the Super Bowl not a national holiday yet?  I didn't go to a Super Bowl party or anything, instead I watched my nephew rollover like a cub or a drunk midget. I didn't take today off because of the Super Bowl, I took it off because I am on a Contra like adventure to try and find a new job ASAP.  I am on like Stage 3 'Waterfalls'.  I say that because that is a hell of a level to beat because the screen keeps moving and if you don't move fast enough, you will die....and right now I am dying because life keeps moving and I can't keep up with it.  Bills, food, my drinking problem, and gambling are all things I need to keep up with, and the screen is moving way too fast for me. I need the Dave Coultier 'Out of Control' Remote and either pause life or slow it down before I wind up living back in my parents basement, turn into a chain smoker, trying to win a radio contest just so I can move out again. 

Speaking of my parents.  I walked into the house today to see what food I could steal and my dad is sitting on the couch with a neckbrace on. What the fuck?  You didn't have that neckbrace on yesterday.  This is when my brother chimes in and says 'THROW THE BRIEFCASE!'.  I love when random Brady Bunch episodes pop up in real life. 

 So I drove an hour to Bedford,NH to speak to some recruiter about getting me a job.  I drove for an hour to discuss my resume.  I drove an hour to discuss what we already discussed on the phone 8 times. I drove an hour for her to call me 5 hours later to tell me she spoke with her boss and will start to find a couple companies where I may fit.  I drove an hour, put on a shirt and tie, for nothing. I looked good though. But I didnt have to go into work today because doing anything other going to work nowadays is fuckin awesome. So I ask again, why is the day after the Super Bowl not a national holiday yet?  Just trade out President's Day which we get off in 2 weeks with the Monday after the Super Bowl.  Who do I speak to about this?  Mitt Romney? Morgan Freeman? Zuckerberg? (I watched the Social Network over the weekend)

Looking for a new job is pretty friggin stressful.  First of all, I hate my current job which makes finding a new job that much more stressful because all you want to do is find one so you can walk into the office, take a huge dump on the boss's desk and say 'I give my 2 weeks.........and some corn..PHHHBTT'.  Every company or recruiter that calls me asks why I am looking for a new job and I say 2 things..
1.I need more money because I have been living off of a PB&J the last 2 weeks
2.The life is being sucked out of me every day and I will dead by age 32.
They respond with this question:Would you rather work at a job you make alot of money but you are miserable with or would you rather work at a job where you don't make alot but you are happy?
I usually couch my answer, but I want to say I would like a job where I make alot of money and I am happy, why is that so hard to find?  It is amazing, how you feel about your job can totally affect every ounce of your life.  My current status is I HATE PEOPLE.  And it all stems from my job. I have actually considered having my brother and sister in law hire me as their full time Nanny.  Then I can definately fulfill my dream of being Michael Keaton from 'Mr. Mom'. 

 Like I said, I have been eating PB&J for the last 2 weeks.  Question.
WHY HAS PB&J BEEN MISSING FROM MY LIFE FOR SO LONG!?
So simple. So good. You can eat so much and never feel gross.   Was there an age cutoff for PB&J? Do people think they were too cool for PB&J? And why did I have my mother cut off the crust when I was a kid?  The crust is almost the best part.  And why did I hate the crunchy peanut butter before?  Crunchy peanut butter makes the whole sandwich.  I will say that eating PB and Fluff is a little childish, but PB&J is definately still socially acceptable and could be a great party food.



 

Ice Ice Baby

You can thank this blog entry to the person outside my bedroom window who is scraping off their car and shoveling at 1015pm when I need to get up and be at work by 5am. 

Dear Mystery Person,
I hate you.  And I do not hate alot of people, but I do hate you right now.  Why are you shoveling and cleaning off your car right now?  It has not snowed all day and the fact that you are doing it now tells me you didn't go anywhere today, therefore you had all day to do it.  Do you know the sound you are making right now as people are trying to sleep?  It is right in between nails on a chalkboard and a barking dog, but just above the sound of a phone off its hook.  OH! You are going to start your car right now and just let it run?! Perfect. Great idea. Make sure you get every last piece of ice off that car.  I would rather listen to 'Blue' by Eiffel 65 on repeat than listen to you scrap the shit out of your windshield.  I would stick my head out of my 4th floor window right now and scream but I am not a 74 year old person living in the 1950s from Bronx NY or part of the cast of '227'.  So I will sit in here and just wait.....patiently......very patiently and slowly develop the half cry/half laugh as I lay here in my bed wondering what the hell has happened to my life. Good Day sir. I said...GOOD DAY!

This song. Oh this song....

Put it in a doggy bag, Johnny!!

Mother Nature won't quit with this snow, so I refuse to quit on my blog and will continue to provide the world with utter nonsense happening in my mind that no one should even care or laugh about.(I keep ending sentences in prepositions and I know that ain't really good English).  Alright then, say it with me....
READY. SET.......GO!

There are songs you sing along with in your car, then there are songs you fuckin' really sing along with in your car.  The type of songs where you don't care who is watching, where you are, you don't even care that you are even driving a motor vehicle.  'Man in the Mirror' was that song for me, but 'Grenade' by Bruno Mars is really starting to creep its way to the top spot. I am pretty sure I could fill out Madison Square Garden if people caught wind of how awesome I am when I am riding in my car.  Don't know what it is about that song, but I feel it and I feel it hard.(thats what she said!)

Ok.  Would you consider it weird if you were to walk into a public restroom and see a guy in a wheelchair using the urinal?  I will give you a minute to try and figure out how that would actually work....
.Alright, so I walked into the restroom to take a piss.  As I walked in to use the urinal, I see the guy in the wheelchair who was in the bar area all night, but he was in front of the urinal, and he was using it!  Now, he was not a wheelchair cripple, because I saw him using his legs to push himself around so he must have some sort of muscle disease or something.  I am by no means making fun of him, just observing.  The urinal was low to the ground so maybe it is also intended for the handicap, litte kids, dogs and midgets? I don't know.  But the thing that kind of blows my mind is that he was the only person in the bathroom with both stalls open, which included a spacious handicap stall.  No one passed me by as I was entering the bathroom, so I think the wheelchair guy chose to use the urinal.  So if I have this correct, he just whips out his 'thang' and starts to pee with an arc to it?  I think?  I wasn't looking because when I entered and saw him using the lone urinal, I panicked and I had to use the handicap stall.  Ironic? I don't know, I just picture him peeing like one of those statues that pee into a fountain.  I commend him for wanting to feel he can do anything I can do, but I think if I was in that position, I would rather pee with ease instead of making it into a challenge from Double Dare.  Am I going to hell?

I am having a tough time slotting the Peanut Butter Twix bar into my Top 15 candybars.  It will make it in, but I don't want to disrespect it or give it too much praise.  It is a very intricate list, alright!  For a person who once consumed a king size chocolate bar every day for at least 6 months, then go to Wendy's for lunch, I take this shit seriously. I will have the candy bar list soon......I hope.

Stepping on snow for me is worse than nails on a chalkboard and I can't avoid stepping on snow!  It is everywhere and I literally cringe with every step, to the point where I have to shuffle my feet as I walk.  It is by the far the worst feeling I have experienced.  I want to jump on a stranger's back and have them carry me to where I am going.  The thought of stepping on snow and hearing that sound, makes me want to stab icicles in my eye and kick kittens. 

Is it weird, rude, or awesome that I went to an engagement party last weekend that provided a buffet of appetizers for their guests, and I was the only asshole to ask for a carry-out box to take some of the food home?  I don't cook or I choose not to cook, actually I choose not to food shop.  I would rather drink and eat Top Raamen right now...being an adult is hard.

When people don't hold the door for me when I am carrying 15 cases of Red Bull into a store makes me want to fire a 20oz can off their face from close range and go into the Antoine Dodson Bed Intruder rant where he calls the person 'dumb, you are really really dumb'  You see me coming, we made eye contact. You know I am coming into the Tedeschi's because you know they don't sell Red Bull at H&R Block.  I called a lady a loser and I said it kind of loud too.  She was sitting there, peering out the window, scratching her dumb Lucky 7s tickets, seeing me going up a ramp and coming into the store, open the fucking door.  Don't just watch me get a hernia.  So ya, I called her a loser, totally got her! 

So Backstreet and New Kids are going to play at Fenway. They still don't have the best boyband song in the history of all boybands...just let it play

You ate a whole wheel of cheese?

Today I stepped on black ice and almost took a digger into a snowbank in front of commuters in downtown Somerville.  I must have looked like a drunk 16 yr old on prom night as I tried to stay upright.  Part of me just wished I went down and got it over with because I think if I actually fell people would have felt bad for me, but instead I made their morning. I bet half of them were chanting 'fall! fall! fall!' in their cars.  So I ask would you rather just take the digger and bounce back up or would you rather look like Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's fighting to stay up?  I would rather take the fall and get the pity. That's just me.

At prep school, there was a black hockey player and his nickname was Black Ice. No joke. I was very hesistant to laugh because I didn't know if they were messing with me because I was the new kid, but I found out they were dead serious.  I never called him Black Ice to his face though, I'm not that dumb. 

Ever get a phone call from your buddy, but the person accidentally butt dialed you.  Do you immediately hang up when you realize it was a butt dial or do you do like I do...............that's alot of 'do's'.
Act like you are Tommy Lee in the movie The Fugitive and try to pick up every possible little sound, every syllable, any clue you can gather to guess where that person is or if that person is talking about you.You turn down the radio, the tv, tell people to shut up, cover one ear and pretend like this phone call is the most important phone call you have ever received.  For whatever reason I always try to listen for a train because that just seems to be the norm in all the movies, there is always a train horn or train conductor in the background.  I didn't hear trains, but I did hear a referee whistle. He was at a soccer game. I win.

The other day at work I successfully quoted a movie during a conversation.  That has been my goal over the past month. To quote a movie in conversation without the other person knowing  I hate work and the only way I can get through my day is to make myself laugh.  A spanish lady who works at CVS thinks we are dating. She hates when I don't shave and since I have beard, we are fighting.  Last week I walked in, said hi to her and she was not happy.  She kept saying 'You no shave for me! You no shave for me!" She then immediately started to speak spanish about me to her co-worker, like angry spanish with the head whip and shit.  I told her...'you know I don't speak spanish'. I laughed. She didn't.  A small victory for me in my world......Now I just need to find a way to work the speech by Marty McFly on how Doc Brown came up with the flux capacitor into a conversation about Red Bull 4pks on sale at Shaw's. I like challenges.
Read today  that Timberlake is dating Jessica Biel and banging Olivia Munn on the side. Ok fine, if that is your excuse as to why you haven't had an album in awhile, I totally understand.  I can accept that.  But just so you know, O-Town is back together so you might want to get a move on. On a side note, Ashley Angel. What the fuck are you doing not joining O-Town again? Are you too school for cool?  What the hell do you have going on?  This is like if the Jackson 5 reunited and Marlon was like....'nah, Im good, I got other things going on.'  Please watch this whole video. This song is gross

I will end this blog entry with this. I like Steven Tyler on Idol. Alot more than I thought I would. And J Lo is hot. A big butt and a smile I would trust. I need a girlfriend, I have way too much time on my hands. Way too much.

Why did you have to pick this weekend to be a Chicano?

Happy MLK Day! And on a day of equal rights, on a day of fighting for freedom, and most importantly fighting to be an individual and be who you truly are, nothing, and I mean nothing, speaks to the heart of what Dr King stood for than the Saved by the Bell College Years episode when Slater decided to become a Chicano. That episode has by far the best Zack Morris line ever. I laugh outloud, in tears, everytime. Even Slater was laughing.....watch...

Gets me everytime.

The other day I sparked a pretty heated debate at a bar amongst friends and it centered around Macaroni and Cheese. I am led to believe that the shape of the noodle makes the quality of the Kraft Mac n Cheese. I say this because I have been living off of Kraft Mac for the past week. The regular noodle just does not do it for me. I follow the instructions on the box. I use the right amount of the milk they ask for and every...single...fuckin...time it comes out soupy! When I lessen the milk, still soupy and it irritates the shit out of me. However, you go out and buy the Three Cheese Shell and it comes out perfect every single time. I mean, this could all be because I am just clueless, but I am pretty sure I am right on this. My friends seemed to think I was on to something. You tell me. Is it the noodle shape? Is my milk to cheese powder to noodle ratio way off? Am I slow? I think its the noodle shape, there is no other explanation for it. The shells rule and the noodles drool.....literally. But when it comes down to it, just get the Velveeta Shells and squeeze that cheese. End of discussion.

It is no secret. I hate my job. Part of it is that I lost my only pair of gloves the other day and today it was so cold I felt like I was in the movie 'The Day After Tomorrow'. (Side note: If I had to pick a movie with Dennis Quaid to be in, I would choose Inner Space). Anyhoo. But I have reached the point where my job is turning into the movie Office Space and I am turning into Peter. Take today for instance, we had to work. The rest of the company was off, but we were asked to come in on Monday because we already had missed too many Mondays over the past 3 weeks. I could hear Lombard in my weekend going 'Yaaa, I'm gonna have to ask you to come in on Monday, that would be great.' I spend my entire day trying to figure out how I can make a 'Jump to Conclusions' Mat. I am on a full time job search, which is a job in itself, but at the same time I have to go to work until I find something. It is painful. Ok, enough of me feeling sorry for myself. I am not the only person in the world who hates their job. Let's get positive before we can continue.



Ok. So the Patriots lost yesterday. Awful right? Like watching a horrible car accident and there is nothing you can do about it. But maybe it is just me, but I wasn't really that pissed about it. I don't know why. I am a Patriots fan, I care, I have an opinion, but I am just not that pissed about it. Same thing goes for the Red Sox. They didn't make the playoffs, but I wasn't pissed, I didn't lose sleep over it, I wasn't beside myself all day at work. I don't know. I just think the people of Boston expect a championship every single year. I think we expect too much, every single year. Yes, the Patriots should have won yesterday and I am not necessarily talking about that game yesterday. I don't know, it is just a feeling I had after watching them lose yesterday and seeing the Sox not make the playoffs that it is not the end of the world. Maybe it is because we have been spoiled the last decade with 6 championships from the Boston sports teams. That feeling of sadness, humility, and being a Bostonian fan is no longer there ya know. I can't really explain it through writing, it is just a feeling. Part of me wants the losing to continue for a bit longer so we can get that feeling of what it is like to want to be good just once....and not every single year. Ya know? Sometimes you can't explain in words how you feel, you just know how you feel. And I had that feeling yesterday. Just wasn't that pissed.

On the other hand, if it was the Celtics, I would have called out of work for the next 2 months and eaten nothing but chocolate ice cream while crying like a little bitch....so I guess I can't talk huh.

Back to my job hunt, I met with a recruiter today. And before we ended our meeting, he asked if I always had a beard. I said no. He asked if I was willing to shave it in order to make a good first impression if he were to line up an interview for me. And I thought to myself.....would I? I hate my job, I want a new one very badly but this beard has become a part of me and for a split second I thought of sacrificing my overall happiness to keep my beard. I know I am not the only person in the world with a beard and I have been writing a lot about my beard, but you grow a beard for the first time in your life and you tell me how you answer that question! Tougher than you think I bet!

I am currently working on the Top 15 Candy Bars for a blog. I wrote a Top 25 Cereals blog a couple years ago. I like lists, which is funny because I can't make a grocery list for the life of me. When I go grocery shopping, you would think I lost a small child and I only look for him in the kids food aisles. I spend half the time walking back and forth from the cereal, snacks and frozen dinner aisles and not enough time in the adult aisles. But anyways, a Top 15 Candy Bar list. I just feel like it needs to be done. Look for it....

I saw the KE$HA video for whatever the fuck her new song is....someone kill her. How is she a musician and why the hell was I watching a KE$HA video and why the hell do I know to put a $ sign in for the S in her name. Jesus H.

I have an IPOD alarm clock but I haven't set it up yet, mainly because I can't figure out how to set the actual time which is a problem because it is, afterall, an alarm clock. But it got me to thinking, what song would I want to wake up to?? What song would anyone want to wake up to almost every single day? It is a tough question because it could really make or break your day and if you know me, I am an awful morning person....horrendous, the worst, the pits. I am not proud of it, I just hate waking up....anyways....on the weekends I would wake up to...

But for everyday before work....I am waking up to this shit...(I originally had Never Surrender by Cory Har, tbut the opening sounds way too much like an alarm clock and I would break my IPOD, plus I would hate myself for waking up to that) I just know I need to feel good and this may just do it for me.....


Talk it out.

Did it snow?

I got yelled at today by a friend/co-worker because I didn't have a blog for him to read during his ThunderSnow day off. Well let me be the first to apologize to you, Dave. I was shoveling and I am sorry. Good day sir! I said....GOOD DAY!

So anyways.....to the Blog-mobile....

READY. SET.....Look at my nephew wearing one of my Xmas gifts!


ok. GO.

Has everyone stopped saying 'Can you believe how much snow we are getting?!'. Is that over? Can we go back to understanding we live in a state on the east coast near the ocean? It is January and it will snow. And thanks every news station in Boston for telling me its snowing outside all day. I get a random day off during the week and I have to watch snow coverage all day. I have windows. I can do my own forecast and its called 'Shit, I should go shovel huh'.

On a side note, I saw yellow snow today and I laughed to myself thinking of how it got there.

A couple friends and I went to Trivia Night on Tuesday for the hell of it. We figured, we would go, drink some beers, answer some questions, come in last place but have doing it......WRONG. We were up by 3 points going into the last round and we suddenly got serious. By the end of the round, we were yelling at each other as if we were on the asteroid in Armageddon and no one wanted to make that final decision. Shit got serious fast. We overthunk it, wrote down one answer, changed it, changed it back, then changed it back again. We were wrong, we lost by 2 points. It has been eating at me all week. We lost a bunch of 22 yr olds. Complete assclowns. However, I was strong to quite strong in the categories of TV Sitcoms and Cartoons, mainly Cartoons....ok fine. ONLY CARTOONS.

A few friends turned 30 over the last couple months, I feel like someone should open a bar for 30+ people. Maybe it is just me, but if I walk into a bar with kids in their early 20s, my first thought is, 'I will kill you in a dance off, don't you dare even try', my second thought is 'am I the oldest guy in here?' Open a bar where everyone is at least 28 years old and they wear a name tag on what they are doing there, for instance 'LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND' or 'ILL MAKE YOU PANCAKES IN THE AM'(thats an extra large nametag huh) or 'I'M WITH THE DJ' or 'BLACKOUT OR BUST'. **This entry was average at best and I am totally half assing this blog**

Ellio's pizza is gross. I got it for the first time in awhile and it was gross. Mama Celeste is where its at, hands down. If I could pick a lifetime supply of a food, not labeled a dessert, I would pick Mama Celeste pizzas. So simple, so good, so round. Someone should open up a Mama Celeste stand in the Foodcourt at the mall. You make an absolute killing.

If I was on Million Dollar Drop, whoever my partner was would wind up with 2 blackeyes and a broken arm. I would be screaming the whole time. This show is kind of intense and I would not be able to handle watching a shitload of money drop into a laundry chute or Hell, either way, its gone.

The 'My ready is better than your ready' commercial would be alot better if they used the word 'penis' or 'shit'. Shit isn't a real swear word anymore. Who do I speak to about that? Dr Seuss? Obama? Ms. Slusarz, my high school English teacher?

THIS HAPPENED TO ME TODAY AT WORK. IRATE.(the puddle, not NeedleNose Ned)



And on that note, I will stop because this entry sucked. I apologize for anyone who wasted their time reading this. Ha. Didn't have alot going on as of late, just trying not to hit a guardrail every morning to work.....but FUCK IT. ITS FRIDAY. DANCE IT OUT.

Shit, it's late huh.

I don't have a great opening, topic sentence to really grasp the attention of the people who read this blog and this blog really has no rhyme or reason, so there is no need I guess. So let's just get right to me spewing my thoughts.

READY. SET..............I burped.

GO!

Earlier this week, I went to grab drinks with a friend at PF Chang's. We got seats at the bar and ordered our drinks, ordered some appetizers as well. No big deal. We exchange some words with the bartender, Joe, nothing out of the ordinary. A few minutes passed, I finished my beer and Joe came back to see if I wanted another one. I say 'yes' and Joe heads to sling me another draft. Pretty routine, right? It was until....5 mins passed and this happened.
Joe comes back with my beer, places it front of me and says...
'You said you wanted another right?'
'Ya I did, thanks'
'Oh ok, I forgot and I just poured it anyways'
'No problem, man. Even if I did say no and you still poured it, I would drink it because I have a problem.'
Joe laughs then says....
'Well, drink up then....the next one is on me.'
I awkwardly laugh, turn my friend with a look of 'what was that all about?'

At first I thought it was nothing but him being a good bartender and rewarding me for making him laugh...I think. It wasn't until my friend, who is much more attractive looking ordered a drink and we saw Joe go to the computer and ring it in. Then we waited for the bill and sure enough, he charged all the drinks except 1. Mine. Ummmmm. Did Joe just buy me a drink because I made an average joke? Does Joe buy people drinks all the time to make an extra buck here and there? Or.........is Joe gay?? He doesn't fit the profile. He was not on my gaydar when I walked in. If he is, that is totally fine and I have no problem with that, but I have never been involved in that dynamic. To be honest, I don't blame him for buying me a drink. I look like Michael J Fox if he was bald, had a beard and wasn't an actor. Ha. I mean, every guy wonders if a gay guy finds him attractive.....right?.........right? I'm joking. Was that a Seinfeld episode? It must be the beard. A bearded friend of mine told me this would happen. He told me now that I have a beard people will start treating me different, be a lot nicer to me. I guess.

Jim Carrey on SNL is fucking awesome. Thank God, I live in an old people home because no one can hear me laughing and snorting.

Face it, there are ugly babies. But you know what sucks, you can't tell the parents their baby is ugly. But you know what, I can yell and scream at the parents that they have an ugly baby when I am sitting on my couch, logged onto Facebook. YOU HAVE AN UGLY BABY! NO ONE WANTS TO SEE YOUR UGLY BABY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR UGLY BABY! I am going to hell.....hopefully there are no ugly babies down there.

I realized that when I am cooking anything in my kitchen and playing my IPOD, I automatically put on 'Valerie' by Amy Winehouse and I have no idea why. I also secretly hope they have hidden security cameras in my apartment because I am very curious to see what I look like when I am dancing like James Brown holding a spatula and wearing one oven mitt.

Have I mentioned that Jim Carrey on SNL is really fucking awesome! Jesus H.

What is it about doing that laundry that makes me not want to do laundry? I definately have no more clean underwear right now, but going back and forth from my apartment to the laundry room downstairs makes me rather recycle underwear with no skid marks and baby powder the shit out my lower region instead. I guess thats what you call being lazy.

Or you can call being lazy, never leaving your apartment and ordering Dominos online, like I did today. Is that sort of loser-ish? Yes. Do I care? Not at all. I think it is completely acceptable to do that when playoff football is on, just as long as you plan on having a Sunday Funday to make up for choosing to hang in all day on a Saturday.

Has anyone ordered Dominos online lately? It is fucking fantastic. It took me 45 mins to finalize my order because I just so infatuated with watching the different toppings I chose go on the fake pizza. I wonder what a pizza with bbq sauce, ham, anchovies, banana peppers, bacon, pineapple, and hot sauce would look like.......HOLY SHIT! JUST LIKE THAT HUH!....But after you place your order online you can track it! What an amazing concept and I will be fat in 3 months now because of it.

The most annoying part of the Jersey Shore premiere was watching all those assholes driving around in BMWs and Range Rovers. What the fuck right? I almost threw my TV out the window when I saw that. Just thinking about it, gets me all fired up. I need to calm down. This will help...


So the other day at work, I was in Bob's Market in Melrose. It is one of my favorite stores because the people who own it are really nice and like me, except that one time they tried calling the cops on me. Another story for another time. Anyways, a guy who was probably around the age of 55 walked in and wanted a drink. He started at one end of the cooler and proceeded to pace back and forth for about 10 mins. I watched and watched and watched. I guessed he was going to settle for a water and be boring but he went for a total sleeper..............a friggin juice box! I didn't even know they had single juice boxes for sale! I always thought you had to be a 6pk of juice boxes. I can't begin to tell you how much respect I had for this guy. Buying a drink can be really difficult because you know you are thirsty but you don't want to screw it up and settle. This guy surveyed the situation, he picked up bottles, he read the labels, he took his time and to come up with a juicebox is mind blowing. I think I mouthed the words 'HAVE MERCY' when I saw this. Sorry, this is my life and this is what excites me.

For whatever reason, I have lost my ability to sleep in on the weekends. I used to be the king of sleep. I could sleep through a hurricane, a home invasion, or a bowling ball being dropped on my head. However, there is a silver lining to this. And that is....PANCAKES. I wake up at 730 and by 8am I am face first in a stack of 78 pancakes high. I thank my parents for buying me a griddle. How good are pancakes? How good is syrup? Buddy the Elf puts syrup on everything and I think he is on to something. That concept of putting syrup on everything is not too far fetched. I actually think its do-able. And yes, Amy Winehouse 'Valerie' is probably playing as well.

By the way, I think typing the word 'syrup' is the hardest word to type. Try it. Type a sentence and have the word 'syrup' in it. Like "I went to Bickfords to order the Lumberjack but they had run out of syrup." I guarantee your stroke rhythm(HA! I said stroke rhythm, I am not even going to delete that.) will slow down significantly. Or maybe I am just retarded. You tell me.

I need to go out dancing soon. Just saying.

Oh hey, 2011, what's up.

The holidays are over. THANK THE LORD! And praise Jesus I have today off. So what a better way to spend my day off then sitting around in my underwear and writing a blog. So for your entertainment at work....my post Holiday blog.

SPEED ROUND. READY. GO.

I have decided I do not like New Year's Eve. I don't know why, I just don't. I enjoy the drinking and sociailizing part, I just don't like the countdown part. It is super awkward being 1 of 3 people at a party not with a date or significant other as people countdown the final 15 secs of the year. I am not saying I was kicking rocks in the corner and singing 'All by Myself', but just watching everyone hug and kiss each other is kind of awkward. And let me tell you, I handle awkwardness really well....I am the guy who interrupts every couples midnight kiss by grabbing the guy's ass, yes I said guy. I used to be the kid at the school dance who would never ask a girl to slow dance with him because I was too busy singing Shai 'If I Ever Fall in Love' to all the other people as they danced...I should probably stop doing that huh.

Chugging champagne and having it shoot out of your nose is not a cool party trick, I don't care what anyone tells you, trust me.

I drank Coors Light all day yesterday. I hate Coors Light. I only drank it because Hooters had a special on it to win Celtics tickets. I didn't win. I hate Coors Light even more. But my real reason for hating Coors Light is the stupid mountains turning blue. I can't even begin to tell you how much it annoys me. I like to tell if something is cold by using my sense of touch. Have we become that lazy where when we open our fridge we only have to look at the bottle instead of reaching and touching it. I don't know why, but it just drives me crazy. They are not really thinking about the blind now are they. To quote Stephanie Tanner: "HOW RUDE!"

Scenario: Men's bathroom. 3 Urinals. All open. I will tell you which one I am not choosing, the middle one. I went to use the lavatory a couple times yesterday and at least 2 times, I walked into a man by himself, using the middle urinal with the 2 flanking him, wide open. Now he could have easily had no choice but to use the middle because when he walked in that was the only one open, but I don't know that. To me it looks like he enjoys having men on either side of him. I will use the stall, thank you very much.

I just had 2 cups of coffee in 15 mins. I am going bananas. In between each thought, I am getting up, cleaning something, sitting back down, typing, cleaning, typing, cleaning, typing, cleaning, typing.....I feel like the lady from Something About Mary who took the speed pills and was lifting up the couch as she vaccuumed.....I am going bananas.

I have started to use word 'bananas' alot lately. I don't know why, I just think it is a great word to use when describing something....plus it is a fun word to say...BANANAS.

INTERLUDE BREAK. GO STRETCH. GRAB A COFFEE. BATHROOM BREAK. YOU GOT 2:26

I bought the new Michael Jackson CD on a whim a couple weeks ago. I have had a chance to listen to the whole thing and my review is this........I only like 1 song on the whole CD. GASP! I know. I am not happy about it either. I refuse to bad mouth Mike, so I will stop at that. Not his best work. Sucks he won't be able to redeem himself.

Tell ya what, looking for a new job is not fun, it should be exciting, but it is not at all. My eyes start to bleed sifting through all the job descriptions. And all the jobs are so vague. I don't want to hear about the job. Tell me what you want me to do day in and day out, how much time will I have to go on FACEBOOK and AIM? how long is my lunch break? do we have snowdays? is Xeroxing my ass at the Christmas party frowned upon? What is the guy to girl ratio in the office? How many times do you get drinks after work? Do you have season tickets any of the Boston sports teams and how do I get my hands on them? Basically tell me everything except the job itself. Thank you.

Have you ever cleaned your apartment forever and then go...'This place looks like shit still"....I just did.

I can't believe how easy it is to just walk into a hospital until I had to go the other day. No one at the front desk, no security checkpoint, nothing. Just waltzed right in. And it was a Children's Hospital! Thank God I am not crazy, but Jesus, the mall has about 5-10 Mall Cops on those Segways cruising around to make sure no one steals anything from Macy's or sticks up JB Scoops, but the hospital doesn't have a security checkpoint! At least put a scarecrow up or something. A little effort.

On that note, I felt a little creepy peeking into every room until I saw a face I recognized or heard a voice that sounded familiar. I have a beard and wear my hat low, not the most welcoming face you want to see peeking into your child's hospital room. My apologies to those parents, I am harmless. I was playing with a frog that lights up and sings within the next 5 mins and loving every minute of it.

I did trim my beard because every time I took a sip out of a can or bottle, my upper lip hair would go in my mouth and that was an odd feeling. Apparently, it is okay to trim your upper lip when you have a beard, but it is not okay to shave your neck? You need to have it flow into your beard apparently? So many rules to having a beard. Whodathunkit?

I kind of want to DJ. I don't know why. I need extra money and I think I could handle being a DJ. But I definately wouldn't have a DJ name. I would just be Jared. I am not cool enough to have a DJ name. My main reason to want to DJ is so I can demand dance circles and Soul Train lines from the DJ booth. Not enough Soul Train lines happen at bars. I know it is difficult to get one on going, but I think it is possible. Dance circles are fun, but a Soul Train is alot cooler. Anyone can jump in and walk down the line 'raising the roof' or something. Just need the right amount of space and the right song. I suggest this song......2 people can bang butts down the line to this....haha, I just said bang butts.

I ran out of thoughts. Plus I need to do laundry. I heard wearing clean underwear is 'IN' for 2011.

My favorite movie is.....whatever is on TV

I have a problem. Aside from suddenly losing my ability to sleep in on the weekends, I cannot help but watch awful movies/movies Ive seen 840zillion times on TV.......all the time. The first day of the New Year is arguably the the greatest day to be a gambling sports fan. It is nothing but college football all day, but instead of watching the Rose Bowl, I kept flipping back to Baby Boy with Tyrese and Snoop Dogg. And if it wasn't Baby Boy, it was Dude Wheres My Car?. So it got me to thinking, what movies on TV can I not just flip by? In no particular order.....

5. Baby Boy
This movie sucks. But I watch it every single friggin time it is on VH1. Maybe it is because I hope its just the extended version of the music video 'Sweet Lady' by Tyrese and the girl from that video will appear, but she doesn't. Ving Rhames and his naked black ass shows up. Or maybe it is because I am in awe watching Omar Gooding from Wild n Crazy Kids playing an OG...what is Donnie Jeffcoat doing nowadays?


4. Dude, Where's My Car?
Why do I subject myself to this torture every time this movie is on TV? It was bad enough I spent money and actually saw this movie in the theaters when it came out, but I never learn my lesson so I continue to torture myself when this movie is on. I don't know what it is and I still don't know what it is. I only laugh at one part every time, but I can't find it on Youtube, so I will spare you the description.

3. Any Adam Sandler movie...the bad ones.
I am excluding Billy Madison and Big Daddy from this list. Adam Sandler has made some pretty bad movies in my opinion over the years, but he did however make great hangover movies on TV. Wake up on a Sunday morning before the NFL starts and you can find an Adam Sandler movie that will keep your attention span for at least an hour. You can jump right in the middle of it and pick up on the plot.....it will suck in the end, but it will get you to kickoff.

2. Law and Order(All units)
I am going to put Law and Order on the list even though it is not a movie, but more so because I have been a vegetable on the couch since 8am and Law and Order has been on the entire time. Can't get enough of Mariska Har-gi-tay(sound it out).

1. Dane Cook movies
To be honest, I don't know why everyone hates Dane Cook?? I mean, you can hate his movies, but where does all the hatred come from? I don't know. Anyways, it helps that Jessica Alba is in Good Luck Chuck and Jessica Simpson is in that movie where he works in BJs or Costco or whatever. And I guess it helps that chick from Entourage is in the movie Waiting. Yes Dane Cook's movies blow chunks, but he does have some pretty hot chicks in those movies. I can't explain how I can watch a whole movie with Dax Shepard, but hey, when you suddenly lost the your superhuman ability to sleep until at least 11am on the weekends, you will watch watch anything from 8am on.

In the meantime.....

Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Duh. So I figured a blog before 2011 was in order. But first I would like to give my thoughts on New Year's Eve.

WHY IS NO ONE THROWING A JEAN TUXEDO NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY!!!!!

How did I not think of us before!?? I am such an idiot. Everyone makes a huge stink about getting dressed up for New Year's, ringing in the new year with hope and optimism. I tell ya what, I want to ring in the new year with my stone washed, two toned, jean tuxedo. Just picture everyone in denim, girls wearing denim skirts, dudes wearing Bugle Boy jeans with a matching jacket, sleeves rolled up, drinking Budweiser, maybe even some Osh Kosh B'agoshes overalls could be worn. I apologize for not renting out a bar, making it a Jean Tuxedo party and making this New Year's Eve the greatest night of your entire adult life. Next year. I promise. I will be wearing a Jean Tuxedo to this house party I will be attending and see what kind of reaction I get...its research.

You know what is scary....
Watching your parents get old in front of you. I had this conversation with my Dad today...
Dad-"Did you watch that game where the guy returned an interception for a touchdown?"
Me-"Um, can you be more specific, kind of vague"
Dad-"The bowl game."
Me-"Oh....the bowl game.....this decade? What are you talking about? Did they have team names or were you watching a pick up game at the high school?"

Apparently my mom was given the Senior Discount at Burger King today. Couple things.
-My mom went to Burger King?? No way. She hasn't got fast food since '89.
-BK dishes out Senior Discounts?
-Is an elderly person going for the BK Senior Discount the equivalent to an 18 yr old trying to get into a bar? They must ask to card you to make sure no one is trying pull a fast one when they order that cup of coffee and small fry. I wonder if they have a seperate line with a bouncer. I would pay to watch a 58 yr old lady fumbling through her purse to get her ID, but she knows she is not old enough for the Senior Discount, so she starts to think out loud as she is looking for her ID...
"Where the hell is it?? I just had it a minute ago! Fa-nah-bu-la! Lipstick, credit cards, hard candy....do you take a Work I.D??....You don't? Shit. I look old enough though....right? Can ya let me in this one time?"

This is my new favorite commercial....

Hamburger Helper looks great on the box, but does not taste great in my mouth. Maybe I just can't cook.

I have to walk down 4 flights of stairs every morning at 530am to start my car because I can't sit in my car like Cameron Frye as it defrosts. But today, I was kind of late, so I did the 'skip every other step' as I went back upstairs. Holy shit am I out of shape! No way could I run the required 1 mile time we had to achieve back in gym class if I had to do it tomorrow. I thought I was going to pass out halfway up the steps.......which leads me to this..

Have you ever noticed that alot of EMT employees smoke......alot. Like hey dude or lady, I know you work alot of hours and you are saving people day in and day out, which I totally appreciate, but if you see me passed out and I am not breathing, ya it is weird enough knowing you will be giving me mouth to mouth, but could you not smoke like a chimney. When I finally come to, I don't want the taste of ashtray being the first thing I taste on my new lease on life. I will give ya hug for saving my life, but then I will punch you. Just a quick swig of Listerine will do, you got 15 secs, I won't be going anywhere.

I had a job interview the other day. It lasted 5 mins. I said 'Yes', 'Right' and 'Absolutely' over and over. I don't think I want to work for you if you end the interview with 'Sorry, I am super busy, if you think this went well, just email me."

Play Janet Jackson's "Alright" on your way to work tomorrow and you will have a good day. Promise.

When you are going to your New Year's Eve parties tomorrow, keep this thought in the back of your mind......Be thankful we no longer live in a society that doesn't allow dancing, so tomorrow night, be happy with who you are with, be safe, don't be stupid and most importantly, dance out all of the anger and regret you have from 2010, I know I will. Jean Tuxedo and all. Happy New Year!

Ehh, why don't you just snow me!

I woke up this morning and realized I don't own gloves, a shovel or a winter jacket. How is this possible? I am 30 and lived in Massachusetts my entire life. And I have a mother who would dress me up like Ralphy's little brother, Randy from 'A Christmas Story'. Can I blame Santa for not bringing those items to me 2 days ago or does that not fly? How do I not at least own an old Baracuda jacket, my 1997 State Champion Soccer fleece, a mitten or something?

I also woke up this morning and my toilet was clogged. I don't own a plunger either. Without a shovel to get my car out, I can't go get a plunger to unclog my toilet, without a toilet I can't sit on the throne and watch YouPorn. In my book, this is enough to qualify my life as spiraling out of control. I feel like I am playing Top Gun for Nintendo and I am having one bitch of a time landing the plane. My life is going up in flames all over a plunger and a shovel. I will do what any 30 yr old male would do.....call his Mom.

I have a job interview tomorrow but I also have a pretty impressive beard going on right now. Do I shave and look professional? Do I trim it up and look like the 'Most Interesting in the World'? Or do I say screw it, wear the beard as is and just explain to the people 'hey, this is my first beard of my facial hair career and this thing ain't ready to go.'? It's a Catch 22. Part of me thinks Catch 22 is the completely wrong English term for this situation. Ms Slusarz would be so upset with me right now.

And I am joking, I don't watch YouPorn on the toilet, thats gross. I watch music videos to learn new dance moves.

Here's what I'm burning on 2.....

It is snowing out and it just took me 40 mins to get from Woburn to Wakefield. Thank God, I had those Captain and Cokes to make my drive that much more awesome. The funny thing about snowstorms is that everyone freaks the fuck out yet everyone has lived in Massachusetts for at least 25 years. Why is this news? Why is this big news? Why does it seem like everyone is always unprepared for winter? I just don't get it. I was at the grocery store today at 830am. Granted, it was the first time I have done a food order that was over $70, but you would have thought that Megatron and the Decepticons were coming the way people were running around the grocery store. People were leaving their spots in line to get every last bit of their grocery list. Tell me, is that a bag of flour going to save your life in these 15" of snow?? Didn't think so. I just hope the power doesn't go out because I bought 8 Mama Celeset's and 7 Hungry Man dinners. I need the microwave to work or I may die and I can't yell for help because everyone is building is at least 77 yrs old. Tell my parents I love them.

-I heard the term 'Thundersnow' today. It was a combination of the fact that A)it will be snowing like a motherfucker and B) we may have thunder ....so the weatherman thought he would be clever by saying it will be our first Thundersnow of the year. You can't just start using the term Thundersnow and act like its nothing. I mean, Jesus, Thundersnow! I am pretty sure Thundersnow comes from that the Snow Level in Contra for Nintendo and that was a bitch of a level so for anyone who played Contra when they were kid knows you don't just take the term ThunderSnow lightly. Just say blizzard or nor'easter. Thanks.

-It annoys me that the people who park in the small parking garage at my building decided to place their windshield wipers off their windshield. Do you know what I mean? People do it so their wipers don't get stuck or frozen....but you are under the roof, the snow won't come near your car. Stop. Are you mocking me? To me, I feel like you are making moose ears and sticking your tongue out at me by putting your wipers up. You know you don't have to, but you do it anyways....Stop. I hate you.

-Ok so my Mom claims she didn't buy me skinny jeans for Christmas, but she did buy me a shirt that looks like I was an extra in the movie 'Night at the Roxbury'. I love my mom, but I have a really hard time answering the question 'So do you like that shirt I bought you?' with a straight face. It is like that episode from the Cosby Show where Denise decided to make Theo a shirt but one sleeve was longer than the other. Or when Seinfeld had to wear the pirate shirt.....I am too nice and I have to say I like it, but it will just hang in my closet for the next 5 years. Sorry Mom.

-My mom stopped signing our gifts 'From Santa' this year. I was not happy. I think she gave up on Christmas.

-Do I have to work tomorrow? Can someone find that out for me? I will hate the world if I have to work tomorrow. The world can survive without Red Bull for one day. I am banking on not working because I already polished off a half bottle of Captain Morgans and I still have a Four Loko and 22 beers left. I think I need a hug.

-Tell ya what I don't miss. Parking in South Boston during a snowstorm. I am so happy I don't have to compete with a gnome or a lawn chair when parking my car. I have a spot. It will be plowed for me(I hope).

-I know I'm not gay because 3 other dudes tonight admitted they love Rhianna's new songs. Wait, am I hanging out with gay guys?

-Being stuck in a snowstorm, in an apartment by yourself has to be the equivalent of being in the looney bin. I feel like I am in the hole at a prison, but have been on good behavior so I am allowed a computer and a tv. Got everything but a conjugal visit....

-If another old person burns toast and causes the building's fire alarm to go off, I am not evactuating. I will take my chances and stand on my balcony and jump if need be. Its only 4 floors with snow. We used to jump out of windows 2 floors up in college into snow banks. This is is do-able. Picture your parents are visiting for the night and you have dudes just falling from the sky into the snowbank under your window. I wish I was in that dorm room when I came flying out of nowhere, screaming like a maniac as I fell.

-Speaking of college, during snowstorms, while everyone would go to the bars, Longden and I would go dorm to dorm and steal all the food from people's kitchens while chanting 'We are We are....a bunch of fucking assholes'(in the tune of the P.O.D's song, Youth of a Nation, look it up) We once stole someone's birthday cake. We each had a slice, then got a guilty concious(sp?) and returned the cake to the front door with a note on it........2 slices missing. Ha.

-Do I have to work tomorrow!!

Here's what I'm burning on.....

Ah, Christmas week. At this point in my life, it is just another week to be honest. So in honor of just another week, this will be just another blog entry. Boring and bland I'm sure. Yet again, I have no theme, so let's just get to it. Speed Round. Ready. Go.

-I told you Committed would win the Sing Off(see previous blog entry bitch) Ok, I am done glouting.

-A girl was standing at a T stop the other day and she was eating leftover spaghetti. It was 8am. My brain has still yet to decide how to feel about seeing this. I come from the school of thought that the only acceptable non breakfast food to eat was cold pizza. Right? No? Ok, fine. I'm just that weird then.

-Ok, it is Christmas week so I should at least reveal my 2 worse Christmas gifts I have bought for others. Ok 3 worse gifts.

1. Hunt for Red October VHS tape.
Blow me, I was 10 years old. I had no money. I thought it was a great gift for my dad. I told him to stand outside of the video store while I bought him an awesome new movie. I brought the movie to the counter only to realize I was $2 short. I started to cry. Again, blow me, I was 10 years old. Thankfully, a nice guy was behind me and put up the money for me. For the next couple years, I was convinced Santa was a guy in his mid 40's with a mustache who stood in line at Coconuts helping little kids get their parents VHS movies. Santa turned out to be alot cooler than that.

2. A purple sweater for my Mom from Filene's Basement.

It was your classic Christmas Eve shopping gift. My mom returned it. I don't blame her. I am still trying to get back on her good side for that one I think.

3. A shirtless Arnold Schwarzenegger charcoal sketch for my brother

Fine, I will finally admit this was the worst gift I have ever given. I should have known buying a gift from one of those carts in the middle of the mall would not go over too well. However, it was Arnold during his prime bodybuilding phase. Dude, had pecs and abs for days. To this day, I don't know what made me get it. I was in the mall, saw it, laughed and said to myself 'BEST. GIFT. EVER.' Jay never hung it up. Bullshit. Is that why we never hang out??

-So I currently have a beard. It is my first beard of my facial hair career. And I have to be honest, I kind of feel like Chuck Norris. Ya it gets a little itchy and irritating, but Chuck Norris doesn't itch and neither do I. It's red and it's spectacular. I almost look like a young Kris Kringle. I am not sure how long I can keep this up though before I start looking like Ron Burgundy after he told San Diego to 'fuck itself'. I kind of wish I took a series of photos during my beard's development. But for now, just picture a bald Hacksaw Jim Duggan.(blue speedo to boot when I am walking around my apartment)

-The other day I was told and I quote 'I didn't know you were this bright and intelligent, frankly, I don't know why you are in this line of work'. Really?? What should I be doing then? Should I be building rocket ships? I must look really dumb then.

-Working off that, a girl once told me she was watching Spongebob Squarepants and that the sidekick, Patrick, reminded her of me. Maybe I do look dumb. I need a toupee then. Thats the last time I date a 3rd grader.

-The UConn Women's hoop streak of 89 games in a row without losing is bullshit. Trust me, I watch plenty of women's sports because I have ADD and will watch any sporting event, but this streak is dumb. That is all I really have to say about that.

-Cals asked me the other day what I wanted in my stocking that is hanging at his apartment. He suggested a bicycle. I suggested a rhinocerous. Two very reasonable suggestions I thought.

-So rumor has it my mom bought me skinny jeans for Christmas. Definately a pay back gift for that purple sweater I bought her huh. I think if you wear skinny jeans, you have to wear a chain wallet, Converse sneakers, iron your hair and like the band Big Reel Fish. Apologies to my skinny jean wearing readers.

.....done.

The Sing Off Power Rankings.

Alright. I am not sure whether or not to laugh, cry, pound my chest in respect or dry heave when I read a Facebook status that tells the world you 'got the runs'. I don't know about the rest of the Facebook universe, but when I read a status I usually picture that scenario in my head. Don't ask me why, I used to eat Bisquick right out of the box too. So when I read that you 'got the runs' or 'got the runs.....again', I am actually seeing you 'have the runs'. I say I respect the status because you are comfortable enough in telling strangers 'hey, I poop too, just like you.....one nugget at a time'.

Now that I got that off my chest.....

The Sing Off.

I fuckin love the Sing Off, so I figured why not rank the remaining Sing Off contestants because A)I told you, I love the Sing Off and B) Its 4pm in the afternoon on a Tuesday and I can't keep watching ESPN jerk off all over the TV about Favre and his streak....

Power Rankings for The Sing Off. GO!

5. The Backbeats

I like you. I do. You sound great. I even like your KD Lang look-a-like doing the beatboxing for you. I just hated your performance of Loveshack last night. Here you are, killing it with emotional performance after emotional peformance. I got goosebumps.......once........I said once. Now you turn around and pick Loveshack as your 'guilty pleasure' song because you want to have the judges to see you having 'fun'? BUUUULLLLLLSHIIIIIIT. BUUUUULLLLLLSHIIIIIIT. You looked like a middle school play with your goofy looking lead singer guy jumping around like a moron. I hope someone gave him an atomic wedgie backstage. FAIL. Instead of Loveshack, you sing Take On Me. Done and done. You are next to go.

4. On the Rocks.

First of all, way too many dudes. I know its suppose to be an all male group, and that is totally cool with me, but does it have to be like 74 of you. How about like 11? Im just saying. You had me early with the Live your Life by T.I, you never see that shit. You don't have to sing all the time, I liked where you were going.........BUT.................you go and do Pour Some Sugar on Me. Really On the Rocks? Really? You had an entire category of Rock songs to pick and you chose that. First of all, that song and Living on a Prayer need to be retired from the rotation at bars by DJs. They just do. I won't get into that. Back to On the Rocks. Ill be honest, you looked a little fruity singing Def Lepard, and theres nothing wrong with that, but you didn't keep my attention. I was too busy going 'Ew, don't make that face' or 'WHAT THE FUCK!" Better get to work on trying to bang Schrezinger cause your time is about to expire in the next 2 shows.

3. Jerry Lawson and the Talk of the Town

Okay, you are old so I respect you. However....you are old. You can sing. But you can't dance cause you don't have real hips I bet. My point is made when you sang Satisfaction and looked as if we were witnessing the evolution of a boner when Jerry started to move his pelvic region and look at Schrenzinger(yes I know I am not spelling her name wrong) it turned me off. Yes I am the end all be all. Ha. I will admit, you started to lose me when you started to gyrate, but when you dudes sang 'Easy' by the Commodores....pure gold. Sit on the stools, smile and sing your balls off. I would not classify that song as a guilty pleasure but I would give my right leg if could sing falsetto like whats his face did. Yes, if I could sing, I would only want to sing falsetto....thats it. Don't ask me why but it has a little to do with Timberlake, in his NSYNC days, killing the end of 'This I Promise You'.......no, I am not gay......Jerry and the crew, you are my darkhorse because you will get the elderly vote and judging by my apartment building and driving around all day, there are still alot of your kind out there. Amazing.

2. Street Corner Symphony

Big fan of you guys. Big fan. All I ask is for one thing. Can you please lose the 'shooting range' colored glasses? Please? I know the lights are bright, you are from Tennessee and don't have this type of access to these kind of clothes, but for christ sake you can say 'NO I WILL NOT WEAR THOSE CAUSE I LOOK LIKE I AM WEARING BLU BLOCKERS!' With that said, you made me actually like Train 'Soul Sister'. I don't know how, but you did. And because of that, that was all I needed to see. Lose the glasses, let that dude Jeremy keep singing the lead and you can take this shit home, plus I have been to Nashville, its beautiful this time of year.....I will see you in the finals.....

1. Committed

Give me these guys any day of the week. I want these guys to follow me around, at least 20 feet behind me though cause that would just be creepy, and just sing fellas. I just want you to sing whatever the hell song fits the moment but make it soulful. Trying on clothes at a store, how about you sing 'Do Me' by BBD. Filling up my gas tank, how about you sing 'The World's Greatest' by R Kelly. That would be awesome. Make me feel it. It is shit like these guys that make me wish you could be taught to sing. Everyone knows you are either born with the ability to sing, the ability to dance, the ability to sing and dance, or the ability to hate going to school dances so you drink Vodka out of a Sprite bottle in the woods then come to start fights with the guys who are just dancing their faces off the circle..........

Sorry, I blacked out. Committed. Yes. If these guys don't win it, I will quit McDonalds. They have been killing it with every peformance, but somewhere along the line there is going to be a 'Down' by NOTA peformance that is going to grab the country and get them votes. If I had a twitter account, I would tweet that. But I don't, so I blogged it.

COMMITTED WINS.

Feel free to debate. I welcome it.

My Top 10 Christmas Songs.

Of the 3 people that read this blog, 1 of them told me they would like to see something Christmas themed. So 'tis the season. Here is my Top 10 Christmas Songs. Opinions are encouraged.

10. NKOTB 'FUNKY FUNKY CHRISTMAS'

'Its snowing outside, but we ho ho ho-ing' is an actual lyric in the song. With rhymes like that, I am shocked they didn't crossover into the hip hop market.

9. Bon Jovi 'Baby Please Come Home for Christmas'

First of all, who leaves Jon Bon Jovi??! Second of all, she is missing out on a chance for a 3some with Jovi and Sambora. I am pretty sure Sambora just brings his dual acoustic guitar, sits in the corner and just plays the instrumental to 'WANTED' as Jovi makes sweet sweet love to his woman while just wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots. That's my Bon Jovi 3some fantasy.

8.U2 'Baby Please Come Home'

Ya I know its the same title, but U2 gives a big 'FUCK YOU' to Bon Jovi with this song. You don't mess with Bono because he will beat you down everytime. Thats why they are at #8 and Bon Jovi is at #9, staring up at Edge's balls. The song is a little more upbeat and I get the feeling Bono could care less if she came home, thats why the song is only 2:19 in length. Oh song's over already, she still isn't home. NEXT! He already has a chick under his tree waiting to be unwrapped.

7.Bruce Springsteed 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town'

The Boss makes an early appearance on the countdown, but it won't be his last. Anytime you have a piano involved, I am hooked. I played this song on repeat when my parents bought the 'A Very Special Christmas' CD back in '87 or whenever it was. Bruce just threw his own stank on this song and nailed it. I will be playing this on repeat once again this Christmas, but this time I will be dancing with my nephew.

6.Boyz II Men 'Silent Night'

Light a candle. Light the tree. Grab some lube. Boyz II Men are about to take you into a whole other world. Maybe this song should be a little higher on my list because it is all acapella and I am a huge fan of the Sing Off on NBC, but I was not comfortable with that move. But seriously, you can't go wrong with these guys. You can be in the biggest fit of rage you have ever been in, in your entire life, and I swear if someone starts to play this song, you will immediately start hugging dudes, kissing babies and opening doors for old people. Very soothing. They should just pipe this song throughout every mall during this time of year, alot less grumpy shoppers. However I do think its bullshit they cut out the dude who sings bass. It's just not the same without him, kind of like when BSB cut out Kevin and his spanish looking mustache.

5. Mariah Carey 'All I Want for Christmas'

1994. 14 years old. My first boner.....I think. This song just crushes any other song she has every come out with......okay maybe not DreamLover because I love that video. I always wanted to be one of the black guys doing the 'tootsie roll' and dry humping the ground. I was a weird kid alright. Back to the Christmas song...as soon as you hear that Fisher Price piano playing, you automatically know what song it is and you automatically turn up the radio. I was a fan of the black and white video as opposed to the original video, but thats just me. I like a girl in boots. I know people would like this song higher, maybe at 1, but I make the rules here.

4. Band Aid 'Do they know its Christmas'

If I left this song off I don't deserve presents this Christmas. A song about hope, a song about peace, a song with Boy George and George Michael singing back to back verses. PURE GOLD. Give me 15-20 male artists in the 80s with the greatest collection of hair in one recording studio and you have a hit .....and probably alot of man juice on the microphones after....but still. Instead of giving the bell for the Salvation Army people to ring outside the mall, give them this song on a CD and a boombox. Yes, a boombox. A)Its not annoying where you want to punch the poor guy for ringing the bell over and over and over and over. B)Everyone loves Boy George's voice. I promise you, his tin can will be full in 1 hour. GUARANTEED.

3. Run DMC 'Christmas in Hollis'

Put this song on repeat, give me all your presents and I will have all those motherfuckers wrapped in an hour. They will look like shit, but I will have them wrapped because this song gets me in the Christmas mood. 'My name is Jared with the mic in my hand, and I'm chillin and coolin' just like a snowman...so open your eyes, lend me a ear, I wanna say MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEEAAAAAR!' Word to your mutha.

2.WHAM! 'Last Christmas'

SYNTHESIZER. WHAM!. CHRISTMAS. This is what it is all about. But quickly.....GLEE I hate you for doing this song last night. Stop messing with the untouchable shit and this falls under that catergory for me. But I will thank you because it makes me know how friggin awesome the original is. Ya this song is kind of a bummer, I mean, what cold hearted person takes someone's heart and then up and leaves the next day! That shit is whack. You couldve have broke it off before WHAM! gave you their love. I mean, maybe call it off in like October around Halloween or something. At least its a funny story to tell someone. Ya, we broke up, he was in his Speed Racer costume when he did it, I was wearing my Wookie costume. But overall, the song is tremendous. Makes you want to hug someone. Play tummy sticks. Motorboat.

1. Bruce Springsteen 'Merry Christmas Baby'

I JUST CAME HERE TO SAY! I JUST CAME HERE TO SAY! I JUST CAME HERE TO SAY............BEST SONG. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. HANDS DOWN!!

If you knew me, you knew this was atop the list. From beginning to end, Bruce is just making sexy time with this song. You can play this song in July and I will get all fired for Christmas. This song kicks so much ass, it is not even fair. Bruce takes Christmas by the balls and just says LET'S DRINK SOME EGGNOG! I want this song to be played at my wedding just for the hell of it. Just an incredible song that does not get enough airtime in my book. I bet the 3 people who read this blog didn't even know this song was around. Well it does, you know it now and you will forever be thankful that I told you about it. Play it the day you wake up on Christmas morning while your wife is still sleeping, stand over them in your just boxers with the most expensive gift you got them and let the magic happen.

Merry Christmas everybody. I hope everyone gets what they truly want for Christmas, but more importantly are with the ones that make them the happiest. Merry Christmas!

Stu Scott has a wandering eye and I have a wandering mind...

To keep myself from going insane before the Pats/Jets Monday night game, I figured I would write another blog no one reads. I just can't sit in front of my tv any longer and hear Stu Scott tell me that Mark Sanchez needs to play well tonight for the Jets to win and same goes for the Patriots defense. So let me get this straight Stu and all of ESPN...

If the Jets score, they win BUT...

if the Patriots keep the Jets from scoring, they win?? MIND EXPLOSION!

Over the weekend, I got a few people tell me they actually read my blog. First I told them that they need to get a girlfriend because no one should have time to read my boring blog, then I told them I need a girlfriend because I shouldn't have this much time during the day to be thinking about my blog. Anyways, I appreciate the feedback. I will continue to blog about absolutely nothing.

Like I said before, I lack the ability to focus on one thing so I will just keep up with my quick thoughts, kind of like the comedian Steven Wright but not as funny.

Ready. GO.

I bought the Michael Jackson The Experience dance game. I don't own the Wii. However, I do carry it with me in case the house I am at has the Wii. I wish it came out before Halloween because I definately would have dressed up as MJ and went trick or dancing.

Are the Patriots on tonight? They play football on Mondays?

I heard Scott Zolak say on the radio today the following statement...

'Look for Tom Brady to throw to Welker and Branch tonight.' NO JOKE. Thanks Zolak, I thought he would try and look for Vincent Brisby and Hart Lee Dykes instead. You mean he is going to try and throw to the 2 starting wide receivers.

I had an interview for a promotion at work on Friday. It took 2 hours. When I was done, I was ready to ask for a happy ending. Thankfully, the last song I heard before I entered my interview was 'Firework' by Katy Perry. Everytime I was told 'that was a really good answer', I sang the chorus in my head. 'BABY YOU'RE A FIRREEEEEWORK!!'...Just another reason as to why we should be allowed to play music during certain times throughout the day. Sometimes music makes the moment more than it really is. Kind of like the volleyball scene from TopGun. Watch that scene on mute, then watch that scene with the volume and try to tell me that 'Playin with the Boys' doesn't make that scene. EPIC. And that totally makes zero sense to my original point, I just wanted to think about Tom Cruise on the beach in jeans.

I have realized that I let everyone know that I like alot of songs I shouldn't like as a heterosexual male....for instance 'Firework' by Katy Perry. So I would like to take this moment to say that I like boobs and big butts. Girls are fantastic.....but seriously, Firework is one of hell of an inspirational song. Makes me feel like I have long flowing hair, pecs, triceps, and can do anything I put my mind to......like walk through a petting zoo without peeing my pants.

I just made the mistake of clicking on 'PEOPLE YOU MAY KNOW' on Facebook. I think the page is still loading......it made me wonder why am I not friends with all these people on Facebook??? I know them all! Did I do something to every single of them? Am I going to explode into a cloud of dust because this many people I know are not Facebook friends with me? Am I a bad person for not friending them? I am going to have to update my Christmas list. This is absurd.

Every single one of the Cigarette sales reps are women, really hot women. But I bet they smoke or dip, so that makes them instantly unattractive to me. Just sayin'.

Did anyone see Ben Rothelisberger's broken nose last night? The thing was pointing at his ear. What is worse than a broken nose? Like what would you not want to break? I am going to go with dislocated knee cap or elbow. And don't say penis.....grow up.

There needs to be more theme house parties. I went to an Ugly Xmas sweater party over the weekend. It was hilarious. I suggest we have a Jean Tuxedo party in like Febuary. Who wants to host it!? I call stonewash!

I have realized 2 things about my building. It smells great around 430pm because all the people in here are 78+ yrs old and eat dinner super early. Sunday mornings my hallway smells like eggbeaters and bacon because old people love their Sunday breakfast. And I love the smell of bacon, it works out well.

I see Bill Guerin retired from the NHL today. I have a Bill Guerin story. Everyone has a Bill Guerin story right? You don't? LOSERS.

It was my freshman year of college. I was in my Intro to Church class at Assumption. My professor was Sister Ellen Guerin aka the Dean of Students. She asked for all of us to write our name, where we were from and one question we had about the Church. It could be anything. Kids asked is there really wine in that goblet to do you believe in Heaven or Hell? I, of course, asked are you related to Bill Guerin, the current NHL player? Come to find out, it was her nephew! And here I am thinking I was being funny. EGG ON MY FACE!